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She raised one eyebrow skeptically, but said nothing more as I paid for the food and escorted her to the table we'd sat at last week before her disastrous experience with blood typing. It seemed like much more than a few days. Everything was different now.
She sat across from me again. I pushed the tray toward her.
"Take whatever you want," I encouraged.
She picked up an apple and twisted it in her hands, a speculative look on her face.
"I'm curious."
What a surprise.
"Yes... it is rather shocking," Jacob chuckled and Bella rolled her eyes.
"What would you do if someone dared you to eat food?" she continued in a low voice that wouldn't carry to human ears. Immortal ears were another matter, if those ears were paying attention. I probably should have mentioned something to them earlier??
"Oh great," Bella said, suddenly looking very self-conscious; she had a feeling the others weren't going to like this.
"You're always curious," I complained. Oh well. It wasn't like I hadn't had to eat before. It was part of the charade. An unpleasant part.
I reached for the closest thing, and held her eyes while I bite off a small bite of whatever it was.
"I wasn't actually asking you to eat it," Bella rolled her eyes. "A verbal answer would have been enough."
Without looking, I couldn't tell. It was as slimy and chunky and repulsive as any other human food. I chewed swiftly and swallowed, trying to keep the grimace off my face. The gob of food moved slowly and uncomfortably down my throat.
I sighed as I thought of how I would have to choke it back up later. Disgusting.
"That is disgusting... and something that we didn't need to hear about," Jacob said.
Bella's expression was shocked. Impressed.
I wanted to roll my eyes. Of course we would have perfected such deceptions.
"If someone dared you to eat dirt, you could, couldn't you?"
Her nose wrinkled and she smiled. "I did once??on a dare. It wasn't so bad."
Jacob laughed at that. "Why?"
"It was a dare," Bella said as if it was obviously, the all too common blush was coloring her checks again.
I laughed. "I suppose I'm not surprised."
They look cozy, don't they? Good body language. I'll give Bella my take later. He's leaning toward her just the way he should, if he's interested. He looks interested. He looks??perfect. Jessica sighed. Yum.
I met Jessica's curious eyes, and she looked away nervously, giggling to the girl next to her.
Hmmm. Probably better to stick to Mike. Reality, not fantasy??
"Yeah, you do that," Bella said.
"Jessica's analyzing everything I do," I informed Bella. "She'll break it down for you later."
I pushed the plate of food back towards her??pizza, I realized??wondering how best to begin. My former frustration flared as the words repeated in my head: More than he likes me. But I don't see how I can help that.
She took a bite from the same slice of pizza. It amazed me how trusting she was.
"Why? Is there something wrong with the pizza?" Bella wondered.
"I doubt it, he wouldn't give you anything that could have the slightest possibility of being dangerous," Jacob chuckled.
Of course, she didn't know I was poisonous??not that sharing food would hurt her. Still, I expected her to treat me differently. As something other. She never did??at least, not in a negative way??
I would start off gently.
"So the waitress was pretty, was she?"
She raised the eyebrow again. "You really didn't notice?"
As if any woman could hope to capture my attention from Bella. Absurd, again.
"If you don't say things like that to me, how am I supposed to know that's what you're thinking?" Bella muttered.
"No. I wasn't paying attention. I had a lot on my mind." Not the least of which had been the soft cling of her thin blouse??
Good thing she'd worn that ugly sweater today.
"Poor girl," Bella said, smiling.
She liked that I hadn't found the waitress interesting in any way. I could understand that. How many times had I imagined crippling Mike Newton in the biology room?
She couldn't honestly believe that her human feelings, the fruition of seventeen short mortal years, could be stronger than the immortal passions that had been building up in me for a century.
Bella grimaced, when he said it like that it made sense and yet it hurt that he couldn't perceive how much she liked him.
"Something you said to Jessica??" I couldn't keep my voice casual. "Well, it bothers me."
She was immediately on the defensive. "I'm not surprised you heard something you didn't like. You know what they say about eavesdroppers."
Eavesdroppers never hear good of themselves, that was the saying.
"I warned you I would be listening," I reminded her.
"And I warned you that you didn't want to know everything I was thinking."
Ah, she was thinking of when I'd made her cry. Remorse made my voice thicker.
"You did. You aren't precisely right, though. I do want to know what you're thinking?? everything. I just wish??that you wouldn't be thinking some things."
"Um... he's being confusing again," Jacob said.
More half-lies. I knew I shouldn't want her to care about me. But I did. Of course I did.
"That's quite a distinction," she grumbled, scowling at me.
"But that's not really the point at the moment."
"Then what is?"
She leaned toward me, her hand cupped lightly around her throat. It drew my eye??distracted me. How soft that skin must feel??
Focus, I commanded myself.
"Do you truly believe that you care more for me than I do for you?" I asked. The question sounded ridiculous to me, like the words were scrambled.
Her eyes were wide, her breathing stopped. Then she looked away, blinking quickly. Her breath came in a low gasp.
"You're doing it again," she murmured.
"What?"
"Dazzling me," she admitted, meeting my eyes warily.
"What did he do to dazzle you?" Jacob asked and Bella shrugged... how could she know?
"Oh." Hmm. I wasn't quite sure what to do about that. Nor was I sure that I didn't want to dazzle her. I was still thrilled that I could. But it wasn't helping the progression of the conversation.
"It's not your fault." She sighed. "You can't help it."
"Are you going to answer my question?" I demanded.
She stared at the table. "Yes."
That was all she said.
"Yes, you are going to answer, or yes, you really think that?" I asked impatiently.
More chuckling from Jacob and this time Bella joined him.
"Yes, I really think that," she said without looking up. There was a faint undertone of sadness in her voice. She blushed again, and her teeth moved unconsciously to worry her lip.
