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I had to leave the apartment. I couldn’t be here when he arrived. I dressed quickly, grabbed my bag and left through the rear of the building, taking the back alley, intending to walk to my one place of refuge when I'd been a student. The library at Columbia.
I walked down the street, wanting the air to try to calm myself. If he did come by my apartment and Dawn was there or had someone watching me, at least I wouldn't be there. I could write it off as Drake being unreasonable.
I texted him once more.
I'm not at my apartment any longer so don't come by. Don't risk it. We'll talk later. I just need to be alone for a while.
He wouldn't give in.
Being alone is the last thing you need, Kate. Meet me at 8th this morning. My surgical slate is empty the rest of the week because of the holidays.
I was just about to reconsider when Dawn texted me again.
I called my friend at St. Luke's. I know everything. The ER doc you met with thought you had been abused, Kate. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I'm calling your father.
Oh, God…
I texted her back right away, my hands shaking. I had to stop this. I had to end this now.
Besides the fact that you and whoever gave you access to my personal records could get in big trouble, you should know that I'm ending it with Drake. I realized that I can never be anything to him besides a kinky sex partner. He's not into having a real relationship with a woman – no girlfriend, no dating, no romance, no marriage. I realize this now. That's why I was coming home so late, Dawn. He can't give me what I need. He's not what you think – he's a good man. He never hurt me ever. What happened was an accident when he was showing me how to Jitterbug. But he can't love me and I know that now. It's not enough for me.
So please, don't make this worse for me than it already is.
She phoned. I answered.
"Kate, what happened? Come and stay with me. I don't want you to be alone now."
"I can't," I said, in tears. "I'm as mad at you as I am sad about him. You shouldn’t be interfering, Dawn. I know your heart is in the right place, but this is my life and my decision."
"I'm your best friend."
"You were. Best friends don't threaten. Now, please, please just let things die naturally. It's going to be hard enough for me without you threatening me."
I ended the call.
Drake had to know. I had to text him in case she didn't hold off.
Drake, this person knows that I was with you last night and thinks you've abused me. This person may tell my father no matter what I do. I just want to warn you. I told her we broke up. We have to just say goodbye for real, Drake. I can't take this any longer – this compartmentalization of my life. This pretending that we're not seeing each other, worrying that someone will find out and hurt you. I don't do compartmentalization, Drake. My life is a stew. I don't know anything different. I've tried it your way, but being just one part of your life isn't enough. The truth is that I could love you if I let myself. I can't do that because you don't do love. Lara told me that before we met and you made that abundantly clear to me.
You'll have no trouble finding another sub who wants to be a compartment in your life but that's not me. I'd only always want more and we'd have to end it, eventually. The longer we wait, the harder it will be. That night, you said that someone would love me one day, and the truth is, despite how amazing the sex is with you, I realize I'd rather wait to find him than accept anything less. If you thought you could stop me from falling in love with you, you failed miserably. I can't accept what you can give. I deserve more.
Goodbye, Drake. I'm sorry, but this is the way it has to be for both our sake's.
I read it over and hesitated. I could see no other way out of this. There was no way Dawn would accept that we'd broken up without proof – not after the injury. She wouldn't believe me no matter what and I feared that she was going to hurt Drake for real.
I sent the text, my heart heavy, tears blurring my eyes. I walked for blocks, wiping my face with my gloved hands, unable to imagine not seeing Drake again.
Then, my phone dinged. Drake responded.
You do deserve more.
That was it. He didn't say I deserved more from him. He didn't say he could give me more. Just that simple statement, as if he recognized it, too. Finally, I sat on a bench that faced the park and cried.
My phone dinged, indicating an incoming text and it was my father.
Katie, come by and stay with me and Elaine for a while. You shouldn't be alone on Christmas Eve. Dawn just called and said she was worried about you and that I shouldn't allow you to stay by yourself. Let me send a car to pick you up. Come and stay with me until this thing with Drake blows over.
I knew it was no use trying to go to the library when I was like this. My eyes were red and swollen from crying and in truth, I didn't feel at all like going there.
