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I had a few friends in Toronto; I asked around. I was told about an excellent hospice there--everyone I knew said it was quite a wonderful place, under the circumstances. Casey House, it was called; just recently, someone told me it still exists.
The director of nursing at Casey House, at that time, was a great guy; his first name was John, if I remember correctly, and I think he had an Irish last name. Since I'd moved back to First Sister, I was discovering that I wasn't very good at remembering names. Besides, whenever this was, exactly--when I heard about Donna being sick--I was already fifty, or in my fifties. (It wasn't just names I had trouble remembering!)
John told me that Donna had been admitted to hospice care several months before. But Donna was "Don" to the nurses and other caregivers at Casey House, John had explained to me.
"Estrogen has side effects--in particular, it can affect the liver," John told me. Furthermore, estrogens can cause a kind of hepatitis; the bile stagnates and builds. "The itching that occurs with this condition was driving Don nuts," was how John put it. It was Donna herself who'd told everyone to call her Don; upon stopping the estrogens, her beard came back.
It seemed exceptionally unfair to me that Donna, who had worked so hard to feminize herself, was not only dying of AIDS; she was being forced to return to her former male self.
Donna also had cytomegalovirus. "In this case, the blindness may be a blessing," John told me. He meant that Donna was spared seeing her beard, but of cour
se she could feel it--even though one of the nurses shaved her face every day.
"I just want to prepare you," John said to me. "Watch yourself. Don't call him 'Donna.' Just try not to let that name slip." In our phone conversations, I'd noticed that the director of nursing was careful to use the he and him words while discussing "Don." John not once said she or her or Donna.
Thus prepared, I found my way to Huntley Street in downtown Toronto--a small residential-looking street, or so it seemed to me (between Church Street and Sherbourne Street, if you know the city). Casey House itself was like a very large family's home; it had as pleasant and welcoming an atmosphere as was possible, but there's only so much you can do about bedsores and muscular wasting--or the lingering smell, no matter how hard you try to mask it, of fulminant diarrhea. Donna's room had an almost-nice lavender smell. (A bathroom deodorizer, a perfumed disinfectant--not one I would choose.) I must have held my breath.
"Is that you, Billy?" Donna asked; white splotches clouded her eyes, but she could hear okay. I'll bet she'd heard me hold my breath. Of course they'd told her I was coming, and a nurse had very recently shaved her; I was unused to the masculine smell of the shaving cream, or maybe it was an after-shave gel. Yet, when I kissed her, I could feel the beard on Donna's cheek--as I'd not once felt it when we were making love--and I could see the shadow of a beard on her clean-shaven face. She was taking Coumadin; I saw the pills on the bedside table.
I was impressed by what a good job the nurses were doing at Casey House; they were experts at accomplishing all they could to make Donna comfortable, including (of course) the pain control. John had explained to me the subtleties of sublingual morphine versus morphine elixir versus fentanyl patch, but I hadn't really been listening. John also told me that Don was using a special cream that seemed to help control his itching, although the cream was exposing Don to "a lot of steroids."
Suffice it to say, I saw that Donna was in good and caring hands at Casey House--even though she was blind, and she was dying as a man. While I was visiting with Donna, two of her Toronto friends also came to see her--two very passable transsexuals, each of them clearly dedicated to living her life as a woman. When Donna introduced us, I very much had the feeling that she'd forewarned them I would be there; in fact, Donna might have asked her friends to stop by when I was with her. Maybe Donna wanted me to see that she'd found "her people," and that she'd been happy in Toronto.
The two transsexuals were very friendly to me--one of them flirted with me, but it was all for show. "Oh, you're the writer--we know all about you!" the more outgoing but not flirtatious one said.
"Oh, yeah--the bi guy, right?" the one who was coming on to me said. (She definitely wasn't serious about it. The flirting was entirely for Donna's amusement; Donna had always loved flirting.)
