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That is easily going to be the decision I regret for the rest of my life.
It’s also disturbing that Ian didn’t want to go ahead and fix things because we’re supposed to be on a new normal, right? So why wouldn’t we jump over a hurdle partly dealing with the past as soon as we can? What if he changes his mind and decides he can’t get over it? What if I’m not forgiven? Did he ever actually say I was? He only said that he could forgive me.
Damn it, I need us to get to our happy place. We’re past due and I need the security of knowing we actually have one. I don’t want a bump in the road so soon. Why can’t I be reassured that there is a happy place first? I shake my head at myself. Things were good. One little mishap can’t send me into a panic.
I’m quiet when I finally make it home around five thirty in the morning. Ian seems to be asleep in our bed. I quickly change and crawl into bed. It’s going to be one lazy Sunday because I already want to sleep the day away and there’s no way Savannah will let me.
Mmm. His bed is so comfortable. I’ll be asleep in no time.
I am dozing off when I’m startled by Ian’s arm coming around my waist.
He tugs me against him. “Make me feel better, gorgeous.”
I roll over to face him and say what I’ve been wanting to say all night. “She calls you Daddy because you are her daddy, and that’s why she was told that’s essentially your name. If it wasn’t because I told her to, she wouldn’t call me Mommy. She’s not old enough to know why she calls us that. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself to know everything about her already. It’ll take time. Time you have. Yes, Logan was there and he helped me, but so did Carey. So did my mom and Chris. Lots of people helped me. It’s second nature for them to still do it. But I can also see how that can get in the way of you getting to know her and learning your way around being a parent, so I can handle that. That’s what I would’ve told you earlier.”
“Sorry for not giving you a chance to say it.”
“Can I sleep now?”
“Yeah. Sleep all you want. I’ll take Savannah to Logan’s in the morning and you can head over there once you’ve woken up.” He kisses me softly and then my body gives in to the exhaustion. Things aren’t completely better, but we’re one step closer to our happy place.
“Where’s Savannah?”
“With Carey. You’re all mine tonight,” I say as I pull her onto my lap. It’s been a couple of days and it’s way past time that I get some time with Sydney without anyone else around. My phone starts ringing before I can enjoy the fact that she’s sitting with me.
“Is it important?” she asks, her arms winding around my neck.
“My dad.” This is the first time he’s tried calling me since I hung up on him last month. I still need to call my mom and tell her. “So, no.” I toss it to the other end of the couch. “Did you want to go out?”
“Can we stay here tonight?”
“Yeah.”
So far, having Sydney live with me feels more like I’m living with her. It didn’t take long at all for her to take over and run the household. I don’t mind it at all, though. I like it a hell of a fucking lot. She also has started leaving me alone with Savannah. When I asked her about it, she said it was so I could spend time with her and get to know her without anyone else around to distract Savannah.
“Are you cooking or am I?” she asks.
“Or, I can pick something up.”
“Chinese,” she immediately says.
“Call it in.”
A little while later, we’re sitting on the couch, eating and watching some TV show she likes. I decide that this is the perfect time for us to talk.
“So, how did you pick Savannah’s name?” Yeah, I’m still thinking about this.
“Well, I searched for a long, long time for names, but none of them seemed to stick with me. I tested them out by using them instead of baby when I talked to her, and there was just something about Savannah. I kept coming back to it.” She shrugs. “That’s how I picked it. I can’t imagine any of the other names working now that I’ve seen her and know her personality.”
“Sounds like you
did good then. Tell me something I don’t know about you.”
She sighs, probably thinking back on how she thinks I already know everything about her. “Why don’t you go first?”
“Okay. The one thing I regret with you is that we weren’t talking, so I couldn’t invite you to come with me to the draft or to that first game.”
“I would’ve liked to be there for that,” she agrees. Sydney seems to be mulling over something, so I stay quiet while she does. “Can I ask you something?” she eventually asks.
