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I laugh at her antics, replying, “Anything you wanna do, sweets. We can do it Saturday if it’s okay with your daddy.” I look to Colton for his approval, and he nods with a grin tipping up the corner of his lips. There is a glint of intrigue in his eyes and I realize he’s just been taking in my interaction with Heidi Jo, enjoying it even. She bounds up from the chair quickly, rushing to wrap her arms around Colton’s neck before she leaps up into my lap pulling my cheek flush with hers.
“I love girls’ day with Carly Jo. She’s the bestest friend ever.” She claims and like putty in her hands, I melt. I’d give this little girl anything just to see her smile. She may not be mine, but she owns a huge piece of my heart.
“Hold on there, little girl…I thought I was your best friend?” Colton tilts his head to the side looking at her with a goofy grin on his face. He knows he holds her heart in the palm of his hand, but I think he enjoys seeing her happy with me. Regardless of what wedge I’ve driven between us with my royal screw up, Colton still loves me deep down inside even if he’s lying to himself.
“You’re both my best friends, Daddy.” She giggles, rolling her eyes back. “But sometimes, girls just need to do what girls love.” She hops down out of my lap and twists her hips through the hall making her way to her room.
“Are you finished eatin’, Heidi Jo?” Colton hollers out to her.
“Yep, got a full belly, Daddy. Now I’m gonna shake it all off.” She bellows out, shutting her door behind her. Music flows through the house as the bass pumps loudly from the speakers. I laugh inwardly at her choice of music. R&B, Pop, and Hip Hop are the direct polar opposite of Colton’s love for Country. He loves the classics like Johnny Cash, George Jones and some of the newer artists such as Florida Georgia Line and Brantley Gilbert. Where as she loves Ariana Grande, Pit Bull and Iggy Azalea. Where this little diva gets her taste in music from is lost on me.
Colton begins to clear the table so I jump in to help him. He scrapes the plates into the trash while I wrap the leftovers placing them in the fridge. He remains quiet, but judging by the look on his face he’s deep in thought and has something hanging on the edge of his mouth. I begin rinsing the dishes to place in the dishwasher when Colton spins me around swiftly, grasping my face in his large calloused hands. His sultry breath dances across my lips before his lips crash into mine, slowly tilting my damn world off its axis.
Chapter 13
Psalms 26:2 Prove me, O LORD, and try me; test my heart and my mind.
I firmly believe as I was taught as a boy. God has a plan for us all. For each man he created, a woman was made from his rib. For him and only him. A perfect fit, side by side, hand in hand. Souls that are separate, survivin’ on their own, but only livin’ when the two collide into one.
God has dealt with me for the last couple of weeks. But I’m stubborn as hell and refused to give in, lettin’ the anger subside and forgivin’ Carly Jo. But tonight, He played me for the fool that I am. Pushin’ me to my limits, testin’ my heart, soul and mind.
My heart feels mangled.
My soul feels lifeless, detached.
My mind feels manic and torn.
Temptation tugs at me. I’ve fought it off, workin’ the night shift just so I wouldn’t have to face her. But since she stepped foot through the door I can’t function. An action as simple as speakin’ is impossible. Everything I try to say comes out harsh. I can’t even begin to process everything I need and want to say to her.
I pushed myself away when she was just within reach. The smell of Japanese Cherry Blossom envelopes my senses as I breathe her in, causin’ my knees to grow weak. Watchin’ her with Heidi Jo, hearin’ the laughter the two of them share tells me that I have to know what I’ll be missin’ by lettin’ her go. We work around each other in the kitchen with a fluid rhythm, but with each wisp of her caramel brown waves her scent intoxicates me deeper. Temptation swells within me and like a bitch, my knees about hit the floor.
Grippin’ her elbow in my hand I swing her around facin’ me. I cradle her delicate face in the palms of my hands as I hover my lips over hers, thinkin’ twice about my next move. Either I’ll be void of all emotion and will be able to erase Carly Jo from my memory like yesterday’s news; or I’ll be enraptured in her as I always have been. For the sake of my sanity I’m prayin’ for the former. When the air escapes the room I crash my lips onto hers beggin’ for oxygen, for a life line.
The world stands still.
I encase her lips within mine, explorin’ her mouth with the most delicate, sensual touch. When I pull away she clutches my shirt as her eyes remain firmly closed. Her breath catches in her throat and she releases a slight whimper. My body trembles as I pull away from her, guilt and regret washing over me. I take a step backwards raking my fingers through my hair in frustration. Carly Jo’s eyes flicker open slowly as she traces her index finger over her swollen, bottom lip. When she sees the pained expression on my face, she casts her eyes down to the floor. I take a step closer to her searchin’ her face for any emotion but she’s blank.
