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“I know, but it’s not good either.” I run a hand through my hair. “Don’t you think it’s cruel that we’ve been stuck here for so long, while everyone else fades around us so quickly?”
We are an anomaly, our foursome. Most people arrive in Styx and fade within hours, days, weeks. Or maybe a month, tops.
We’ve been here for years.
Hawthorne and I the longest of all. Though no one who arrives realizes this because they come and go so quickly.
“I think it is strange. But I don’t want to question it because I don’t want to lose you.”
Right now, is my opportunity. My chance. I should tell him the truth. That he is finally fading after all these years. That something has shifted and the four of us have begun to lose what we hold dear: one another.
“Listen, Ten. When Lennox, South, and I confessed our love yesterday, we meant it, we want to share ourselves with you, completely. Maybe you can look inside yourself and reconsider.”
“Why?” I ask.
“Because there are no guarantees in Styx.”
I look at him, wondering if maybe he knows that we are fading, maybe he feels it the same as I see it.
“One day could change everything,” he says, looking at me with more tenderness than I deserve.
“You really think that?” I ask
“I do. One day can change the course of our lives. It’s happened before.”
I assume he is referring to the day we died Earth-side but there is a flicker of something in his eyes that makes me think maybe he is referring to something else.
What?
Pursing my lips, I consider his words. One day changing everything. God, how I want to change things before I fade.
What I really want is to leave this place.
“If that is so,” I challenge. “Then let’s see what the next day brings,” I say, crossing my arms. “But, personally, I don’t think it will be any different than it always is.”
I tell myself that because I hope like hell it’s true.
I’m not ready for this to be over.
“God, Ten, you are in quite the mood tonight.”
I sigh. “I’m just ready for more. And maybe you’re right. Maybe everything can change in one day’s time. I guess what I mean is, I’m ready to see if that is true. If we can change our fortunes.” I wave my hand around. “Because is this really all there is?”
Hawthorne narrows his bright green eyes and taking my hand he guides me back to the porch. “Let’s find out. Let’s take risks like we normally wouldn’t.” He turns, pulling me to him.
“What do you have in mind?” But even as I say it I know what he wants.
Me.
2
Tennyson
His mouth is so close. Close enough to kiss and I want to lean in and take what he offers but another part of me resists.
Is it fair to give him my body, knowing he is about to fade?
He sees my apprehension and sighs, pulling away.
“I’m sorry,” I start. But he shakes his head.
“I don’t want your pity,” he whispers. “I want your heart.”
Knowing I’m too scared to give it, I swallow and turn away, leaving the kitchen and crossing the living room that is filled with people swaying to the music. Here, half-faded couples hold onto what time they have left.
Outside, we sit on old wooden rockers that creak against the wooden planked porch. The buzzing of crickets and croaking frogs in the marshy river are a familiar sound. There are a thousand intricately placed stars in the artificial sky, and I try to make peace with my life -- my half-life here in Styx -- for the millionth time.
It’s impossible.
“This isn’t so bad, Tennyson,” he tells me. “Look at this view, this house. It could be worse. South says this place is way better than his childhood in--”
I cut him off. “I know. I just wish I could remember.”
“Me too.” Hawthorne sips from his flask, his black hair falling into his eyes. For a moment I wonder if I’m seeing things, then he looks at me again, and I know I’m not. For a slight flicker of a second, his hand was a blur, ghostly. I immediately reach for him, wanting to ground him here, with me.
The same thing happened with Lennox, then South. They’re all beginning to fade.
I move from my rocker and sit in Hawthorne’s lap, wrapping my arms around him, desperate for him to stay here with me. I’m not ready to let him go. He still seems utterly unaware of what is happening to him and I’m not ready to say aloud what I see.
Unfortunately, I can’t offer the same healing magic to myself.
“You know, Tenny,” Hawthorne says, wrapping his arm around me. “At least we have one another.”
I nod, burying my fears. Because do we? We won’t have one another when they fade. That’s why I am pushing away what they have all asked for: my love.
