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“We can go this weekend to pack,” I tell her, causing Mom to offer to keep Sawyer for me. My heart says he should go with me, while my mind says it may be easier to pack without him walking and crawling around. I still have a few days before I decide on whether or not I’ll bring him with
me.
“You could bring him,” Idaline says, reading the anxiety on my face. “My grandpa could come over and keep an eye on him.”
I laugh. “Grandpa McAllister? He doesn’t like me, remember?”
Idaline’s smile soothes my soul. “He’ll like Sawyer, though.”
Now that, I don’t doubt. Being here, home with my son, Idaline, and my family, I begin to relax. Thoughts about relapsing and drowning myself with a bottle of tequila move to the back of my mind. The volume gets turned way down to a manageable whisper instead of a shout. This is what I need to remind myself of whenever Lila is near. My son, Idaline, and my family are way more important than whatever she’s up to or the drink I may want to take. She will not drag me down into the darkness again.
In the end, Mrs. Hart convinces FC to leave Sawyer behind. It takes a lot of persuading from his family; I stay out of it. FC goes back and forth on whether to bring him or not. And even as we’re leaving, I can see the uncertainty on his face. We drive separately, just in case we need more room for my things, and every time I look into my rearview mirror, I can sense his worry from my own car.
My soul whirls out to seep into his car, as if to comfort him. When we finally arrive at my apartment, it feels so weird, yet familiar to walk in with FC.
“Hey, whatever happened to Mr. Fish?” FC asks as we set our bags down by the door.
“He died a few months ago.”
Sadness crosses his features and I fall in love a little more. “I’m sorry, love.” He steps forward to hug me. “We can get new fish. Have a tank at my house. Sawyer would love that, I bet.”
I lean back to look at him. “That means I have to come to your house to look at the fish.”
FC grins. “I know.” He kisses me quickly. “Do you want to grab some food, relax for just a bit, and then start some packing before bed?”
“Let’s order something.”
FC nods in agreement. “You do that then. I’m calling to check on Sawyer.” He runs a hand through his hair. “This is the first time I’ve ever left him for anything other than work. That’s stressful enough on its own without me thinking about Lila being nearby.”
Oh. That is a big deal. I mean, I knew he was likely anxious over Lila, but he definitely has a reason to be anxious considering this is his first time away from his son. I leave him to make his phone call while I figure out what we should eat and place an order for something to be delivered. FC’s voice changes the moment he talks to Sawyer. It softens and turns all sugary sweet. It’s freaking adorable to listen to him talk to his son.
And he talks to him or his mother until our food arrives. We sit at my dining table and eat quietly at first. All we have to pack is my personal belongings. This place came furnished and I made sure to find a furnished apartment in Raleigh as well. It’s nice to be back at this table with FC, but at the same time, the air feels different.
“Are you happy we’re doing this?” FC asks.
I frown with confusion. “Yes, of course.” Being with FC is all I’ve ever wanted; why wouldn’t I be happy now that it’s finally happening? “Are you?”
He nods. “This is a big change, especially for you. I need to make sure you’re okay is all. I need for this to work, Idaline. We need to be open and honest about everything. We need to talk about the hard stuff and work through it. We need to rely on each other. I won’t be able to survive losing you if this doesn’t work out. You remember what I told you, right?”
I nod, struggling to swallow with the tears welling in my eyes. He’s referring to the night he told me I was the one person he can’t imagine living without. I reach over to hold his hand. “I promise to do my best and when that isn’t good enough, you have permission to reel me back in.”
FC smiles and squeezes my hand. “Same for you, love.”
“There is one thing that worries me.” FC’s eyes sear into me. “Not like truly worries me, but worries me in the sense that it’s overwhelming to think about right now.”
“What is it?” he asks.
“The weight of our future.”
FC frowns, looks a bit confused, and sets his fork down. He tugs on my hand. “Come here,” he says softly. I stand and move to sit in his lap, straddling him since that’s how he positions me. “Explain it to me.”
A horrifying thought hits me. “What if you get upset?”
“I won’t,” he promises.
I’m not sure I believe that, but I trust if he does get upset, we’ll work our way through it. So, with a deep breath, I begin to explain myself. “I know a romantic relationship is still new to us, but I feel like our future is already set in stone and I don’t know.” I glance down at his stomach where I’ve chosen to rest my hands. “Knowing that we sort of expect to get married one day, knowing that you expect me to help raise Sawyer…” My voice trails off. That’s the most overwhelming part.
Knowing that I’m already essentially entering the role of mother, even if it’s not official yet. It’s what is expected to happen, which means I might as well somewhat start acting the part now. I know I’m twenty-seven, but I still feel like kids are a long ways off if I were to ever have them. And now, with no preparation, there’s this beautiful little boy in my life.
