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“Bullshit. I put a mark on you, Remi. That’s not acceptable. Not ever. I don’t care if I am living through hell. That can’t happen.”
She narrows her eyes. “Tell me about the nightmare.”
“No.” My voice is flat. “I don’t remember it.”
“Now I call bullshit.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Oh, it matters. I can see all over your face that it matters. You’re white as a ghost, and if you grasp that blanket any tighter, you’ll rip it.” She rubs her hand up and down my thigh. “It’s okay.”
I close my eyes. I wish this part of me didn’t exist. That my dad had left her years before, and that the only memories I have are of this ranch.
But it’s here. And if I want to have any kind of future with this amazing woman, I need to tell her so she can decide for herself if my baggage is something she wants to deal with.
“Kensie, my biological mother, was pretty awful. You already know that.”
She nods but doesn’t say anything.
“She liked it when I was hungry. When I begged for food. For anything, really. Because it made her feel in control, and she enjoyed withholding stuff from me.”
Remi blinks, and I see the rage in her eyes, but she stays quiet.
“So, in the dream, I was a kid. Around the age I was when I came here. Maybe a little younger. And it started in the kitchen of the big house, the way it was when I was little, and Jillian offered to make me a sandwich. I remember thinking that the best thing my dad ever did was marry her.” My eyes meet Remi’s. “And I was right. Anyway, I turned away, and then I was in Texas with Kensie, and she was taunting me with food. Saying mean things, the way she used to. And that’s all.”
Remi tilts her head to the side. “I don’t think that’s all. Just tell me, Seth. I can handle it.”
I chew my lip and then let the words tumble out of my mouth.
“She liked to let her men have a go at me.”
Remi gasps, but I keep talking.
“They’d pay her more if they could touch me. Sometimes, that’s all it was, some touching. Other times, it was rape.”
“Oh, babe.”
Remi climbs into my lap and wraps her arms around my shoulders, then buries her face in my neck.
“Before I was eleven, I’d seen more than any kid ever should. I’d seen drugs and way, way too much sex. Mostly, she just forgot about me, you know? Forgot to feed me, forgot that I was in the room when she let a guy go at her. But when the dude took an interest in me, she didn’t say no. Ever.”
“I’m so sorry.” Remi presses a kiss to my cheek. “Seth, did your dad want to kill her when he found out?”
“I’ve never told him. I’ve never told anyone.”
She pulls back and stares at me in surprise. “What? Why?”
“Because it was over.” I shrug. “Because I was here and safe, and she was gone. I confided in Cara a little that first year, and she was very understanding. She was my safe person for a while, you know?”
“Yeah. I know.”
“I felt guilty. I thought that if they knew the whole truth, they might be disgusted and make me leave. And leaving, being cast away from here, was my worst nightmare. I’d do anything to not have to go back with Kensie. So I kept it to myself, and as time passed, and I knew that I didn’t have to go hungry—for food or love—I relaxed. The nightmares were bad at first, but they lessened with time. I couldn’t tell you the last time I had one.”
“Why do you think you had one tonight?”
I blow out a breath. “I recently found out that Kensie’s dead. She died a long time ago, but I hadn’t heard. It’s caused some conversations with my dad, with my siblings, and I guess it’s probably been swimming around in my head a bit. It’s not like I’m sad that she’s dead.”
“Why would you be?” Remi’s voice is fierce. “I want to wrap my hands around her throat myself and make her pay.”
“She paid,” I reply and kiss her forehead, then her lips. “She definitely paid for it. Like I said, I don’t dream about her or what happened before. At least not often. But it could happen once in a while. And, damn it, I won’t have you hurt because of it.”
“Seriously, Seth, it startled me more than it hurt me. I hated hearing you cry out. You sounded scared and wounded, and I just wanted you to wake up. I’ll be more careful if it happens again.”
“You don’t want to head for the hills?”
She stares up at me. “Why would I? Because you were abused? Raped? Hurt? That would make me an asshole, Seth. I just want you to be okay.”
