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I understood her feelings. This was the one place we had Mom’s full attention. That’s why I loved the park. “One of us that was bigger and stronger, like Elijah who was bigger than me and probably AJ and Heath at a young age, would grab her up off the ground and carry her away from them.”
We looked forward to those moments with her. At the park, Mom wasn’t frazzled. Rachel loved being outdoors and that is when she was happiest being our mother. Maybe that is why I wanted to take Asia to the park. Although she was too small to enjoy it, I wanted to start creating these same memories for her that Mom had created for us.
“Are you sure you didn’t have feelings for her?” Disa asked drawing me back to her. “It sounds like such a strong reaction for someone you barely knew.”
I closed my eyes and tried to imagine the woman who had given birth to my daughter but the woman next to me was all I could see. I opened my eyes and turned towards Disa.
“I’m sure,” I told her. I wasn’t ready to expound on my feelings for Disa just yet. I had said enough already about that topic when I didn’t know what Disa was feeling.
“We only went on five dates, Disa. I enjoyed her sweetness. I needed something different in my life.” Someone like you. What I found was someone that reminded me of what I was missing and couldn’t have.
“All right,” she agreed. Then Disa surprised me when she slipped her arms around my waist, hugging me. My arms wrapped around her, holding her close.
Disa tilted her head up. Her beautiful eyes were gazing at me. Her mouth enticing me. She wanted me to kiss her. So much for us just being friends, I decided.
I hovered trying to determine what to do. I wanted more with her than just friendship. I wasn’t sure what to do. I thought maybe I should talk to Mom first. Feel her out. Get the green light. She would help me clear things with Dad.
Those eyes though. They were drawing me in. Encouraging me to just go ahead and kiss her. I lowered my head and brushed my lips across Disa’s. My hands moved from holding her to cupping her face.
Her skin was soft beneath my fingers. I moaned against her lips and she moaned in ret
urn. I was getting excited and being in the park surrounded by families with small children, that would not do.
I raised my head. My hands still held her face between my palms. I had always known that kissing this woman was like kissing an angel. Once was never going to be enough. She was that intoxicating to me. “What is it, about you?” I asked her.
“What do you mean?” She sounded breathless like I felt.
I shook my head trying to clear the confusion I was feeling. I couldn’t explain to her how I was feeling right this minute. The overwhelming sense of belonging when I was with her. The need to just kiss her again. Would she even want to hear it after I had been with Jasmine?
I couldn’t regret being with Disa’s cousin because it had brought me Asia. The little girl had changed my life. I rested my forehead against Disa’s. I wanted to tell her all the things going through my head but couldn’t. Not yet. I was so confused and afraid I would just make it worse. I was a Hatfield after all. We weren’t known for being tactful or good with words.
Then the words just started tumbling out and I couldn’t stop them. I whispered to her, “I can’t regret being with Jasmine because it gave me Asia.” Disa nodded her head against my own.
“Disa, having her is a feeling that I can’t explain.” She nodded against me again but now her eyes were closed. “But there is a huge part of me that regrets not standing up to Dad and telling him how I felt about you, years ago. I was afraid Disa.” I felt a sense of relief that I had told her what I was feeling. I waited for Disa to respond. I waited a few seconds more, getting twitchy that she wasn’t saying anything.
“What were you afraid of, Ben?” She asked.
I kissed her lips again. The kiss giving me the courage to tell her how I felt. “I was afraid of you,” I explained.
“Of me,” she repeated questioning me. “Ben, it’s just me. Why were you afraid of me?”
I sighed. The sound was heavy and hurt filled. I knew where it came from. It was from walking away from her. I wanted her to understand how I felt then and all these years without her. I wanted her to know how she made me feel then and now, but I didn’t have the words to explain to her what she had meant to me.
“I don’t know what it is about you that brings me to my knees. I’ve spent the last six years trying hard not to think about your pretty curls and those angel eyes,” I rubbed my thumb along her cheek, “and doing a damn poor job of it while going from woman to woman, but none could fill the void left behind when I broke it off with you.”
I heard the huskiness in my voice. I bit down on my lower lip. Then a tear rolled down her cheek. I wiped it away with my thumb. “Don’t cry, not because of me. I’m not worth it baby.”
“I’m crying for us, Ben. For what we could have had. This sounds crazy, but I look at Asia and wish that she was mine. I feel cheated.”
Then she pulled away from me. “Don’t,” I said to her drawing her back to me. She wiped furiously at her cheeks. “Please just don’t pull away from me.”
Her eyes turned up to me. “What if Jasmine comes back?” She asked.
I shook my head. “We work out a parenting agreement. We aren’t going to be together, if that is what you are worried about.”
She sighed. “Maybe you should consider it for Asia’s sake.” She sounded resigned.
I rubbed my hand over my jaw then I reached for her hand. “Why? How? When I look at her I would think about kissing you. Disa, that wouldn’t be fair to Jasmine or myself. I did that once. It didn’t work out.” Her eyes shot up to my face. “Dammit, Disa. I’ve been running from my feelings for you for six years. I’m not running anymore. Don’t you run out on me now,” I implored her to hear me. I wanted her to see the anguish I had been feeling. I wanted her to understand the women had been a need to hide from the pain that I was feeling over losing her.
