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I act on instinct, retreating to my safe bubble to recuperate. Familiar features confuse me every time I look at Leif. He is a frustrating stranger, with his suspicious light green eyes mixed with brown flecks that are so quick to judge and blame.
“Sorry, I was daydreaming. What did you say?” I look at him, putting up my barriers to protect myself from his candid comments.
I know he will strike, just to see what I will reveal behind the smokescreen. I get him. I have done the same thing for my sisters few times, and I would do it again if I need to. Leif will push and keep the pressure on until he sees me burst with secrets.
“Do you think it’s fair for Logan to be waiting for you? You’re grieving, and I get he needs to protect you and his kids, but you are simply emotionally unavailable to him.” He states his concerns about his brother’s future.
“You think I don’t know that? I truly do. I told him not wait for me, but he is refusing to listen. Honestly, I don’t know how to reason with your brother. He isn’t giving up on the idea of us.”
“You have to be aware that my brother won’t leave you. You have to make him. He could start his life instead of living in your nightmares. Many parents don’t live like you two and still do a great job. One day, when he wakes up and realizes that he wasn’t loved the way he longs for, he will hate you.”
“I want him happy, but I don’t know how to do it. I simply can’t tear him apart from us. We still need to be partners so our babies will have us both in their lives. They deserve better than parents hating one another.”
“Tell him that you don’t want him. You are using him for comfort. He will withdraw and get back to the life he lived before.”
“So he can fuck anyone on two feet with vagina and boobs?”
He seizes my shoulders and looks deep into my eyes, delivering the final blow. “Even if he does, Cassandra, at least he will be available for someone who can give it all. You are going only to break my brother. I saw you at the lake. I’ve seen your pain and how strong it is. It’s breaking you apart, and if you latch onto him, you will drown him.”
My tears make his face blurry, and a gasp bursts out of my chest. I’m filled with regret, anger, and torment. It hits me in the guts like a punch, crushing me.
Leif is right about me being unavailable to bond with Logan. I hold onto him because he has this potency that draws me in like a butterfly to the light. I am pulled in by his attractiveness and charisma, and am helpless to deny it.
“You will come to despise one another, and that is not a good relationship for any kid to be around.”
What do I have that I could give back to him? Nothing! I’ve only got shards of a broken past and pain that chokes the living light out of me.
I am worthless.
“You are intriguing, with those secrets and depths no one discovered. But the truth is, you are too dangerous a mystery to be obsessed with.”
I nod as he presses his lips to my temple in apology. He’s right.
The resonance of our conversation is excruciating abuse to my heart. I keep repeating, I must solve my problems on my own. Putting the walls back in place, I continue cooking dinner. Circling thoughts in a shielded prison are beating down my resolve.
Since it takes so much strength to hide the inner storm tearing me to pieces, I stay silent, unable to keep up with conversation during our meal. Everyone seems so happy, loud, and chatty, while I feel detached from the people around me, pushing the food around my plate like puzzle pieces.
The storm is rising from the depths of my soul like a hurricane, spinning emotions, and I hear the thunder and see the lightning behind my eyes. The light is sucked out by the approaching darkness.
The air becomes charged with tension and promise of violence. My heart begins pumping faster and my breathing becomes hectic and short. My hands grip the silverware. The tension’s building as the thoughts start to swirl. The pressure’s ready to be discharged, and my muscles lock in anticipation.
Aisha’s voice as she speaks on the phone grates my nerves. Logan’s hand placed on my lower body annoys me. My eyes fill up with a burning rage that makes my blood boil with wrath and my lungs burn with need to release it. In the far corner, I see him—Ethan. Hiding from us, the boy has a mischievous glint in his eyes.
He locks his beautiful brown eyes with mine and hollers, “Hide, Mummy is coming to get you!” Then he runs away, playful giggles sounding in his wake.
“Hey, I need to go, I just got a call from work. They lost the key, so I must go and bring mine to them. Do you mind? I’ll be quick, ok?” Aisha tries to get my attention, but she doesn’t notice me siphoning rage under my skin as I smile and nod.
“Aisha, wait, let me take you to work. I could use some fresh air.” Leif doesn’t wait for her to answer. The sound of jingling keys and echoes of doors closing propels me to my feet. I see red as my chest explodes.
My surroundings disappear. There is no room, no dinner, no people—only ghosts of the past, laughing, mocking me. The agonizing cries of the woman hidden behind the wall tear me to pieces. The inevitable wrath consumes my body until my heart thuds like an automatic weapon shooting bullets.
The urge to let go of the rage is too strong to deny. I grab everything in my way, like I can’t stand them being in my space. The plates with the food, the jars with water we drank, the wine exploding around me. The vases with flowers, the frames, and the chairs break as I toss them around. The shattering sounds of destruction are propelling me further. I don’t stop. I don’t rest. I just rage, destroying everything in my way.
Furious, I punish myself for being this unworthy human. The humiliating truth about my existence infuriates me. The undeserving mother, sister, and daughter; I should have been kept in that madhouse. I deserved to be treated like an animal tied to the bed.
Nate’s round eyes go wide, and he cowers away from me behind the stairs. His scared cries halt me. “Mummy, stop, please, you’re scaring me!”
As his ghost disappears, I’m left feeling empty and depleted.
