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Helen smiles at me again and then hurries down the hall. She comes back with a stack of clothes.
“Feel free to pick what you like out of here, all of it is just a bit too small for me so it should suit you fine. I won’t be gone long and then we can have dinner and talk about the job.”
My mind is reeling. Stay here? Wear fancy clothes? Get a job… An actual job? I shake my head a little.
“It sounds great Helen.” When I smile back at her, my cheeks hurt, just a little.
That’s when I realize how long it’s been since I gave anyone a real, genuine smile.
As Helen turns her back to go, I watch her, just as confused by my own reaction as I am by her kindness to me.
Eleven
Helen
My heart is fluttering up into my throat and trying desperately to hammer its way out of my mouth. I try to breathe deeply but my throat constricts even further, and I just feel dizzy and sick.
I lean on the railings at the front of the building for a few seconds, shaking my head. I don’t know what I’m doing. Why did I make such an effort to be nice to her when the first thing she did when she woke up was yell at me?
I am curious as to what turned her into such a reactive, emotional creature. This fascinates me. I never had anything in my l
ife that worked me up like that and until recently I couldn’t have imagined a situation where my own feelings could get out of control.
But here I am, clinging to the railing with my guts heaving. I don’t try to rush myself, just let my body shudder and pound while I draw the breaths in slowly and deliberately. Within a few minutes I can get up and call a cab and then I’m in a much better position to go over my thoughts.
Roxy has something I’ve never had. Complete freedom. She says and does what she wants. She doesn’t care what people think. She feels keenly and reacts on instinct.
That turns me on so much.
But I can’t let my judgement be clouded by the fact I’m attracted to her. While I was sitting with her this morning it seemed like the most sensible thing in the world to tell her to stay.
Now I’m not sure. All those things I like so much about Roxy might be the exact same things that stab me in the back.
I head into my building and try to throw myself into work. It’s a busy day with designs and pages flowing across my desk and phones ringing nonstop. I can’t get my shit together. I keep going to the coffee room and just standing there over my cup looking into it like it might be the great oracle.
I left a strange woman in my apartment. Not just a strange woman, but a rough one who’s used to making her way with very little. She might be a professional criminal, looking out for lonely women like me. The thought fills me with dread.
I sit down in a corner with my coffee and the days designs have just disappeared from my mind. I know I’ve got deadlines and usually my mind would be full of work even while I was on a break, but not today.
I’m staring to get scared about leaving Roxy at home with all my stuff. I’m also furious with myself for making such a judgement and most likely, only doing it to sabotage myself.
I’ve got the perfect opportunity to get to know someone—someone I like, who might like me—and it could get me my own magazine section. All the reasons to do this pile up in my mind. It doesn’t make the nervousness any better, though.
I’m going to have to go home. I can’t stand this not knowing and I’m beginning to feel it was the biggest mistake of my life leaving her alone there.
“Oh, there you are!” Lisa comes through the door, smiling brightly. I tense up immediately because I know I’ve got several designs on my desk that should have been in her hands hours ago.
“Hey.”
“I really need to talk to you.”
“Those three advertising sheets will be in there in a few hours, I swear.”
“Wait, what? Oh, I know the ones. No rush, you can finish those later if you want. No honey I’ve got to talk to you about those spare pages.”
For a moment I’m totally lost. “We have spare pages in the next issue. Do you have a plan for them?”
“No, no honey. I mean the special section.”
