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It was the way Jude looked at my hand and then quickly looked away that confirmed I was making the right decision.
He was afraid of me now.
Clients needed to have absolute trust in the people who watched over them, but I'd lost that with Jude. I’d thrown it away because I'd gone apeshit on Tiny.
"Morning," Jude mumbled as he turned to lock his door.
"Morning," I returned.
Once the door was secured, Jude and I made our way to the elevator. He didn't protest in the least when I went through the process of clearing the areas inside and outside of the elevator as we made our way downstairs. It was further proof that he was in a place that he would be more accepting of someone else in the position. The silence between us was uncomfortably thick. As we left the building, Jude turned to the right so he could head to the park, but I grabbed his arm and said, "Change of plans this morning."
I expected him to put up a fight as I led him to the waiting SUV. Jude liked his routines and wasn’t one to easily deviate from them. But he didn’t resist.
"All right," Jude said as he allowed me to maneuver him to the vehicle.
Once inside, the tension quickly returned. I couldn't keep my eyes off the spot on the bench seat where he'd initiated contact between our fingers after I’d released his hand. The knowledge that he was interested in me, at least physically anyway, had been like putting gas on an already brightly burning flame.
I’d been beyond desperate to drag him onto my lap and claim his mouth. It was just another sign of my own weaknesses when it came to Jude Archer. I couldn't even understand how it’d happened so quickly. I could only write it off as off-the-charts physical chemistry.
As Jude kept his eyes on the window, I took the opportunity to study him and realized that it wasn't just about the insane level of attraction I felt for him. He was beautiful and I wanted him badly but there were other things I wanted too.
I wanted to know what drove him to succeed. I wanted to know what brought him pleasure and joy. I wanted to know why he'd all but sold himself to Clifton Hayes.
The reminder that the man across from me was, in fact, essentially selling his body for profit had me turning my eyes away from him. I wondered if Jude and Hayes had some kind of arrangement where Jude could fuck around with other men. Even if they did, it wasn't something I could get on board with. I abhorred cheaters. And while I got that some people were in open relationships, I had no interest in getting mired down in something like that.
Try again, Nikolai…
I cursed the inner voice that seemed so insistent on reminding me that I was trying to bullshit myself.
The truth was that if I put my hands on Jude, I sure as hell wouldn't be able to let him go. Not until I'd had my fill of him. And there'd be no way in hell I’d share him with Clifton Hayes or any other man. He’d be mine and only mine. And only when we were done exploring each other's bodies and that bonfire of need had finally burned out would I be willing to let him move on.
Despite it being a Saturday morning, traffic was busy as always and it took a while to get to Brooklyn. It wasn't until the SUV came to a stop outside of the dilapidated headquarters for Smithfield Security that Jude seemed to come back from whatever place in his mind he’d disappeared into for the drive.
"Where are we?" he asked nervously.
"My work," I said as I got out of the SUV and waited for him.
"What are we doing here?"
"We’re going to go over a few things that will help you if you ever run into a situation like last night again," I said.
I expected him to argue… to say that he didn't need help or that last night had been an anomaly. But to my surprise, he simply responded, "Okay."
I should've been glad at his acquiescence, but there was something about him that was a little bit off. Almost like he was resigned to whatever happened to him. I didn't know what to make of that. He just seemed so lost.
I reminded myself that his emotional state wasn't any of my business and led him toward the building. "First lesson of self-defense"—I opened the door for him—"is to know why you're defending yourself."
Jude glanced at me in confusion.
"You're defending yourself because you're worth it. Because you have value. No matter who you’re with or what the situation is, you are worth fighting for. You are worth saving."