Abruptly, I realized that this was very hard for her to admit, because she truly believed it. And I was no better than that coward, Mike, asking for her to confirm her feelings before I'd confirmed my own. It didn't matter that I felt I'd make my side abundantly clear. It hadn't gotten through to her, and so I had no excuse.
"You're so right, man, how could you be so hypocritical?" Jacob stated. "And I thought you were a gentleman."
"You're wrong," I promised. She must hear the tenderness in my voice.
Bella looked up to me, her eyes opaque, giving nothing away. "You can't know that," she whispered.
She thought that I was underestimating her feelings because I couldn't hear her thoughts. But, in truth, the problem was that she was underestimating mine.
"Hmph," Bella said. Yes, she was underestimating his feelings, that was clear to her, but him thinking that he wasn't doing the same thing... he didn't know how much she cared about him. She didn't know how much her book self cared about him, but it had to be more than she did right now reading this book, and she knew that she already cared about him a lot.
"What makes you think so?" I wondered.
She stared back at me, the furrow between her brows, biting her lips. For the millionth time, I wished desperately that I could just hear her.
I was about to beg her to tell me what thought she was struggling with, but she held up a finger to keep me from speaking.
"Let me think," she requested.
As long as she was simply organizing her thoughts, I could be patient.
"I don't believe you," Jacob chuckled.
Or I could pretend to be.
And he laughed smugly at that.
She pressed her hands together, twining and untwining her slender fingers. She was watching her hands as if they belonged to someone else while she spoke.
"Well, aside from the obvious," she murmured. "Sometimes?? I can't be sure??I don't know how to read minds??but sometimes it seems like you're trying to say goodbye when you're saying something else." She didn't look up.
"No way... never does anything like that," Jacob said sarcastically.
She'd caught that, had she? Did she realize that it was only weakness and selfishness that kept me here? Did she think less of me for that?
"Perceptive," I breathed, and then watched in horror as pain twisted her expression. I hurried to contradict her assumption. "That's exactly why you're wrong, though??" I began, and then I paused, remembering the first words of her explanation.
They bothered me, though I wasn't sure I understood exactly. "What do you mean, 'the obvious'?"
"Well, look at me," she said.
"There is nothing wrong with the way you look," Jacob said to her, there was no joking in his voice as he said this.
Bella blushed a little with the sincerity of his voice.
I was looking. All I ever did was look at her. What did she mean?
"I'm absolutely ordinary," she explained. "Well, except for the bad things like all the near death experiences and being so clumsy that I'm almost disabled. And look at you." She fanned the air toward me, like she was making some point so obvious it wasn't worth spelling out.
She thought she was ordinary? She thought that I was somehow preferable to her? In whose estimation? Silly, narrow-minded, blind humans like Jessica or Ms. Cope? How could she not realize that she was the most beautiful??most exquisite??
Bella blushed, but she knew that was too much to say... he was only thinking that because he liked her... still it wasn't so bad that he was thinking that.
"Looks aren't everything, Bells," Jacob said, "and you have both looks and a good heart..."
"Stop, Jake," Bella said, he was starting to make her feel uncomfortable.
Those words weren't even enough.
And she had no idea.
"You don't see yourself very clearly, you know," I told her. "I'll admit you're dead-on about the bad things??" I laughed humorlessly. I did not find the evil fate who haunted her comical. The clumsiness, however, was sort of funny. Endearing.
Bella rolled her eyes; of course he would think that.
Would she believe me if I told her she was beautiful, inside and out? Perhaps she would find corroboration more persuasive. "But you didn't hear what every human male was thinking on your first day."
Bella shivered, she didn't want to hear that either.
Ah, the hope, the thrill, the eagerness of those thoughts. The speed with which they'd turned to impossible fantasies. Impossible, because she wanted none of them.
I was the one she said yes to.
My smile must have been smug.
Her face was blank with surprise. "I don't believe it," she mumbled.
"Trust me just this once??you are the opposite of ordinary."
Her existence alone was excuse enough to justify the creation of the entire world.
She wasn't used to compliments, I could see that. Another thing she would just have to get used to. She flushed, and changed the subject.
"Well, that one is going to be more difficult," Bella mumbled.
"But I'm not saying goodbye."
"Don't you see? That's what proves me right. I care the most, because if I can do it??" Would I ever be unselfish enough to do the right thing? I shook my head in despair. I would have to find the strength. She deserved a life. Not what Alice had seen coming for her. "If leaving is the right thing to do??" And it had to be the right thing, didn't it? There was no reckless angel. Bella didn't belong with me. "Then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe."
"But it wouldn't stop from hurting me," Bella mumbled softly, almost painfully as she thought of that.
As I said the words, I willed them to be true.
She glared at me. Somehow, my words had angered her. "And you don't think I would do the same?" she demanded furiously.
"Would you?" Jacob asked.
Bella looked thoughtful for a moment; she was so lost in Edward's thoughts that it was hard to gather her own. "Yes, if I knew it was better for him... I would have to, wouldn't I?" she said, but she was shaking her head at the same time, she knew it couldn't be better for him if she left so it was ridiculous to even think of that.
So furious??so soft and so fragile. How could she ever hurt anyone? "You'd never have to make the choice," I told her, depressed anew by the wide difference between us.
She stared at me, concern replacing the anger in her eyes and bringing out the little pucker between them.
There was something truly wrong with the order of the universe if someone so good and so breakable did not merit a guardian angel to keep her out of trouble.
"I have a guardian vampire and that's better," Bella said.
"Um... that doesn't sound better to me," Jacob shook his head and Bella just shrugged.
Well, I thought with dark humor, at least she has a guardian vampire.
