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I leaned in and pressed my lips to her forehead. “Let’s go to the park,” I said.
She sighed heavily like I was frustrating her. I probably was. I always had been good at that. I didn’t want to. I was just trying to get through this day with as much time with her as I possibly could squeeze out. I didn’t know when the next time would be. I wanted to take every minute I could get.
She turned on her heel and looked back once before she headed for the door. I followed her like the good puppy I was. I stepped aside so Disa could lock the door to her apartment.
We were back in the truck within minutes. Going down the steps was much easier on my, out of shape cardiovascular system than going up. I wasn’t quite as winded while she wasn’t winded at all.
It didn’t take long to get to the park from Disa’s apartment. Two traffic lights and we were there. It sat on the outskirts of town on twenty acres of land donated by a patron of Sherwood who had died years ago. The city turned it into the park that it was today. The old house, a two-story colonial was beautiful in its day but had to be torn down because repairing it was too
costly for our town.
Sherwood wasn’t that large. It was easy to get around with all the main businesses right in the heart of the city. I realized while walking beside Disa pushing Asia in the stroller that I had discovered something in the park. Life didn’t need to be complicated. I had been leading an uncomplicated life before Jasmine and I wanted to keep it that way now that I had a daughter.
Asia filled something in my life that I was missing, and Disa I realized could also fill the spot in my life that was empty since I had walked away from her six years ago. To keep it that way, I needed to address things quickly with Rachel and Dad.
I wanted this woman. Once, a long time ago, I gave her up. I wasn’t sure that I could do it again if she was willing to give me a second chance. I wasn’t going to rush into anything because Disa seemed content like me to take things slowly.
A sidewalk encircled the playground and ran the entire area of the park. We walked, side by side, halfway around the track. We were silent for a while then talking about nothing at all, making small talk but it was comfortable like it used to be, and I wanted to hang onto that. I wanted to hang onto her.
A child laughed. It caught my attention. One day, I could see myself bringing Asia here, letting her play on the swing set. Sliding down the slide, shouting, “Catch me, Daddy.” That brought a smile to my face.
We had a few years before this could happen, but I couldn’t wait for it. There were so many things I had to look forward to. We stopped by the pond and watched the ducks swimming about. I leaned on the fence and stared over the water, keeping one hand on the stroller.
I was ashamed of myself for asking Jasmine to get rid of Asia. A woman has a right to do what is right for her and Jasmine wanted to keep Asia. At that time, the baby didn’t seem real to me. I couldn’t imagine myself becoming a father at that time. Now, here I am a single father raising this baby by myself.
Granddad would be proud of the fact that I stepped up to the plate even before Asia was born. I might not have been there for her the way she needed me, but I let her know that I would take care of all her financial needs. I let her know she wouldn’t have to worry about paying hospital bills or doctor bills. I also let her know that she and the baby would be taken care of after our daughter was born.
That isn’t what Jasmine wanted. She wanted me to marry her. We didn’t know each other well enough for that step. I wasn’t about to marry her, but I wanted to take care of my responsibilities as far as the child was concerned.
The baby she carried still didn’t seem real to me until my sister sent me that photo of my daughter in her mother’s arms. Then I knew I had to be her father. Somehow, I had to be more than child support for Asia but not lead Jasmine on. We didn’t have a chance as a couple not when I loved someone else, but I wanted to be my child’s father.
Disa tucked her hand through my arm. “What are you thinking, Ben? You’ve been contemplative this morning.”
I glanced at her. Then at Asia. “I had such a hard time accepting the fact that Jasmine was pregnant.”
“I know,” she replied. “Jasmine told me.”
I shook my head. “Asia didn’t seem real to me.” I peeked into the stroller then looked at Disa. “She was so tiny in the picture that Danni sent me from the hospital. Jasmine had arranged for me to be able to visit her in the nursery. I think she wanted me to come to her room too. Danni said she was disappointed when I didn’t, but I didn’t want to confuse things between us. My only interest was in Asia. I didn’t want to hurt Jasmine any more than I had.” She nodded like she understood.
I told Disa about that visit. Holding her for the first time was an amazing experience. One that I would never forget. I was still angry at Jasmine. Hurt by her lies. “I wanted to be a part of her life, Disa but I didn’t want to mislead Jasmine into thinking that there could be anything between us again.”
“She told me that she wanted to marry you,” Disa said. She wasn’t looking at me while she waited for my response.
“That wasn’t possible. We didn’t know each other well enough to get married. I had made a mistake taking her out in the first place. There was no reason to compound the issues we had by marrying. Jasmine had her head in the clouds. She wasn’t being realistic. I just wanted to be a father to my daughter. I wanted to be sure that she and Jasmine had all that they needed too.”
Disa nodded once again. She was so quiet, I wasn’t sure what she was thinking. “And you did, Ben,” she replied. “Danni told me that you paid all her medical bills.”
I nodded then continued trying to explain how I felt. She knew though. There were nights when she worked when Seth practically carried me out of the bar. Especially, that last night I saw her before yesterday morning at the store. That night when I pressed her against the wall and I kissed her. I kissed her because I wanted only her.
Dad gave me the alcohol and let me drink myself into oblivion hoping that I would snap out of it. Then later, Mom would lecture me about alcohol not resolving anything.
I couldn’t explain to them that it was temporary. There were times that I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to stop. I was afraid that I was on a downhill spiral because Jasmine had done a number on me. She lied to me and I had screwed up the only thing I wanted in this life. Disa Riley.
“I’m so sorry, Ben.” Disa laid her head against my shoulder. I turned and kissed her temple. She looked up at me and our eyes met. They remained locked on each other for several minutes before she looked away. Then I did too.
I focused on the pond. The water lapping against the shore. “When we were small, Mom would bring us here to play. She brought feed that we gave to the ducks and geese. Danni would get scared and run away which would only cause them to chase her,” I told Disa. She chuckled.
“I didn’t have this normalcy. I want to give it to my children,” she said.
