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I thought if I didn't pressure her to open up, she might one day choose to confide in me because I made her feel safe and earned her trust. So far, I’ve seen her most vulnerable after all these incidents she encountered, but quickly afterwards, she puts shields up instead of letting her guard down and opening up to what she is feeling. Sometimes I wonder if she knows what she experiences.
Lately, I question if she made up the Cassandra façade to guard against pain. She is a cage to Sandra’s past secrets. Perhaps, there is a woman behind it who wants to get out, and this is how she does it. What are you hiding? What kind emotional trauma could have caused you to establish those protective shields?
The more I think about her loss, the more I realize she rarely mourns them. Apart from the pain in her eyes, nightmares, or rage episodes, there is no clue she’s coping with the loss. She’s locked the memories away, trying to survive.
She might think she won the deal, but I will change it. The agreement to keep the door opened for me to reenter her life. But first, it is time for me speak with her sisters.
~Cassandra~
“Perhaps you should consider taking the medicines that might help to settle down your nerves,” Raine whispers to me, as we sit in the garden watching Liane and Leon on the swings. Darren is speaking with his sons, a little further away from us. “It was beyond scary to fathom that you haven’t even realized what you are doing. Your episodes are unsafe, not only for them, but for you as well. Talk to the therapist about the medications. I’m afraid you’re losing grasp on reality.”
“I don’t like how they make me feel, Raine. If Logan agrees to leave me and take the twins with him, I might be able to find my balance, with a good diet and fitness, and working with Dr. Neil.”
“It’s getting worse, for some reason.”
My eyes are full of frustrated tears, but I refuse to shed them. The subtle suggestion hits me hard, but I fear she might be right. Perhaps I should have let them fry my brain in the mental hospital.
“Aisha wants something, I should go check.”
As soon as she leaves, Lucas comes over to join me. “How are you feeling today?”
He pushes Liane’s swing, and all the hair on my arms raises, then he looks at me with his wolf-like eyes.
What does he know? “I’m fine, I guess. I don’t really know what happened, so it’s hard for me to describe how I feel about weird behavior. I am sorry that you had to get involved.”
“I do come across this more often than you might think. I’m in the military, and I have seen many soldiers suffering from stress disorders.” He looks at me with a questioning gaze, and I can’t decipher what he wants to tell me. “These disorders are common to develop after exposure to a traumatic event, such as war, sexual assault, traffic collisions, or
other threats to a person’s life.”
I slowly nod as he continues trying to point me somewhere. “My boys died in a car accident, and if anyone should have had this disorder, it was my ex-husband, as he was in the car and survived it. I was at home when they came to tell me the news. I have acute panic-anxiety disorder.” Although, I am questioning my mental status, since I act like a lunatic.
“You have similar symptoms. I could help. I mean, to teach you to deal with it. I have a few techniques that might work better than just therapy or medication.”
I feel very skeptical about it, considering for the first time, perhaps pills could benefit me better. Honestly, it is hard to admit I can’t do it without the help of drugs.
Nevertheless. I am very grateful.
“Do you re-experience the loss or the day when you were told that they died?”
I can only come across strange, disturbing dreams I have, or the memories of them coming to life in front of my eyes. While I think about it, he continues trying to give me a new perspective. He goes through other symptoms, gauging if I have any.
“Are those common symptoms after experiencing any traumatic event, especially related to the loss?” I genuinely don’t know if this diagnosis is right for me, but I let him speak. “For instance, re-experiencing events may cause problems in your everyday routine, as you suddenly start panicking or feeling anxious. Those symptoms can begin from the dark thoughts, feelings about certain things that remind you of the incident. Many things can trigger re-experiencing symptoms.”
He gets quiet after telling me about it. I am so lost in thought I don’t notice my face is wet with tears. Lucas pulls me into an embrace and rubs my back as a surprised breath leaves my lungs. I wipe my wet cheeks.
“Let’s get them inside. The twins are probably tired and need a good nap.” Without any complaint, Marine takes Liane, who is fascinated with her uncle and those delicious tags around his neck. I gather my boy in my arms who tries to converse with me in his baby language, flirting.
While I look at him, I decide I want to breastfeed them as long as that might be, and see my boy and girl fall asleep in my arms every time. The nervousness of the unknown makes me feel jittery about the future, and the fact that every time I start to think about life without them, my strength evaporates into the air.
“Let’s take them upstairs?”
Lucas nods, with none of the teasing or banter I’m used to hearing from Leif. Leif makes me feel weird to breastfeed near him. Most of the time, I want to hit him over the head, and that’s probably why he’s doing it. He is actually is not so bad. In fact, he is a very considerate and loving person.
Lucas takes the seat near the window and starts to play with Liane, making me feel somewhat at ease instead of being concerned about propriety. Lucas wants to watch me breastfeeding. Apparently, men in this family have some fascination with this act. He brushes Leon’s head and my boy gives him an evil eye that makes us both chuckle.
Eventually, Liane gets very restless. By the smell of it, we know why.
“Do you want me to change her?”
