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“He was home?” Cam asked.
I nodded. This time, my insides felt frigid as I remembered those moments while I’d searched Walter’s house. I’d heard the water right away, but I hadn’t put two and two together until I’d seen Walter’s wheelchair sitting just outside the hallway that led to the basement.
“I didn’t understand what I was seeing at first,” I admitted. It’d actually felt like I’d stood there for minutes, maybe even hours, as I stared at the still body lying about halfway down the stairs. “I thought he was dead,” I choked out.
“What happened, Ford?” Cam pressed.
“He fell,” I said. “He was trying to get downstairs to turn off the water himself.”
“Is that what he told you?”
I nodded. “I’ve never been more grateful for anything than when he opened his eyes and said my name after I found that he still had a pulse. I put my jacket over him and tried to help him up, but he said he couldn’t move… he thought he’d broken something when he’d fallen. I knew I needed to shut off the water because it was getting closer to reaching him and I didn’t want to move him. I called nine-one-one and started looking for the valve. But I couldn’t find it and it was so cold…”
I started shaking, but not from the cold. “I was so fucking scared, Cam,” I admitted before I could stop myself. Memories from the time I myself had nearly lost my life to the brutal elements of a northern Minnesota winter much like this one hit me hard.
I barely managed to not jump when Cam’s hand dropped to my knee through the blanket. “You did good, Ford. You saved his life.”
“He was down there because of me. In the past, he would have called me about something like that. But I shut him out…”
“Where was his nurse? Why didn’t she call someone for help?”
“He said she had a family emergency in Maryland or something. She left a few days ago. The agency never sent a replacement. Walter figured he could take care of himself until Bernice came back.”
“What did you do when you couldn’t find the valve?”
“He wasn’t lying in the water, but it was getting higher and higher, so I knew I needed to move him. I’d already put my jacket over him because he was in his pajamas, but some of the water from the pipe had sprayed onto him and there was no heat in the house.” I shook my head. “I had to move him, Cam. I had to.”
“I know you did, Ford. You did the right thing.”
“He tried really hard not to cry out when I lifted him, but he couldn’t stop the tears and he was making these sounds in his throat. He… he bit into his lip so hard, he began bleeding.”
I wasn’t aware the car had stopped moving or that Puddles had been placed on the back seat until I felt both of Cam’s big hands on my face, cupping my cheeks. He forced me to look at him. “It’s okay, Ford—”
I shook my head. “I hurt him, Cam. It wouldn’t have happened at all if I hadn’t—”
“You had no idea what was going to happen. And you did the right thing by not ignoring your instincts when you suspected something was wrong at his house. Walter is alive because of you!”
As much as I wanted to believe him, all I could hear was the sound of Walter’s whimpers as he’d tried not to react to the excruciating pain. I shook my head again and felt hot tears start to slide down my face. “I was hurting him,” I croaked. “Every move, every step… I was hurting him so fucking bad. I could hear it, feel it, see it… It was like…”
“Like what?” Cam asked gently.
Like Theo.
I didn’t say the words out loud, of course, but even the thought of Theo and what I’d done to him had more hot tears streaking across my skin. It was a full-on snot-fest as my grief and shame overwhelmed me and I actually leaned into Cam’s touch, hoping it would somehow magically eradicate everything I was feeling inside.
Cam’s fingers trailed across my wet cheekbones, but his gentle touch didn’t soothe me. It just made me feel uglier inside because I didn’t deserve his sympathy. He thought he was comforting me about Walter.
Walter… another innocent I’d hurt because I couldn’t escape the evil inside of me.
The guilt was so powerful that I let out a gut-wrenching sob.
I felt Cam pulling me forward and while I knew I should have resisted, I didn’t.
Not even a little bit.
The blanket crunched as one of Cam’s hands settled on my back. His other hand was cradling the back of my neck. I buried my face against his chest, not caring that I’d get snot and tears all over him.
