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“Ya moms left in an ambulance. I heard she was unconscious…”
Tamia’s voice started driftin’ as I thought about all the muhfuckas my mother let run in and outta her life; all the times I watched her balled-up, cryin’ over a nigga; saw her face all beat the fuck up, heard her beggin’ a muhfucka not to leave her. Countless times she got caught up in bullshit off-again, on-again relationships. Niggas knew she was weak, and they knew what to say to get her right where they wanted her—lost and all fucked up in the head over ’em. Muhfuckas smelled her weakness a mile away. And I hated them for usin’ her, and I hated her even more for bein’ weak and stupid enough to let ’em.
I felt like my life was flashin’ before my eyes as I half-listened to Tamia and thought ’bout all the times I ran in tryna pull a muhfucka up offa my moms, or jumped in the middle to keep the nigga from hittin’ her, or how I’d fight him, and she’d somehow always find a way to flip the script and blame me, like it was my fault the nigga was beatin’ on her ass. Like it was my fault the nigga bounced. And she’d spend days, sometimes weeks, not fuckin’ speakin’ to me, ignorin’ me, treatin’ me like I was fuckin’ invisible, takin’ her fucked-up life out on me. This is the woman I’m ’posed to feel sorry for; the woman I’m ’posed to trust and love when she always puts a muthafuckin’ nigga before me. I’m ’posed to embrace her with open arms like she really ever gave a fuck ’bout me. Yeah, well…I tried that shit. And it got me nofuckin’-where. I’ll be damned if I get sucked back into tryna save her ass from herself.
“…We all outside, and they takin’ her to Kings County,” she continued. “The police got the nigga all cuffed up ’n shit.”
I sighed. “T, thanks for callin’, but she’s on her own. I ain’t breakin’ my neck for her ass, not this time. Not ever again, real talk. I’m done tryna save a ho who ain’t tryna be saved.”
“Kat, that’s real fucked up. That’s ya moms, regardless.”
“Oh, well. Life is fucked up, and so is she. So she gets what she gets. And that’s what it is.”
“Bitch, is you fuckin’ nuts? You mean to tell me you can’t get over yourself for one minute to check for ya moms?”
I sucked my teeth. “Exactly,” I said. “Let’s be clear: I don’t give a fuck. So pump ya brakes. I don’t get up in ya relationship with ya moms, so don’t try ’n serve it up in mine. That chick, moms or not, is a grown-ass woman, and she’s responsible for her own choices, not me. So, I ain’t tryna get caught up in ’em. She’s made her choices, and I’m makin’ mine. And a bitch chooses to keep my distance from her ass.”
I didn’t give a fuck ’bout what Tamia, or anybody else, thought for that matter. I was done. At some point a bitch gotta stop lettin’ muhfuckas fuck with her head. I mean, damn…how many times a muhfucka gotta smear shit on a bitch before her ass realizes it ain’t chocolate? Give me a fuckin’ break. I don’t care how many times I try, I will never, ever, be able to wrap my mind around a chick lovin’ a nigga more than she loves herself. On some real shit, what kinda fool is she? I mean, if that’s what it takes to be loved, then I’ma be one old, lonely ass, dick-deprived bitch ’cause I’ll be damned if I ever let a nigga beat my ass, disrespect, or try ’n play me.
“That’s real fuckin’ heartless.”
“And on some real shit, Tamia, so is fuckin’ niggas raw when you know you got blisters on ya pussy, so don’t come at me, bitch.”
“Bitch,” she yelled, “Fuck you!”
“No, sweetie, fuck you,” I snapped back. “You need to check ya’self before you try ’n check me on shit, for real. I ’preciate you hittin’ me up ’n shit, but do me a favor, don’t call me again. I don’t wanna hear shit else ’bout Juanita Perez.”
