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I nodded, my head still buried against his chest where I could smell the heady mix of his cologne and shower gel. “I thought you might. What did she say?”
“She said whatever we decide to do, she’ll support us, and that if we need to hide out, we’re more than welcome to go to her place.”
I chuckled. “Right. She and Radleigh should consider changing the name of their house to McCoy’s Home for Waifs and Strays.”
“Ha, I’ll suggest that the next time I see her.”
With a sigh, I pulled away from him. “Miguel…”
His brown eyes filled with a sad sparkle. “I know what you’re going to say.”
“You do?”
He nodded. “You want us to put this on hold, or away forever, so we don’t have to deal with other people’s opinions.” He knew me too well. Or maybe it was obvious that we didn’t have any other options. “I understand. It’s probably for the best, but just so you know, I don’t want this to be the answer.”
“I don’t know what I want the answer to be,” I admitted, leaning forward and pressing my forehead against his chest. “I just know that now isn’t the right time to figure it out.”
Miguel’s hand burrowed inside my hair, and my resolve weakened for a second because I felt his disappointment and compassion like a physical presence running through my veins, as if he’d poured it into my body so it soaked into every part of me. The reality was, I couldn’t get past the point I’d brought up with Leah. What if none of this was real? What if it was just two people leaning on each other through a rough time, and at some point, one of us got hurt? I wasn’t sure how much more pain either of us could handle so if we both got hurt a little now, wasn’t it better than one of us hurting a lot later?
“Can we still hang out?” Miguel asked. “More than anything, I don’t want us to have to stop seeing each other just because people are talking. We were friends before this started, and I don’t want to lose you completely.”
“Me neither, but maybe… just for a week or two, could we take some time out? If we take a break maybe these feelings will start to make sense.”
He nodded but his body tensed. “Sure. If that’s what you want.”
I lifted my head to look into his eyes. “It’s not what I want, but it’s what we need. Some space. All those people today glaring at me, some of them telling me I’ve forgotten Will and questioning whether I loved him… I can’t fight that, especially not if people think you and I are together. It shouldn’t matter what they think, but it does. It matters if they think Will meant nothing to me when he meant everything. He still does.”
“I know.” Miguel leaned down and kissed me lightly on the cheek, his lips lingering for a moment before he pulled away. “I know.”
Before Miguel and I took the break we needed, we spent a couple of hours the way we’d gotten so used to. Sitting in the cosy corner of my living room playing video games and shutting the rest of the world out. The atmosphere was tinged with sadness, both of us emitting our true feelings in a way words couldn’t express. Being apart for a while was the only solution but I knew the moment the words left my lips how much I’d miss him, and the way life became bearable again when we were together. It took a colossal amount of strength to stop myself breaking down and telling him I’d changed my mind but I had to stick with it. Had to distance myself so I could think clearly and find out if I could move forward alone for a while.
Chapter 11 – Baby
It took a week and a half for my teammates to quit with the dirty looks and the shitty comments - most of which came from Tommy. As much as I hated it, at least he had the balls to say what he thought, unlike everyone else who had a hard time looking me in the eye. People I’d expected to hear me out, such as Jude and Cody, kept their distance, only talking to me about work-related topics. The camaraderie had gone, and Miguel experienced the same kind of freeze-out on his side of the field. For a team that prided itself on the closeness of its members, they sure could turn quickly. I truly understood their feelings but I didn’t understand their lack of compassion towards Miguel and me; people they’d known for many years. They should have listened, should have tried harder to understand, and should have known us well enough to realise how hard the situation was for us. Instead, they focused on the betrayal. I only hoped none of them ever experienced something similar; lost a person who meant the world to them and had to figure out how to go on living without them. If they did, maybe then they’d understand that grieving is not a black and white thing. It can’t be measured by time and the ways of coping don’t follow one single path. Paths cross, lines blur in unexpected ways, and things that would never have made sense before suddenly look different.
Keeping away from Miguel was harder than I’d expected. We hadn’t made any rules that we couldn’t speak to each other, but with everyone so edgy about what happened between us it was easier if we didn’t, especially at work. The distance cast a huge shadow over me, one I’d fought hard to shake off, and it also put my resolve to the test. Part of the reason for the separation was so I could find my footing alone. At some point, I had to start standing on my own two feet, and if I was going to find a way through the mess I needed to remind myself who I was. To remind myself of the strong woman who used to live inside me, before she died with Will and left me an empty shell.
Life in Westberg became kind of dull for a while. The major events were Cody doing the unexpected and actually dating Ashley from the roller rink, Bryce getting an ankle sprain which put him out of action, and Leah’s brother, sister-in-law, and niece and nephew arriving for a vacation.
I’d met Leah’s family in London the year before, and it was great to see them again. Leah invited Bree and me over for dinner one evening, since Leah’s nephew, Jamie, had apparently been talking about us; I guess we made a good impression on him. Jamie had had a growth spurt since the previous September, and at nine years old, he was now the same height as Leah. His hair had darkened a little too; he was going to be a heartbreaker in a few years.
At the end of the Walker family’s first week in Westberg, Josh, Christina and Grace headed to Florida for a few days. The original plan was for Leah to take care of Jamie and Grace while Josh and Christina took a few days for themselves. The kids couldn’t wait to spend time with their Auntie Leah, but since she was so heavily pregnant she couldn’t keep up with a two-year-old, so Josh and Christina took Grace with them, leaving just Jamie with Leah and Radleigh.
Leah had, quite bravely, decided to throw a small pool party for Jamie’s first weekend in L.A; mostly to give him something to do that didn’t involve her leaving the house since she could barely move anymore. The Warriors had a game in Atlanta, Georgia, but due to the overwhelming amount of stress I’d been under, Richard had allowed me the weekend off.
So, on Saturday afternoon, Leah’s backyard was the busiest it had been a while. As well as Leah, Jamie and I, Leah had invited Bree, Jesse and Isabelle, and Bryce and his three daughters, Peyton, Ava and Piper. We figured the guys could fire up the barbecue while the women and children splashed around in the pool.
Since I hadn’t officially met Isabelle yet because of the chaos at the roller disco, I was excited to finally get the chance. The kids played in the pool with the vast array of inflatable toys Bryce and Jesse had blown up, the guys and Bree had got in w
ith them, and Leah was in the kitchen making drinks. Isabelle and I kept a safe distance from the mayhem and sat on the comfy sun loungers.
Isabelle no longer looked terrified being around so many new people; in fact, she’d been brave enough to strip down to black and white striped shorts and a black bikini to enjoy the sunshine. A book rested on the floor beside her chair.
“How are you enjoying being in Los Angeles?” I asked her, knowing it was the lamest question ever but also the easiest stepping stone into a conversation.
Isabelle smiled brightly. “It’s strange and incredible. I’ve pinched myself every morning to make sure I’m really here because coming to a place like this doesn’t happen to girls like me. I’ve dragged Jesse to every tourist spot in the city and everywhere I go, I fall in love with this place more and more. I don’t want go home.”
“When do you leave?”
