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Chapter Twenty-Four
Kiara
It’s been three days since Aiden died.
Three days since I’ve slept.
Three days since I’ve been able to focus on anyone other than Tilly.
I’m determined to make this as easy as possible for her. Ellie is always around, but she respects my need to deal with this in my own way. Same with Max. I know he’s there for me, but I’m glad he’s given me the space I’ve needed to work through this.
I’ve spoken to Mom, who insisted they were coming back, but I convinced them to continue their trip. Having them here isn’t going to change anything. I’ve gotten through most of this without them, I’m sure I can handle his funeral.
And besides, I always have Ellie.
Today we say goodbye. It’s Wednesday, the morning of his funeral, and I’m in Tilly’s bedroom, helping her into a pretty little pink dress she chose herself. I didn’t want her to be wearing black. She’s mourned enough. We all have. She picked this dress herself because she wanted to look pretty for Daddy.
“Will there be cake?” she asks, picking up her doll as I brush her hair back into a pretty bun. I can’t help but smile at her innocence. Aiden would’ve loved that comment.
“How about I buy you a special cake, just for the two of us?”
She nods her head decisively. “Okay. But it’s gotta have pink icing.”
We arrive at the church half an hour before the service is due to start. Even this early, people are gathered outside and around the neighboring gardens. I expected a big turnout, but even this many people is surprising. I stand to the side, not sure what my role is supposed to be. Heather organized this whole thing. My input was needed for nothing, so I’m not sure what it would be needed for now.
“Are you okay?” Ellie asks, stroking my arm.
I nod, but the truth is I’m not. I’m overwhelmed and I don’t know how I’m going to cope with this. The last thing I want is everyone’s sympathy. I don’t want to be the poor woman left behind, because that’s not who I am anymore. I stopped being that woman a long time ago. But if I’m no longer that woman, then who am I?
Grant keeps Tilly occupied as Ellie and I move through the small crowd and into the church. I spot Heather up front and relief rushes through me. The irony of what I’m feeling isn’t lost on me, but she’s one of the few people I actually recognize. She waves me over. Ellie shoots me a concerned look, but I smile to assure her I’m okay.
“Kiara, this is Reverend Sutherland. He’ll be conducting the service,” Heather says, nodding to the priest who stands next to her.
I smile at him. He has friendly eyes that hide behind his thin, wired-framed glasses, and a mop of near-white hair. Aiden wasn’t religious, so seeing a priest surprises me.
“Lovely to meet you, Kiara. I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“Thank you,” I reply, my body numb.
They resume their conversation and I just stand there, taking everything in. It all feels so final, and I guess for the first time, it is. The crisp white roses lay over the top of the coffin, and scattered photos of Aiden are arranged around them, taunting me. I wander over, examining his smiling face. All the photos are of him alone, or of him with his parents. Looking at them, you wouldn’t know he was engaged, with a daughter.
My heart breaks. I feel like an intruder. None of this reflects the Aiden I knew. This isn’t the send off he would have wanted. And cremation? We didn’t speak of death often, but I know he didn’t want that.
I walk back over to the front row and sit down, my legs in danger of buckling under me. Grant brings Tilly over and she sits next to me. I reach for her hand and hold it tightly, wrapping my arm around her.
The church fills quickly as the service begins. I turn around and see all the rows full and people swarming out the door. Grant and Max stand near the exit, both dressed in dark charcoal suits.
Max.
Why is he even here? I can’t hide my irritability. He didn’t know Aiden at all. Having him here makes me feel like a fraud—or more of a fraud than I already feel. Every time someone looks at me with pity in their eyes, I wonder, would they still feel sorry for me if they knew the guy I was sleeping with is here as I bury my fiancé?
I stare at the coffin in front of me as tears begin to roll down my cheeks. I’ve been a mess for days. I go from feeling like I’m on top of things to completely falling apart in the space of seconds. I go from believing I can move on and be with Max to not wanting to ever love again. What’s the point if I’m only going to end up hurt again? That’s all love is, a path to getting hurt. Just like living is a path to dying.
“You okay?” Ellie murmurs, leaning in close to me. I nod in response. Her arm snakes around my waist and she holds me tight. “Don’t hold it in, Kee. Let whatever you’re feeling out.”
The problem is that I don’t know what I’m feeling, and it terrifies me. I’m torn between punishing myself with the past and letting myself move on.
The funeral drags on, as a full church service is performed. Aiden would’ve wanted something short and sweet. He wouldn’t have wanted people sitting around, mourning him. A few people get up to speak, some I recognize, some I don’t. The priest looks toward me expectantly and I shake my head. I said everything I wanted to say to Aiden just before he died. What could I possibly have to say to a room full of people I don’t even know?
