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Kai shook his head. “If I do this every day, then it goes away?”
“It will get better. You have to face your fear safely, in here,” she said, tapping her own head. “Then you can face it out there, in the ocean, where things can go wrong.” Jun moved so she was kneeling next to him, her face close to his. “I saw you when your knee gave out on the wave. It was only when you realized you were surfing, when your mind engaged, that you lost your balance. That’s the truth. It’s also true at the gym. As long as you weren’t thinking about your knee being weak, then you were fine. It was only when you realized you were using the weak knee that it gave way.”
Kai studied Jun’s face. Could she be right? “You really think I’m sabotaging myself?”
“I think fear is making you do a lot of things. We can’t know for sure if it’s all fear, but I know a lot of it is.”
Jun was leaning in so close that Kai could smell the coconut scent of the lotion she liked to use. His mind abruptly shifted gears as he laid a finger in the crook of her arm. She jumped a little, surprised by the contact. He was surprised, too. Every time he touched Jun, he felt a little jolt. That wasn’t something he was used to. Not with any of the women he’d dated. He’d never wanted to kiss one of them so badly as he wanted to kiss Jun right in this moment. Her eyes told him she wanted that, too, but her body leaned away from him.
“I’m not the only one who’s scared,” Kai said. “You are, too.”
“I’m not.”
“So come closer.”
“No.” She shook her head. “I’m not going to help you sabotage yourself. If you flirt with me, you don’t have to think about all the work you have to do.”
That stopped Kai cold. Was she right? Was his attraction to her nothing but his mind playing games with him? Was it all avoidance?
“But the knee buckling. That’s real.”
“Is it? Or is it your mind worried about trusting the knee again? Is it your mind that’s giving up before your knee?”
Kai rubbed his chin, thinking about it. He honestly didn’t know. But he was willing to try anything. He felt a flicker of hope. “You really think this will work?”
“I think it’s worth a try,” Jun said.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
FOR THE NEXT few months, Jun and Kai worked tirelessly on meditation and visualization exercises almost every day, as well as a staggering regimen of weights, cardio, yoga and Tai Chi. Jun could see the progress and could see Kai growing calmer and calmer with each session. She could see the treatment working, and that thrilled her. She couldn’t believe how dedicated Kai became, and as he showed improvement, he threw himself into her system, eating well and not even complaining about her list of rules. She watched him grow lighter, witnessed the worry starting to lift from his shoulders as hope swooped in, displacing dread.
He even stopped trying to kiss her. Or touch her. Or flirt. She didn’t want to be right about the fact that he’d used her as a distraction when all this was really about was surfing.
Part of her celebrated his seriousness, while part of her mourned the fact that he’d abandoned trying to get her into bed. She knew she ought to be glad, but the stronger Kai’s self-control became, the weaker hers seemed to get. Jun felt painfully aware of Kai’s body, wherever he was in the room and whatever he was doing. Each day her feelings grew stronger. She was beginning to wish she’d never come up with her stupid no-sex rule. Not that she’d ever sleep with her boss, but sometimes, lying in bed at night, all she could think about was what Kai’s hands would feel like on her body. She’d gone nearly two years without a man, and now it seemed as though two years’ worth of pent-up desire came raging to the surface. Jun struggled for self-control.
“Jun?” Kai’s voice interrupted her thoughts, and she blinked, hoping she hadn’t blanked out too long. Kai was sitting cross-legged on the mat on the patio outside. They’d been midsession, visualizing a wave when Jun had faded out, her mind straying away from the ocean and straight to Kai’s bed.
“Oh...I’m sorry.” Jun shook her head, her face flushed. “I lost my train of thought.”
