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My throat tightened.
So much.
Everything.
I didn't know where to begin, but I knew this was it. This was when I would tell him that where his hands were currently on my stomach, there was a life growing inside that we'd created. A life that would never be able to live.
"Nothing, really. I'm fine."
"You said fine. Now I know you have something on your mind," he said with a mixture of playfulness and unease. "Are you nervous about the meet? Because I truly feel like you have nothing to be worried about. You are a shoo-in."
"No," I said quietly.
For once I wasn't panicked about a meet. I was confident. Just thinking about walking out with my coaches, and in my crystal-encrusted leotard, as a top-ranking competitor for one of the four coveted spots on the United States Women's Olympic Gymnastics team caused a flurry of anxious dragonflies to swarm my chest. I was beyond excited for next weekend and the days couldn't come fast enough.
"Did something happen at the doctor regarding your kidneys?"
"No."
He let out a whoosh. "Thank God. Did you have a fight with Avery?"
"No."
Silence filled the room. Kova gave me a little squeeze and settled in closer to me. He was trying to dissect what was going on in my head, but he'd never guess.
I remained quiet, searching for the right words to start the conversation. I wanted to blurt it out just to get it over with, but at the same time, I was terrified.
"Ria?" His voice was thick with worry. "What is wrong? You are worrying me?"
My entire body started shaking, my breathing intensified. Kova tried to turn to face me, but I stopped him and gave him more of my back. I couldn't look at him while I did this. I didn't want to see the look in his eyes when I told him I was pregnant. Would he be relieved I was going to get an abortion? Angry I was pregnant in the first place? Or shock me completely and be disappointed with my decision? My heart raced so fast, my dinner was as heavy as a concrete block in my stomach, threatening to come back up.
"I thought you forgot about that name," I said, my voice thick with emotion.
"Is that why you are so bothered? I can use it more. I worried it came with bad memories, and I was trying to avoid those."
"No," I said, this time tears filled my eyes.
"Why can you not look at me, Adrianna? You are scaring me."
I grew warm, heat bubbling over my entire body. Oh, God. There was no way I could do this. I just couldn’t. Avery was wrong. Kova didn't need to know. There was no reason for him to know, it would only cause more unnecessary heartache.
"Please, look at me."
"I…" I started. "I need…"
"What do you need? I will give it to you."
My chest ached from the pounding it took from my heart. I shook my head and dragged in a taxing breath, trying to pull up even a sliver of courage to tell him, but I was struggling to find it. This had to be the hardest thing I’d ever had to do in my life.
"Do you remember when you asked me if my back was up against a wall with a decision that could change my life, what would I do?"
Kova was quiet before he answered in a low voice. "Yes."
"Well…" I began and swallowed as my body roasted with trepidation. "It's my turn to ask that. If you were backed up against a wall with a decision that could change your life, what would you do?"
Kova's body turned to stone under me.
"What do you need to tell me?"
