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He took a deep breath, knowing what he had to say. ‘I’m sorry for leaving the way I did before. I was surprised to see that you had given Louise money, but that’s no excuse.’
‘Aye, well, thank you for the apology. That means a lot,’ Malcolm said, leaning back in his chair with a thoughtful expression on his face. ‘Reckon it’s about time that we talked about her, though, son. It’s been a long time.’
This time Fraser didn’t bite back at the word ‘son’. There was no point denying who they were to each other. And, whatever had happened since, Malcolm had been his dad, been there for him every day of the first fifteen years of his life. That earned him some rights.
‘I don’t understand why you’re giving her money,’ Fraser said, sticking to the present, not ready to fall into the past just yet. ‘You can’t still be fin
ancially responsible for her. You’ve been divorced for ten years.’
Malcolm nodded thoughtfully. ‘You’re right, and it’s not a regular thing. But she needed to borrow a little money and I wanted to help.’
‘Our home is falling down around you and you’re sending her money?’ Fraser tried to keep the anger from his voice, but he could tell from Malcolm’s expression that he hadn’t quite managed it.
He shrugged. ‘It’s only a few hundred pounds; I couldn’t see what difference it would make to things here. And it’s a loan. As apologies go, son, this isn’t the best I’ve heard.’
Fraser took a deep breath, tried to control his temper so that they could actually get to the end of this conversation. Elspeth was right. Leaving so much unsaid over the years had done nothing but make him unhappy. Finishing this was going to be hard. But at least he was trying something different. Now that he could see how his anger had been eating at him all this time he wanted it gone.
‘So...you’re still friends, then? You and Louise? When we heard that you were divorced... I don’t know. I assumed it had ended as badly as it had with Mum.’
Malcolm winced, and Fraser could see the pain and regret in his expression.
‘I never meant to hurt your mother, Fraser. I wish you could believe that. Back when I met Louise and thought that I was falling in love with her I didn’t want to lie to your mother, so I told her I thought we should separate. If I’d known then what I was doing...how much it would hurt her...that I would lose you...’ Malcolm shook his head, looking tired. Sad. ‘Love’s a confusing thing, Fraser. And sometimes it makes us do—say—things we regret.’
Malcolm glanced over to where Elspeth was sleeping by the fire and Fraser wondered what he thought of their relationship. How much he had guessed about the feelings that were running between them. Well, if his father knew what was going on, Fraser would be glad of the information. Because he wasn’t sure that he and Elspeth were doing such a great job between them of figuring their relationship out.
‘You were only married two years,’ Fraser said, accusing. ‘You threw away everything that you and Mum had for something that didn’t even last.’
Malcolm rubbed at his hair and sighed. ‘Aye. It’s easy to see that now. But at the time...’
‘At the time you were only thinking about one thing.’
‘Fraser...’ His father’s voice trailed off as he shook his head. ‘That’s not what happened. When I met Louise I fell in love with her. I’m sorry if it hurts you to hear that. I didn’t want to lie to your mother, and so I told her what I was feeling. Louise and I were happy for a short time, but...but sometimes that’s not enough. I was sad for a very long time after you left. It’s hard for a relationship to survive that.’
‘You chose her,’ Fraser said, the words tearing at his throat.
It was the thought that had haunted him for so many years. The fact that he hadn’t been good enough for his father. That he hadn’t been enough. That his father hadn’t chosen him.
‘I didn’t know at the time, Fraser, that that was what I was choosing. I know that’s what you threatened, but I thought you would come round. That if I gave you space you would change your mind. I didn’t know what to do. I always wanted you to come home, but I didn’t know how to talk to you.’
Malcolm leaned forward, but Fraser moved away on instinct, needing to keep some distance. Everything his father was saying... It was making him question everything he’d thought he’d known about his past. About himself.
‘You moved Louise in here when I was barely out of the door.’
Fraser held up his hands in defeat. ‘You were a child, Fraser, and so angry. I didn’t know what to do.’
‘I just wanted you to choose me!’ Fraser exclaimed, and then glanced across to make sure that he hadn’t woken Elspeth. ‘I wanted me and Mum to be more important than she was. I wanted our life together, what you had with us, to be more important than what you thought you might have with her.’
His father sank into his chair. ‘If I’d known, son, that I wouldn’t see you for so long, that you really meant it, I wouldn’t have done it. I would do anything to go back and make a different choice.’
Fraser looked into his father’s face and for the first time felt ashamed. He saw that he had brought as much pain to his father as he had felt himself over the years. If either one of them had compromised perhaps they both could have been spared some pain.
‘It’s not too late,’ Malcolm said, reading the mood and placing a hand over Fraser’s. ‘There’s a new life on the way and I hope—’
Malcolm’s voice cracked, and Fraser swallowed down an answering lump in his throat.
‘I hope that this is the start of something. I would so love to get to know you again, Fraser. To meet my grandchild and watch him grow up.’
‘Aye,’ Fraser said eventually, not trusting himself with a longer word. After several deep breaths he lifted his head and looked his father in the eye. ‘I’d like that too,’ he said, with a small nod that sealed the matter.