“I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry.” I whisper before walkin’ to the back door. I swing the door open and suck in a deep breath of fresh, cool air. My chest is tight and my heart is thunderin’ against my rib cage with heavy thrusts. It takes me a few minutes to pull my shit together. I’m pissed as hell at myself for even invitin’ her over to supper. Shoulda known I couldn’t keep my damn hands to myself. Clarity washes over me and I realize that I’ll never be able to move on from Carly Jo. Just like Eve was made from Adam, Carly Jo was made from me. But the realization that the woman who’s a part of me betrayed me in the worse possible way stings like hell.
I pull the door closed and make my way to the living room where Carly Jo is scrunched into the corner of the couch with her knees pressed up against her chest. I fall back into the recliner with a long sigh, scrubbin’ my face against the palm of my hand. “Carly Jo, I’ve tried to justify everything over these last few weeks. Tried to see the big picture and damn, it’s hard as hell.” She stares down at her hands, refusin’ to make eye contact with me. This is her way to mask the tears that I know damn well a
re threatenin’ to spill. The prick inside of me wants to see her cry, wants to see her beg and plead for my forgiveness. But only because I want to be the one to dry her tears and to put her heart back together. But that’s hard as hell when she shattered me this time. Frig. I think Karma just showed her Royal Flush, bustin’ my ass in this gamble. What goes ‘round comes ‘round, I think is what they say. “I understand now why you had such a hard time lettin’ me get too close to ya, and why you kept pushin’ me away. You were afraid I’d break your heart again. You were scared to trust me because you knew I’d screw up somehow. We both screwed up. I’m tryin’ to forgive ya, but I can’t stand the thought of knowin’ another man had what was mine.”
She wrings her hands together as she chews on her bottom lip searching her thoughts for a rebuttal. She shakes her head back and forth deep in thought as she pinches her eyes closed. “I let fear control my emotions for far too long and by the time I had realized that, it was too late. I can’t change my mistakes. All I can do is ask for your forgiveness. I know it’s not going to come overnight, and I don’t expect that. But a chance would be appreciated.”
“What if the baby ain’t mine, Carly Jo? Do you know how many damn times a day that thought flashes through my mind?”
“Colton, probably as much as I think about it. I can’t force you into anything. I can’t make you accept a child that ain’t yours. All I can offer you in this moment is my penance. I’ll always love you, whether you forgive me or not. And if all I ever have from you is friendship that will be better than not having you at all.” She says softly. Stretching her legs out, she stands up making her way to the front door. “The Paternity test is in a week. I hope you can find peace with the situation over that time and can find it within yourself to realize that we both made the same mistake. Only I wasn’t here to draw the guilt out of you at the time. No matter how angry you are with me, I need you. The baby needs you.” She wipes a stray tear from her cheek as she pulls her boots on. “Thanks for dinner.” She mutters. Twistin’ the handle she vanishes out into the cold winter night.
I stare at the front door for what feels like an eternity before I realize she ain’t comin’ back. The only way she’ll come back through that door is if I go after her, but right now my damn stubborn pride is holdin’ me captive of my own freewill. I want her so damn bad. I want to possess every inch of her just as I was meant to. But I just don’t know if can live with raisin’ another man’s baby.
I’ve talked to Luke a little about my hesitance and although he insists that he only wants friendship with Carly Jo, somethin’ tells me he will feel differently if the paternity tests reveals that he’s the daddy. Then it will be a battle of wills. How will she deny the father of her child at havin’ the lovin’ family it will deserve? Hell, that’s the very reason I didn’t run to the ends of the earth searchin’ for her when she left eight years ago. I knew Kari was havin’ my baby and it wouldn’t be fair for Carly Jo to have to endure all of that. And the double edged sword twists deeper into my gut, slicin’ me inside and out. I’m one sick bastard. A conversation I had with Heidi Jo a few months back, comes floodin’ to the base of my mind.
The only momma figure Heidi Jo has ever had in her life has been my momma, Emma. She has helped me raise Heidi Jo since the day she was born. When Carly Jo and I started seein’ each other again, Heidi Jo quickly became attached to her. One night as I was tuckin’ her into bed Heidi Jo asked me if Carly Jo would be her momma one day. Clingin’ on to the love that embodied me so fiercely, I was honest with my little girl. I told her that I was workin’ on it. And I meant every word I said. I’d never break a promise to Heidi Jo intentionally. I had intended on makin’ Carly Jo my wife, makin’ her Heidi’s momma. But now I realize I was expectin’ her to turn the other cheek raisin’ my daughter as her own, which is basically what she and Luke are both tellin’ me to do now; if the situation presents itself that way.
I’m a prideful man, you can blame my raisin’ for it. I want to build our family so damn bad. But I don’t know that I can get past the mistakes she’s made. Yeah, I know our sins are the same. The only difference is Carly Jo has a heart of gold and with time can forgive. I’m a black hearted bastard still learnin’ to mend fences and move on.
Chapter 14
