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"I want to hear it come from your lips."
Exhaling a deep sigh, I gave Kova what he wanted.
"What do you want me to tell you? That I'm scared? That I want to live a long life and I'm terrified I won't? Because I am. I don't want to acknowledge how sick I am, so I do stupid things to keep my mind busy, like extra conditioning. I hate taking all that medication and sometimes I choke on it. I want to have a family one day but my chances are slim. I want to travel, I want to see the world. Right now I want to go to the Olympics. I'm so close but I'm scared something will happen and prevent me from making it all the way. That I'll get too sick. I don't want people to look at me with pity and feel bad, or look at me any differently. I want to go to college. I want to compete in college. But will my kidney disease progress to the point I have to go on dialysis sooner than expected? Will I get so sick and worn out from it that I won't be able to do gymnastics any longer? When will I finally need a transplant? What happens if no one is a match? Because right now, no one is and the thought of never finding one terrifies me more than anything. Am I killing myself, literally killing myself for not starting dialysis now? What if the lupus causes me to have a flare up during a meet and I get so deep inside my head I become a basket case and ruin everything?" My voice shook and tears filled my eyes.
"I'm trying to stay positive, but my hope is slipping. Every day my window of optimism shuts a little more. The anxiety and fear is smothering me and all I do is cry about it. I'm too young to feel like this, but I don't know how not to think about it." Then, I went into a spew about all the medications and doctor visits and blood work and tests I have to do and how often. I let it all out without holding a thing back.
And it felt good. Really good.
Kova held me tighter. Dipping his chin, he lifted my face until our lips were just a breath apart. "If you were not scared then I would be worried. Yes, I knew all these things, but I needed to hear them from you. I needed to hear your voice speak them. Thank you for finally telling me." Kova paused and kissed the top of my hand. "I want to be that person for you, Ria. I want you to come to me, to talk to me whenever you are scared or worried. We both know I have not been great at that, but I have been working on it, which you have known. Our toxic moments are over, yes?"
I nodded.
"Good. We need to be there for each other at all times."
"I don't like talking about it though, because then it makes it real." I sniffled. "I don't want to make it real. I just want it all to go away."
Kova kissed my forehead. "Do not let lupus define you. Do not let kidney disease beat you. That is not what you are about. You are a fighter and why I love you so fucking much. Instead, look at it differently. Do not let it drown you. Let the diseases inspire you. Make them give you the life you have always wanted to live."
My voice hitched. "How do I do that? I don't know how. I feel so lost, so scared."
"You just live. You live like every day is your last. You live, and you let those who want to live with you, live too. Do not shut the world out because you are hurting. You are going to miss everything that is beautiful about this chaotic thing we call life. You have a reason to fight now more than ever."
A tear slipped from the corner of my eye and rolled down my temple.
"And you have me. You will always have me." Kova pressed a hard kiss to my lips. "Let me live with you."
I squeezed my eyes shut while Kova held me closer. His last words nearly broke my heart because they were honest to God so real and I felt them in every fiber of my body. Little whimpers left my vulnerable lips. I was petrified about my future. My heart burned with resentment for all the things I may never be able to do. But Kova’s soothing words, the way his heart coated them with tenderness, meant more than saying I love you.
He was right. I needed to live, and let those who wanted to, live with me.
"I told you I love you, Adrianna. I have only ever truly loved you."
"You're only saying these things because I'm sick."
"Make no mistake, I have loved you since I saw you." He stared reflectively at me. "But when life flashes before your eyes, you take all the risks you can. I do not want you to second-guess me anymore. I want you to know how I feel." He licked his lips. "This is us, Ria. There is no going back after this. Only forward."
Nodding my head, I kissed him hard. I wasn't sure how this was going to work, but I wanted to do exactly what Kova had said.
I would live like every day was my last day. I wanted to live.
And I wanted to do that with Kova.
Thirty-Five
Kova hadn't been at practice once I returned after the hurricane had passed.
It hurt my heart a little and I actually wondered if it had something to do with what we shared at my condo. About how he let me cut him and how he’d said he loved me, how he wanted to live with me. I tried not to focus on it too much, but when he didn't come in the following day, or the day after that, I really started to question everything. He'd been absent three full days, which again, was something completely unlike him. The last time he had done this he’d gotten married. My gut told me there wasn’t a drastic reason this time, but I started to worry and contemplated texting him. I controlled myself, even though it was a struggle. I didn’t want his absence to affect me, but he’d told me to live.
How could I live when he wasn't here to live with me?
Maybe he’d lost faith in me. Maybe what he’d said in my room a few days ago wasn't true. I'd shown more than just a moment of weakness. I'd let down my guard completely and welcomed him back in.
After practice I decided to take a drive by his house once the sun set to see if his car was there. I should've gone home to catch up on sleep I desperately wanted, but I knew my mind wouldn't rest not knowing.
Total stalker mode activated.
Much to my satisfaction, his car was parked in the driveway, but so was Katja's and a couple others I didn't recognize. Not that I would. The lights in his home were on and I could see shadows walking back and forth through the sheer drapes. If he didn't show up at the gym tomorrow, then I'd send him a text tomorrow night.
