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“Can we talk about this some more?” I asked. Maybe we could find some middle ground or at least get all our emotions out. It was a new, difficult position to be in, after having just shared so much.
“No,” Jack said with so much anger I didn’t know what to say. Jack faced me once more and Cal took a moment to pace himself. This was beyond any “normal” situation, but I couldn’t face the truth that I was staring down the single moment I’d been avoiding for a long time.
Choice.
“I can’t choose between you two.”
“Why?” Cal said, his own snap having extra heat behind it. “Why, Lana?” He pressed harder. “Why can’t you just say who you want? Deep down, you must know.”
“She does,” Jack said, and my gaze shot to his. “She’s been comparing us. Listing our qualities.”
The walls felt like they were closing in on me. I glanced at the bed where I’d left the legal pad. All my notes and lists…that’s what Jack had just been looking at. It looked bad. Really, really bad, but I could explain—
“Did you know our little Lana here gets different things from each of us?” Though Jack was talking to Cal, he kept his eyes on me. My heart was going to beat out of my chest.
“What the hell are you talking about?” Cal asked, glancing between the two of us.
“I’m talking about the way you make her feel safe,” Jack said. “And I give you…what was it?” He tilted his head to the side, but I knew there was nothing wrong with his memory. He’d clearly read what I’d written down and was now pulling out every weapon he had to play. “Ah, yes, I give you strength.”
Too bad I didn’t feel str
ong. Not in the least. Every hard look, every word spoken, was another bullet loaded to the chamber.
“Check the notepad,” Jack motioned to the bed and Cal saw it right away. “You were trying to choose,” Jack continued. “Otherwise, you wouldn’t have made a list comparing every single moment we shared with another.”
Another bullet loaded.
Raw hurt and anger were humming off of Jack. And Cal appeared to have been hit with the gravity of Jack’s words.
“You compared us? What we shared?” Cal asked, disbelief in his voice.
Tears sprung to my eyes, and I tried to gain footing on what was happening. It’d made sense at the time. Loving them was pulling me apart, and I was just trying to hold on. To deny the truth that was crashing through me right now.
“I couldn’t choose,” I whispered again. “I didn’t know what to do.”
“Quit fucking with me,” Jack rasped. “Quit fucking with us.” He glanced at Cal, then back at me. “Choose now, or walk away.”
Boom. Shot to the heart.
The tears that teetered along my lower lashes spilled over. They thought I was playing them. The thoughts I’d written down were never meant to be a bad thing. I wanted clarity. But it didn’t matter, because Jack wasn’t entirely wrong. I’d listed everything. Compared. And watching his chest move on a ragged breath, I realized that I’d known the answer the whole time…
“I’m walking away,” I whispered.
Jack’s brows sliced down. Cal’s body shot to stone that put a statue to shame. Both their searing gazes bit through my skin. This had been inevitable. I’d known it. But I’d never prepared myself for actually having to walk away. For leaving them. Or for them letting me leave.
Jack didn’t say a word, he just turned and walked out. My tears fell harder. We were over. Honest to God, totally over.
I took a step toward Cal, but he backed away. Those tears streamed faster. Because I looked down to find my hand reached out to him. He didn’t reach back.
So much anguish showed behind his eyes, but he said nothing, just left the room.
It was cold. So painfully cold that my bones snapped like brittle wire. There was more than enough blame to go around. But the fact remained that whether it was now, or later, the choice between Jack and Cal would never be made. Not by me. Not ever.
All I could do was let the pain in, let it break me up and beat me down until it hurt so bad I was oblivious to the wound. Old wounds that hadn’t healed, may never heal, cut wide open and seared from my chest to my shins.
Through foggy eyes and shaking steps, I made my way to the bedside table and grabbed my cell phone. It was a new year…but the promise of everything was gone.
I dialed Harper and tried to choke back the violent sobs of depression.