I hung up on her ass. Then found myself thinkin’ ’bout my father. I hadn’t given his nonexistent ass a thought in years. And all of a sudden he popped up in my head. I wondered if he ever beat my mom’s ass, or was he too busy dissin’ her with other bitches. On some real shit, I closed my eyes and tried to see his face, tried to remember what the nigga looked like in my head, but the shit was a big blur. He was a fuckin’ invisible man to me, a faceless stranger. At this point in my life, he wasn’t much more than a figment of my imagination.
I took a deep breath, then slowly blew it out. Tamia’s ass had stressed a bitch out. I tore through the house lookin’ for a damn blunt. When I found my stash, I opened a box of Phillies, took one out, split the shit down the middle with my razor, then packed it with trees. I rolled the shit up nice ’n tight, then sparked up. The shit was good as hell. I rolled two more ’cause I knew I was gonna need ’em before the day ended.
Ten minutes later, my cell started ringin’. This time it was Chanel. “Hello.”
“Kat, girl, I just got off the phone with T. Sorry to hear ’bout ya moms. She told me how you started spazzin’ out ’n shit.”
“Don’t be sorry for her ass,” I said, walkin’ downstairs to my media room. I knew Tamia’s gossipin’ ass couldn’t wait to get off the phone so she could call Chanel. I plopped down on my butter-soft, cranberry leather sofa. “She got what she deserved. I wasn’t spazzin’ ’bout nothin’, trust. I kept shit real with the bitch, and she wasn’t tryna hear it.”
“Kat, I don’t think anyone deserves to be beat on.”
“Well, maybe not. But when you keep allowin’ fucked-up niggas in ya life, then you gonna keep gettin’ fucked over and fucked up. It is what it is. As far as I’m concerned, if a bitch can’t learn her lesson after the second or third time, then her dumb ass deserves to get her biscuit pushed in. I have no respect for a bitch who lets a man define her happiness—or worse, who she is as a woman
.”
“Whether she learns or not, niggas shouldn’t be puttin’ they hands on no woman, Kat. And you know it. I don’t care how many times she chooses the wrong muhfucka.”
“Well, guess what? We can agree to disagree. But at the end of the day, a woman needs to take responsibility for her choices in men. Period. If her ass keeps choosin’ the same type of nigga, then maybe she needs to take a long, hard look in the mirror, and stop makin’ excuses. A bitch’s choices are ’bout her, not ’bout what the fuck some nigga does to her silly ass. If she doesn’t love herself, then how the fuck she gonna expect a nigga to love her? And if she doesn’t know how to love herself, then guess what? You can’t expect a muhfucka to know how to either. I don’t care what you or anyone else says, muhfuckas only gonna do what you allow ’em to do to ya.”
“Yeah, you right,” she said, sighin’. “It’s still fucked up.”
“Well, when bitches stand up and stop makin’ fucked-up choices, then maybe it won’t be that way, but it is. And it’s always gonna be that way ’cause you and I both know that there’s always gonna be a woman out here who can’t live, think, breathe, or move without a man, or a dick stuffed in her ass. We both know there are a bunch of hard-pressed bitches out there who will put up with almost anything a muhfucka dishes out to her ass.”
“True,” she said, pausin’. “So, I guess you dead serious ’bout not goin’ to the hospital, or at least callin’ to make sure ya moms is aiight?”
“I’m serious as a fuckin’ heart attack,” I said.
“Don’t you wanna know what happened to her?”
“She got her ass beat, again,” I answered, takin’ a deep toke on my blunt. I blew the smoke up into the air. “So what else is there to know?” I paused, waitin’ for her to respond. When she didn’t, I continued. “Not a damn thing. It was only a matter of time before it happened. When she gets sick and tired of bein’ sick and tired of openin’ her legs up to fucked-up niggas, then maybe she’ll wake the fuck up and make some changes in her life. But until then, I ain’t beat. ’Cause I know like you know, the first chance she gets, she’ll be right back on her knees suckin’ that nigga’s dick. And if it’s not his, it’ll be some other muhfucka’s. So, no thank you. I’ll have no part in what the fuck she does.”
