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My vision clears to see Logan standing in the center of the maelstrom, looking around at the shattered pieces of the home we built together. My hands and legs are bleeding, and I heave as if I’ve just run a marathon. Shocked, I take in the magnitude of destruction.
Logan is in the middle of the demolition, with few scratches on his face and arms. His hands balled tightly into fists, the icy mask is razor sharp. Is he mad because I destroyed this home? Does he want to hit me for my loss of control?
Holding my breath, I wait to see what he will do, unsure if I’ll fight back if he wants to teach me a lesson. I feel like I deserve any violence that will follow. Before unleashing this damage, I never considered our children's well-being.
I simply lost it.
I expel a defeated breath as I surrender myself to whatever fate awaits me. I close my eyes in submission and wait for the blow to hit me. Instead, I sense him as he comes closer and pauses, waiting for me to acknowledge his presence. I can’t deal with his disappointment.
“Cassandra…” A whisper, and then a soft touch wiping away the wetness I didn’t know was there. I open my eyes to see Logan approaching me like he would a wild animal.
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He doesn’t get it yet that I won’t fight him. He picks me up like a rag doll and takes me upstairs to his bedroom, bringing supplies to clean my wounds. I sit there, numb, watching him, wondering when he will strike.
Instead, he kisses every scratch and plasters all the bleeding wounds. Lastly, he takes off my clothes, leaving me only in my underwear, then carries me to the shower room. A pelting hot stream washes away all the heaviness and darkness, leaving me clean and lightheaded.
“Relax and breathe, Angel.”
I press my forehead to Logan's chest in apology, like a child who has misbehaved, while his hands envelop me in a gentle embrace. I silently start crying. No words of apology are capable of leaving my mouth at his gentle kindness. The pressure building behind my abused heart keeps reminding me that I am unworthy of love.
I beat his chest as agonizing cries lodge in my throat, and I’m compelled to know. “Do you see me only as a broken bird you want to fix? Don’t you understand that I’m a person, not a puzzle to be solved! Why can’t you find a normal woman somewhere else?”
Logan’s rests his chin on top of my head and his hands soothingly stroke my back until my sobs subdue. He then wraps me in a towel and takes me to my bedroom. Moments later, he gets me my favorite jeans and blouse, and places them next to me.
“Get dressed, Cassandra.” His calm behavior worries me; the waiting is killing me.
Does he want me to move out, as he now knows I am a danger to our children, or does he want me locked away? Riddled with questions, I dress, knowing I deserve what is to come.
The little ones wake up with demanding cries to be fed. This is possibly the only chance at goodbye, so I shouldn’t waste it. I pick up little Liane from the cot, kissing her small head—her hair is sticking out everywhere. Her little chubby face is so cute, and the facial expression makes me laugh.
I hold her gently in my hands, trying to send her my piece of love as a gift to her little heart while mine is withering with fear of losing her. Liane attacks her personal buffet with a hungry vigor, her beautiful eyes locked on mine. Devastated, I smile at her with tearful eyes, while she sucks my breast in determination.
I touch her little hands, placing my thumb in her tiny palm. “You are a beautiful, wonderful gift, Liane. Promise me you’ll grow into a strong, happy woman, will you?”
As she feeds, I commit to memory every single feature and expression, count her fingers and toes, and brush her hair with my free hand, as she closes her eyes in blissful comfort.
As soon as I place her on the cot, her unhappy brother starts to cry for his turn. I turn around to pick him, but Logan is not letting him go. With no choice left, I lift my guilty eyes to his. Only then, does he give me Leon to feed. My little munchkin is choking on the milk as he sucks, far too fast.
“Calm down, boy. There is plenty for you too,” Logan tries to appease him. Our boy must love his dad’s voice because just a moment later, he slows down the suction and closes his eyes.
Lovingly, I whisper in his ear my love for him, and place him next to Liane. During the day, they love to sleep next to each other, cuddled like kittens, taking comfort from one another’s company. They will be ok. There is nothing Logan won’t do for those he loves.
“Could you wait for me downstairs, please? I need to make some calls, and then we’ll talk.”
I nod, watching his cautious expression, tight with worry. Logan goes to find his phone.
Once I walk downstairs, I have a chance to take in the destruction. Our possessions are destroyed, and shattered pieces are scattered around. I start to cry as the guilt-saturated air weighs me down. One moment. That’s all it took for Sandra to become a hurricane that tore apart our nest.
I can’t be here anymore! I appreciate what Leif tried to tell me. I get it. Before I could be around the fragile lives of my children, I need to do a lot of healing. Logan doesn’t deserve to deal with my problems.
The sole purpose of being the parent is to provide them with safe harbor and make them feel loved. I will unbalance their safety, make them fear me. With hurtful revelation, I stand in the middle of the debris, finally accepting that I have huge issues. I must deal with them, and my family shouldn’t be the ones on the receiving end.
I stand lost in my thoughts, and don’t hear Aisha and Leif enter the house. Aisha’s gasp wakes me from my daydream, and I turn to face them, seeing their appalled expressions.
“What happened? Have you been robbed, attacked… who has done this?” Aisha tries to grasp the extent of the damage.
While I stare at Leif, who’s looking at me with a dark expression, I let her have a moment to take in the destruction. His hard eyes, assessing the situation, come to the conclusion about who is at fault. Leif turns and runs upstairs to check on his family, but my sister is trying to soothe me.
