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This was supposed to be a seasonal retreat. I thought it would spiritually align me with better forces. But I’m always in the wrong place, wrong time.
I take another step back, and I can see that Rowan looks betrayed. “Stop looking away from me,” he says with burning passion.
“What? Are you going to hit me?” I ask him. “Then, do it.”
All the rage inside him leaves him almost instantly. “Hit you? What the hell are you talking about? I would never hit you, Caroline,” he says, calmly taking a step back as well.
At this point, we’re probably five feet away from each other. The distance is apparent.
Just like that, I’ve gone too far.
“This is beyond fucked up,” he says, turning around. “I don’t hit women, and I don’t want to deal with your allegations. I’m going back inside. There’s bigger fish to fry right now. Goodnight, Caroline. I hope you can find your way back home, back to your little safety net.”
“It’s not a fucking safety net—” I say, but the door slams shut, and I’m stuck, dealing with my own emotions outside.
I pick up a rock and throw it as hard as I can, further into the yard. It hits the dirt. For a moment, the crickets stop chirping.
Rowan dug thro
ugh me like a psychoanalyst would. He knew what I wanted before I did.
I want to go home. We all do. Only, I want something different than what these guys want.
I know I said I was his girl, but how can I be when he’s a full-blown gang member.
Tonight, I’ve got a lot of things to think about.
I need to find a way back home.
23
Rowan
I don’t know what to think anymore. I can’t trust her.
When I think about Caroline, I feel sick to my stomach. How can she even accuse me of being violent toward another woman?
Never in my life would I lay a hand on someone like her. I may be a criminal, but I’m not pure evil. I’m not a psychopath. I’m just a man who had a hard upbringing, a man that’s trying to make his way in the world.
That’s all I’ve ever been.
I thought she was my girl. I thought she was in this with me, together. Instead, she’s just some frigid woman who got mixed up in some bad shit.
I don’t know what to do about her. Maybe we should have kept her locked up all along.
Maybe it’s time I leave here, on my own. I keep wondering if I am getting everyone mixed up in my shit for no reason. Should I just get it all over with and sacrifice myself before another innocent person dies?
When I’m back inside, I sit next to Jeffco and Iago. I take another sip of beer and slam the glass on the table.
All eyes on me.
“Jesus, man,” Jeffco says. “What is going on with you? You’ve been acting weird all day.”
“Who fucking knows,” I mutter under my breath. “I don’t know what I’m even doing anymore.”
“Women problems getting you down?” Iago asks me. I hate his smile right now. I want to knock him in the face for making a joke out of all of this.
“Seriously, what are we even doing?” I ask them.
