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Leaning down further, he presses a kiss to her forehead before standing back up. He avoids my gaze when he turns around and leaves the room. Maisy is already back to sleep when I lay my own kiss across her forehead in the same spot Judge just kissed. I smell his lingering scent and it reminds me of happier times.
With one more look at a sleeping Maisy, I turn and leave the room. She’ll probably sleep for a couple of hours. I want to have dinner ready when she wakes.
Walking out into the living room, I find Judge sitting on the couch with his elbows on his knees and one fist wrapped around the other while his chin rests on both, staring out across the room. I’m not used to seeing Judge perplexed. He’s always been the strong and silent type, assured of everything around him. Exuding power even in the most dire of situations. Maisy’s mumbled word affected him immensely.
“Until you came along and after it ended between us, I never wanted children,” he says in the quiet room, his voice reflective. I stop at the end of the couch. “I wanted the Beckett bloodline to die with me. For generations, our blood has caused so much torment and pain. I wanted that chain broken, forever destroyed.”
I sit on the edge of the couch, keeping a few inches between us. “Judge, you already broke that chain. Your blood isn’t evil. It was the people. What your parents did, what all the adults did to all the children in Sweet Haven, wasn’t something that’s passed down through blood. It’s learned.”
Lifting his head from his fists, he looks at me. The cords in his throat flex. “I know. For the first fourteen years of my life, I had no control over what happened to me. I swore to myself when we left Sweet Haven that I would never let anyone control me again. I like control, Ellie. I need it. Killing off my bloodline gives me that. Knowing that the last link to that horrible place will no longer exist after I’m gone brought me peace.”
Something twists in my stomach. I understand Judge’s meaning. I get that he wants all connections to a place that caused him unbearable pain severed. But that means….
“You regret Maisy?” I ask, choking on the words. “You wish she was never born? Even after getting—”
His hand slices through the air, silencing me. I almost shrink back at the savage look on his face.
“No,” he growls. “For fuck’s sake, Ellie. Not for one fuckin’ second do I regret her.” He jumps up from the couch and angrily swipes his hand through his hair, then grips the back of his neck before spinning to face me. “The only thing I regret is not being there for every second of her life.”
My back stiffens as I hold his incensed stare with one of my own. “From what you’re saying, it sounds like you do.”
He blows out a harsh breath and mutters a curse. “From the moment I saw her and knew she was mine, I wanted her. When you and I met all those years ago, for the first time in my life, I could see myself being a father and husband. I didn’t want to see it because I knew things could never last between us, but those visions wouldn’t leave me. They dug in deep to the bone. When I ended things, I had to force those mental images away and it damn near killed me, but I did it because it was the right thing to do. Meeting Maisy, getting to know her, and hearing her call me daddy tonight…. I never thought I’d have that, and I don’t know what to do with it.”
I get up from the couch and go to him. He watches me with intense green eyes. The same eyes Maisy has. I don’t stop until I’m right in front of him. “What do you want to do with it?” I keep my voice low.
“Grab onto it and never let it go,” he answers with a gravelly tone.
It’s a gamble, one that could backfire, but seeing the desperation on his face has me saying the words anyway. “Then don’t. Don’t ever let it go. Keep her. Savor and cherish her.”
He closes the remaining space between us. I’m forced to tip my head back to look at him. “You know what it means if I do that, don’t you?”
I swallow and inhale a shaky breath. If he keeps her, then he’s keeping me, because he knows Maisy and I come hand in hand. Where one goes, the other follows. From the look in his eyes, it’s more than that though.
“What?” I ask softly.
His minty breath fans across my face when he answers. “I keep you too. And not just as her mother.” Lifting his hand, he tangles it in the hair at my nape. Tightening his fingers, he pulls the strands until my head is tilted back even more. “You and I both know we could never just be civil parents. We have too much history. There’s too much left unresolved between us.”
My breath hitches and liquid heat pools between my thighs. I plant my hands against his chest to push him back, but instead, my nails dig into the firm muscles.
What he’s saying isn’t something I’m sure I can do again. He nearly broke me the last time we were together. I don’t know if I could survive a second time. But he’s also right. Only being friends with Judge would hurt almost as much. Seeing him with other women would destroy me. Even the thought of it leaves a lump in my throat. I know he’s been with other women. Knowing that, I can tolerate, but seeing it firsthand would slice my heart to ribbons and leave me bleeding.
I close my eyes and try to turn my head away, but he tightens his grip in my hair. I can sense him dipping his head closer. I barely suppress a moan when his lips graze across my neck, just below my scars. A shiver races up my spine, and tingles sprout on my scalp.
“Judge, I’m not sure this is a good idea.” I can barely form the words with the delicious pleasure spiraling through me.
“Shh…,” he whispers and nips my earlobe. “Just feel for a minute.”
I open my eyes and stare up at the ceiling. I feel like I’m going to crawl out of my skin. What he’s making my body feel, I haven’t felt in years. I never thought I would feel it again. It’s both scary and liberating. I thought maybe I was broken. That he broke that part of me when he callously ended things. But that’s not it. It’s him. He’s the only one who can make me feel like I’m floating on air. Send electric tingles through every fiber of my body. Make my stomach dip and clench with desire and my mind incoherent of anything else around me.
I’ve tried dating, but it’s never gone anywhere. There’re never any sparks, and that’s what I want. I don’t want to settle. I want it to be special and one of a kind.
I moan and shudder when his lips leave my throat and work their way to my shoulder. He nudges the strap of my tank top to the side with a bristly chin and kisses across the sensitive skin.
“You taste just like I remember. I never forgot, Ellie,” he groans and sucks a piece of skin into his mouth.
Mindlessly, I roam my hands over his shoulders and grip the back of his shirt. An arm wraps around my waist and I’m tugged until my breasts smash against his hard chest. His cock presses into my lower stomach, and I remember how it used to feel when he would slip inside me: full and complete. I always felt whole when we were together. I was his and he was mine. Like we were both specifically made for the other.
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