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On my way.
Short and sweet. That was my stepbrother's M.O.
The town of Yora, California wasn't very large, and the drive from the bar to my place wouldn't take very long. The child hadn't even been awake for the most part, not after I'd fed her with the formula Shawna had left for her. She'd fallen right to sleep.
Still, anxiety had riddled my body and mind. I was so afraid of screwing things up, of stepping away and have something happen to her. I didn't have experience as a mother, never babysat as a child. If Aubree were sick, sure, I'd know what to do
. I could give her CPR, the Heimlich, tend to her wounds if she got injured. But, because I was a nurse, I also knew all the things that could go wrong – and every single sick or hurt child that had come into my ER had killed a little piece of me over the years. Especially, the ones I couldn't save.
I couldn't let that happen to Aubree.
There was a soft knock on the front door, and I had to leave the baby for a moment. I stupidly hadn't been thinking and had locked the door behind me when we came in. Because, of course I had. Thankfully, I could see into the bedroom from the front door, when I slipped out to open the door. Eli stood there, leaning against the door frame, a look of pure terror on his face.
“Come in,” I said, stepping back to let him inside. I whispered, “She's in the bedroom. Dad is bringing over a baby bed for her soon.”
Eli sighed, his entire body heaving with that one gesture, as he ran a hand through his scraggly, dark brown hair. His chocolate brown eyes were filled with anxiety and fear, and in that moment, I wanted to hug him. To discover you're a father, completely out of left field like that – it couldn't have been easy.
Yet, I didn't embrace him. I knew better than that. He cracked his knuckles and paced the living room. I'd only been back in town a short while, and I hadn't yet realized how grown-up my stepbrother looked now. His face had a light dusting of stubble, his body was thick and full, obviously he worked out. Wearing some dark jeans and a fitted t-shirt, it was hard not to see how filled out he'd become.
He turned and caught me staring, and I averted my eyes, looking down at the floor instead of at his ass. I could have been wrong, but I swear the twinge of a smile crept over his face. Just like that, however, it was gone again.
Aubree let out a soft cry, and I rushed out of the room, scooping the little girl up in my arms, whispering softly to her.
“It's okay, sweetie,” I cooed. “It's going to be okay.”
I rocked her in my arms, and saw Eli standing in the doorway, his face softer as he watched us – though the look of abject terror in his eyes remained.
“She's beautiful, Eli,” I said, holding his daughter so he could really see her. “She looks just like you.”
His jaw tightened, as did the rest of his chiseled face, but then he looked down upon the baby and something shifted in his eyes. I could have sworn it was love at first sight. The look in his eyes told me he loved that little girl – it would just take time for him to fully comprehend it.
“I don't know the first thing about being a father, Hannah –” he said softly.
“Do you think anyone knows how to be a parent? Not right away, but they learn,” I said.
I motioned for him to take his daughter into his arms. He hesitated, shaking his head, but then relented. The baby stared up at him with brown eyes that looked very similar in color to his own. Aubree looked at her father with wide eyes full of curiosity.
“See?” I asked. “You're a natural.”
“I'm not a natural,” he grumbled. “I need to find Shawn. She needs to –”
“Do you really want your daughter to be raised by an addict?” I said. “After what you experienced as a kid, Eli?”
He flinched as if I'd hit him, and I knew the words were harsh. Sometimes, you had to be harsh to get through to him though. In this case, I knew I was right – and he knew I was right. Not that he'd ever actually admit to it.
He didn't say anything though. He just looked down at Aubree with so many emotions swirling in his eyes. Anxiety. Fear. Then a hint of a smile. Followed by more fear.
“Hannah, I can't do this alone,” he said. “Shawna is her mother. She needs her mother –”
“You're not going to do this alone,” I said. “You have me. And while he might not be much help, you have my dad too. He raised me, didn't he?”
Eli started to argue, “Actually, you lived with –”
“Hush,” I said, stepping up in front of him. I might be almost a foot shorter than my stepbrother, but I didn't let my lack of size stop me from standing my ground. “You know what I meant. Just that, you're not alone. You've got your family.”
I knew that look on his face, the one that said he didn't have a family. He didn't have to say it because he'd already said it many times before. I reached out and touched his arm, stroking it gently.
“You do have family, Eli,” I said gently. “Whether you realize it or not. I might not have grown up alongside you, but I'm here for you all the same. I hope you know that”
