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But this is the way it has to go. I can’t give in to my desires again. If I do, I’ll never be able to stop. As much as I want him, he’s like an addictive drug. I want him inside me, even if he’s poisoning me, poisoning my moral code. I can barely even look at him without wanting to give in to my feelings for him. But it’s time to go. It’s time to make the right call.
“I have to go,” I whisper. Ethan growls in response, like a wounded animal. I want to stroke his cheek, to tell him I’m sorry. I want to change my mind, to say fuck it and get what I want for once. But this is where it has to end.
“You’re still here for two days, right?” Ethan asks, not looking at me. “I’ll wait for you. I’ll still take you home to your dad. It’s the least I can do for getting us into this.”
“Ethan, maybe I should just take the flight I booked. It’ll be too hard, being alone together on such a long flight.”
“I’ll let you decide. I’ll wait either way,” he says firmly. His eyes on mine. “I’ll wait for you forever if that’s what it takes.”
My throat closes up. I can’t believe how passionately he feels about this. I’ve never had anyone care about me like this before. He’s willing to burn his world to the ground for me. I stand before him, trembling, planted to the spot. I watch as he gets out of the bed, his naked form looking like that of a Greek statue. I’m breathless as he approaches me.
“I’ll never stop wanting you,” he says, his lips hovering over mine. I can see the rise and fall of his chest as he tries to control himself. He grips my waist and pulls me in for one last passionate kiss. A kiss that has me feeling like I’m floating on a cloud. A kiss that makes me forget for a moment that I’m meant to be leaving all of this behind. By the time he pulls away from me, there are tears pouring down my cheeks.
“Something to remember me by,” he says. “I’ll be waiting for you, August. For as long as it takes.”
I somehow find the strength to walk away. My emotions are all over the place and I can’t control them anymore. I’m overcome by grief, lust, love, and anger. As I head out into the street, leaving Ethan’s apartment behind, I can’t tell if I’ve made a mistake or not.
I somehow make it back to my apartment without falling apart. There, I fall into bed and let my emotions get the better of me. This isn’t how my love story is supposed to go. This isn’t how I imagined it would be. I want Ethan more than anything in the world, but I guess me being happy is way too much to ask for.
I feel breathless as I cry. Breathless in an entirely different way to how I was this morning when I woke up. Breathless where it feels like the world is ending and I’ll never have time to catch my breath again. There’s a hollow place in my chest that I dug out myself the moment I left him behind.
I’m supposed to be leaving this place behind, all my dreams with it. Ethan talked about me moving here, working for him, living out the fantasy we’ve constructed together over the last twenty-four hours. But now, I know I have to pack. I know I can never return here. I’ll learn to accept my misery in time. I’ll learn how to deal with the pain of being alone. This wasn’t meant to be.
Ethan will never be mine.
I’m too depressed to even cry anymore. I lie on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. I have to pack. I have to put all of these memories away and box them off. I’ve made a sacrifice and I have to stand my ground, make sure I don't go running back to him, as much as I would like to. I thought the hard part was over when I walked away, but I was wrong. I’m going to have to spend the rest of my days choosing to be good. Choosing to be apart from him.
Because the thing is, I know he’ll wait for me forever. Somehow, in my heart, I know he’ll never give up on me, the way I’ll never give up on him. So for as long as we walk this earth, I have to keep choosing to be apart from him. Even if he comes to my door and begs me to come back to him, I’ll have to stand my ground. Even if he tells the whole world his feelings for me, I’ll still have to make the right choice. For me, the battle is only just beginning.
