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Biting my lower lip, I nodded at him. The thrill of this meeting with Jayden in the concession stands had died a sudden and tragic death. We stood there awkwardly for a few seconds, neither one of us seeming to want to look each other in the eyes. Then Jayden leaned over to kiss me on the cheek and walked backwards out the doorway, finally looking at me again.
“I’ll see you tomorrow?” he asked.
It almost hurt to see the renewed hope in his eyes. Like I hadn’t just cut his heart out with a dagger by refusing to answer his prom question.
“Sure.” I swallowed hard. “Tomorrow.”
As I watched him leave, I knew I couldn’t bear to see him tomorrow. Not with this terrible conflict going on inside of me. If I let myself have him, it would destroy my sister’s already fragile hope for the future. It would ruin the work I’d done to keep stress out of my parents’ lives and everything I’d done to protect my mom.
And if I let him go, it would destroy me.
There was no easy answer here.
Chapter Nineteen
It seemed right that during all of Tuesday, dark ominous clouds gathered above Rock Valley and stormed on us. I was feeling like a rainstorm myself. In fact, it was so bad that I’d asked Mom to let me stay home from school today because of a headache.
She’d been dashing out the door to join Dad at the diner for the morning rush, so she didn’t have time to give me the third degree. There were bags under her eyes and her skin was paler than usual. It made me wish she’d slow down. Play hooky with me for once. But Mom didn’t like pulling back when there was a job to be done. With a quick touch of my forehead to assess my temperature, she’d kissed me on the cheek and told me to call if I needed anything.
Charlotte had bounced happily through the door behind Mom, telling me that she was going to find Jayden the moment she got to school to ask if he’d liked her cookies. She’d been hopeful. She’d been happy. A lot happier than I’d seen her in weeks.
After they left, I’d gone directly back to my bed, curled up under the covers, and slept for another three hours. One glance at my phone when I woke up was all I needed to sink me even deeper into this abyss of misery. Five texts from Jayden. Three from my best friends. One from Mom, checking in. I texted Mom and my friends back, but avoided even looking at Jayden’s messages. I just couldn’t think about him right now.
After that, it was sappy chick flicks that made me cry. My diet consisted of stale animal crackers and mint chip ice cream from the deep freeze. When I finally got around to looking at myself in the bathroom mirror, with my messy top bun and pale, splotchy face, I knew for sure that I was the most pathetic person to have ever lived.
“You faked sick to avoid seeing the boy you like,” I grumbled, grabbing my toothbrush. The ice cream and cookies had left a gross taste in my mouth. “You can’t even get up the nerve to tell him why. You’re the worst, Amanda Hale. The worst.”
Saying my full name aloud had been a mistake. Immediately, my eyes teared up and I thought about all the times Jayden had tortured me with it. I wanted so badly to text him, to tell him what was going on, but I’d purposely left my phone on silent in my room to avoid the temptation.
I knew he’d only try to think of ways to fix it. But this wasn’t fixable. There was no way out of this that didn’t involve someone getting hurt.
So, I’d chosen to avoid it altogether.
Glancing at the clock on the wall, my stomach tilted when I realized that school was over and baseball practice had begun. I was sure that Coach Morgan wasn’t very happy about my absence, especially after those nice things he’d said to me yesterday. He was another victim on the Mandy Hale expressway to misery. I just couldn’t seem to do anything right anymore.
A knock on the door startled me momentarily out of my self-loathing. I froze in the hallway, immediately regretting the choice not to change out of my Wonder Woman pajama pants and tank top. It was probably the neighbor kid selling candy bars to support his middle school band trip again.
I relaxed at the thought, suddenly cheered by the idea of a Reeses cup. Chocolate and peanut butter combined together were exactly what I needed right now. Digging a couple bucks out of the entryway cupboard that housed every random household item that didn’t have a home, I answered the door with a gleeful smile.
“I hope you have chocolate—”
Every muscle in my body tensed at the sight of Jayden standing on my porch. He must’ve run here in the rain, because he was dripping wet. Everything from his black tennis shoes, his jeans, to his black long-sleeved tee was soaked. Water ran down the bill of his baseball cap as he grinned at me and held out a Snickers candy bar.
“Actually, I came prepared for once,” he said, his gaze taking in my face.
When I could finally breathe again, I stepped out and joined him on the front porch, shutting the door behind me. It didn’t seem right to invite him inside where I’d been moping for the past few days. I needed fresh air and a new setting to face him. Thunder rumbled in the distance, the smell of rain filling my nose.
“What are you doing here? Don’t you have practice?”
“Coach cancelled because of the rain and dismissed all the guys to do weight training.” His brow furrowed and he scanned me over. “I wanted to make sure you’re okay. Audrey and Trina said you texted them that you were sick.”
That headache I’d pretended to have this morning came roaring up for real at the sincere and worried look on Jayden’s face. Why did he have to be so perfect and considerate? And why couldn’t I just stop my heart from wanting him?
“I’m fine,” I said, shooting him a tight-lipped smile. “You didn’t have to stop by.”
“I wanted to.” He frowned and leaned down slightly toward me. “Are you sure you’re okay? I feel like something’s bothering you.”
I stiffened and turned to grab the porch rail to avoid him looking me in the face. Usually, I had a pretty good poker face, but right now I couldn’t seem to keep my emotions boxed. “No. I’m fine.”