"Watch out for her, Billy," Donna told me, and all three of them laughed. Given Atkins, given Delacorte, given Larry--not to mention those airmen who killed Miss Frost--it wasn't a terribly painful visit. At one point, Donna even said to her flirtatious friend, "You know, Lorna--Billy never complained that I had too big a cock. You liked my cock, didn't you, Billy?" Donna asked me.
"I certainly did," I told her, being careful not to say, "I certainly did, Donna."
"Yeah, but you told me Billy was a top," Lorna said to Donna; the other transsexual, whose name was Lilly, laughed. "Try being a bottom and see what too big a cock does to you!"
"You see, Billy?" Donna said. "I told you to watch out for Lorna. She's already found a way to let you know she's a bottom, and that she likes little cocks."
The three friends all laughed at that--I had to laugh, too. I only noticed, when I was saying good-bye to Donna, that her friends and I had not once called her by name--not Donna or Don. The two transsexuals waited for me when I was saying good-bye to John; I would have hated his job.
I walked with Lorna and Lilly to the Sherbourne subway station; they were taking the subway home, they said. By the way they said the home word, and the way they were holding hands, I got the feeling that they lived together. When I asked them where I could catch a taxi to take me back to my hotel, Lilly said, "I'm glad you mentioned what hotel you're staying in--I'll be sure to tell Donna that you and Lorna got in a lot of trouble."
Lorna laughed. "I'll probably tell Donna that you and Lilly got in trouble, too," Lorna told me. "Donna loves it when I say, 'Lilly never knew a cock she didn't like, big or little'--that cracks her up."
Lilly laughed, and I did, too, but the flirting was finished. It had all been for Donna. I kissed Donna's two friends good-bye at the Sherbourne subway station, their cheeks perfectly soft and smooth, with no hint of a beard--absolutely nothing you could feel against your face, and not the slightest shadow on their pretty faces. I still have dreams about those two.
I was thinking, as I kissed them good-bye, of what Elaine told me Mrs. Kittredge had said, when Elaine was traveling in Europe with Kittredge's mother. (This was what Mrs. Kittredge really said--not the story Elaine first told me.)
"I don't know what your son wants," Elaine had told Kittredge's mother. "I just know he always wants something."
"I'll tell you what he wants--even more than he wants to fuck us," Mrs. Kittredge said. "He wants to be one of us, Elaine. He doesn't want to be a boy or a man; it doesn't matter to him that he's finally so good at being a boy or a man. He never wanted to be a boy or a man in the first place!"
But if Kittredge was a woman now--if he was like Donna had been, or like Donna's two very "passable" friends--and if Kittredge had AIDS and was dying somewhere, what if they'd had to stop giving Kittredge the estrogens? Kittredge had a very heavy beard; I could still feel, after more than thirty years, how heavy his beard was. I had so often, and for so long, imagined Kittredge's beard scratching against my face.
Do you remember what he said to me, about transsexuals? "I regret I've never tried one," Kittredge had whispered in my ear, "but I have the impression that if you pick up one, the others will come along." (He'd been talking about the transvestites he'd seen in Paris.) "I think, if I were going to try it, I would try it in Paris," Kittredge had said to me. "But you, Nymph--you've already done it!" Kittredge had cried.
Elaine and I had seen Kittredge's single room at Favorite River Academy, most memorably (to me) the photograph of Kittredge and his mother that was taken after a wrestling match. What Elaine and I had noticed, simultaneously, was that an unseen hand had cut off Mrs. Kittredge's face and glued it to Kittredge's body. There was Kittredge's mother in Kittredge's wrestling tights and singlet. And there was Kittredge's handsome face glued to his mother's beautiful and exquisitely tailored body.
The truth was, Kittredge's face had worked on a woman's body, with a woman's clothes. Elaine had convinced me that Kittredge must have been the one who switched the faces in the photograph; Mrs. Kittredge couldn't have done it. "That woman has no imagination and no sense of humor," Elaine had said, in her authoritarian way.
I was back home from Toronto, having said good-bye to Donna. Lavender would never smell the same to me again, and you can imagine what an anticlimax it would be when Uncle Bob called me in my River Street house with the latest news of a classmate's death.
