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A small hand latches onto his finger as she holds on for the dear life while daddy kisses her nose. “You are the most beautiful girl. Daddy will always protect you.”
Our eyes meet, and we hold each other’s stare in an intimate moment, feeling grateful and fortunate. After feeding them both, we watch them sleep with their hands thrown over their heads in a relaxed and angelic manner.
Logan sits next to me, looking tired, and I tell him what has been bothering me since I woke up. “I don’t want them here. I can’t handle my parents right now. They have to leave and wait until I am stronger. Yesterday, I didn’t expect to find them. I don’t want this to happen again.”
“Don’t worry, I asked the therapist to come and speak with your parents. I postponed my family’s visit, as you might get too anxious to see many people so soon after their birth.” He stops, looking into my eyes for any disapproval, but I give none. “Dr. Neil thinks it’s too soon for the family to reunite, as you are most vulnerable now.”
“And will your parents be that understanding?” I probe, my heart beating, the protective instinct not settling down.
“I want them to see the twins before they leave, if you don’t mind?” He watches me, noticing my flushed face, fear etched in my eyes. I nod, feeling dizzy with dread, and my increased breathing alarms him.
“Shhh, it’s ok, let’s not think about it right now. Rest, you need your strength. No one’s going to hurt our babies. I promise.”
Fear presses down on my chest, my heart racing like I'm having a heart attack. The instinct to find the safety to hide my babies from the danger overwhelms me, and the medics bring me oxygen to help me breathe.
Chapter 17
Chaos Bringers
~Cassandra~
One month later
In the nursery, I am breastfeeding little Liane while Leon sleeps in the cot, already full. I watch the trees dance with the unrestful winds threatening to invade our warm home from outside. The skies are wrathful as the gloomy grey darkness hovers over the land with a temper.
I watch her fall asleep for probably the third time already during breastfeeding. I have to tickle my kitten, who is getting very unhappy, and it makes me laugh.
Holding up Liane to burp, I hear another voice crying down the corridor.
“Why Mummy, you never came for me? It hurt so much, and I was scared, you left me alone!” His painful sobs wrack my heart, causing it to split in two.
“Nate, baby, where are you? Don’t leave, let me see you. Please, I miss you so much.” Before I can tell him how much I love him, I’m wrenched back from him.
Searing agony jerks my heart out of my chest as the guilt I feel destroys me.
“Cassandra, baby, please wake up, it’s just a dream! Wake up!”
I’m back, and he holds me in his arms as I look around with a startled expression, gripping onto him for dear life. The present, past, and surreal visions blur, leaving me confused and scared of what is happening to me. I remember the last session with Dr. Neil and chills run down my spine, encasing me in dread.
“Want to talk about your dreams, Cassandra?” Dr. Neil asks me.
“I keep seeing him dying in pain and torture, as I always fail to reach him in time. Last night, I dreamt of him in my arms, broken and bleeding, begging for me to tell him why I abandoned them. I don’t understand why they keep coming like that. It feels like my boys are drawing me away from Liane and Leon, tearing me apart.”
“Do you feel guilty, Cassandra?”
“Of course I feel guilty. My boys died. Sometimes I wonder, what if I would have been there, perhaps he would have not been so scared.” Tears fall as I close my eyes, imagining their deaths.
“Why do you think you dream of them?”
Her questions keep bothering me as everything starts to mix and mesh. I can barely keep up with both lives and the nightmares. Sometimes I feel like I healed in the wrong way when I decided to push Sandra back and create new life. That’s why I need to re-break the old scars to help the wounds reset and heal better.
Logan stays upstairs with the kids while I have my breakfast, and I hear my little ones waking up. My thirty-minute break is over. I’m exhausted and sleepy, as I don’t get to rest more than one hour per breastfeeding. I come into the room to see Logan picking up Leon from his nap, who is already looking for the nipple to suck on. His amused dad laughs at his son.
“Leon, you need to learn patience.”
“I have his boobs here; want me to feed your hungry kitten?” Logan gently unbuttons my top and exposes my breast for our baby boy to latch on, leaving goose bumps on my skin. Logan settles between my legs and holds onto my waist, watching me.
I can’t seem to draw enough oxygen into my lungs as his gaze makes me weak and my heavy eyelids drop. His eyes lock on my lips, and I breathe in his scent. The awareness treks my skin with the promise of sweet pleasure.
