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After a while— I had no idea how long, exactly— the door clicked open. I knew it was Jacob without looking; his cologne, his presence, his breath. Everything about him was bigger, and bolder, and more self-assured. He walked across the porch and sat down next to me.
“Hey,” he said when I remained silent.
“Hi.”
He studied me for a moment, then handed over an afghan blanket I hadn’t realized he was carrying. It was adorned, of course, with the image of a ram. I accepted it, folding it around my shoulders, instantly relieved to keep the chill at bay.
“I didn’t realize the game was that important to you,” he said carefully.
“It’s not the game. I mean, it is, and it isn’t,” I said.
“I don’t understand.”
“It’s everything. It’s the way your parents treat me. It’s the fact that they invited Jenna up here and intentionally left me off the invitation. It’s the fact that they think they can just shove me aside, and you just…you just let them. You didn’t even say anything in my defense. Not even when they gave me that stupid bunk bed room.”
Jacob lifted his eyebrows, but remained quiet for a moment, parsing my words. He finally said, “I know. It’s shitty of them. It really is.”
“Then why let them treat me that way?”
“They’re my parents, Sasha,” Jacob said, shrugging. “That’s just how they are. They’re not bad people, they just say stupid stuff sometimes.”
“But they’re saying stupid stuff to me, is my point. Are we serious, Jacob? Am I important to you?”
“You know you are.”
“Then that means you’re letting them treat someone you could be with for a long, long time like shit…just so you don’t have to get into an argument with them.”
“That’s not fair,” Jacob said. “I’m not letting them— I’m just not going to get in a fight with them over it.”
I felt my brows knit in hurt. “Same thing! You’re letting them treat me like I’m disposable, and…between that and other stuff…I’m starting to wonder if maybe I am.”
Jacob looked shocked. “Wait, what? What other stuff are you talking about?”
“You rushed out the door the morning after we had sex the first time. You only came back for me after your injury. And I can’t help but wonder if it was just…I mean, you knew I wasn’t into football, so I was a safe bet, right? I’d have sex with you and not hassle you about the game, because it didn’t matter to me the way it mattered to all your other girls—“
“Sasha—“
“And now that you’re getting back into playing, I feel more and more like you’re shuffling me off to the side.”
“I’m not. I’m not at all. I’m just trying to focus on my career. Just like you and your classes,” Jacob attempted.
“I know, I know it’s important to you. I’m not saying I need you to put me before football. I would never ask you to do that. I’m just saying that maybe…maybe the reason you were such a player is because there’s just not room for a girlfriend and football in your life. Especially not a girlfriend like me. Maybe that’s why everyone wants you and Jenna to be together. You two connect like little puzzle pieces. I’m like some part from a different game entirely.”
Jacob took my hand in both of his, encapsulating it. “I don’t want Jenna. She doesn’t want me. We’re friends.”
“That’s not the point, Jacob,” I said, shaking my head. “The only way I’m confident about our relationship surviving is if you stay injured. And that’s awful— that’s a terrible reason for a relationship to work out.”
“Sasha, all relationships are a risk. We can’t quit just because you’re nervous,” Jacob said.
“That’s not it— it’s the fact that you aren’t,” I said, shaking my head. “I’m a sure thing for you. Everyone’s a sure thing for you. And I don’t think I like being that. I don’t like that you let your parents talk to me that way, because you weren’t worried about me leaving. I don’t like that you aren’t worried about ignoring me when football comes up, because you aren’t worried about me leaving. I want you, Jacob, but…you come with a lot that I don’t want.”
Jacob looked stunned. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that I think I need some time apart. To figure out what it is I do want. And for you to figure out who is really compatible with what you want.”
“I want you, Sasha,” he said, almost frantic, like he was talking me down from a cliff.
I blinked back tears, unsure when they’d started filling my eyes. “I know. I want you too. But I just don’t think it’s going to work right now, okay?”
“I…” Jacob shook his head, shock in every line of his face. “I don’t know what to say.”
