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Lacking all grace, Nicolette chucked the flagon at Mydera, who caught it with one hand, her fingers curling around it in a possessive claim.
“Thank you.” Her chest heaved as she released a relieved breath, and the flask was tucked out of sight before she continued. “Now, I invite you both to visit the cook’s wagon and join my people for a farewell breaking of your fast while we have your possessions packaged and readied for your journey ahead. I’ll meet you there when I have your trinkets charmed.”
Nicolette and I exchanged glances. She appeared to be as uncertain as I felt about this entire deal, but we also seemed to agree we’d follow the mage’s instructions anyway.
With a sigh, Mydera waved the backs of her fingers at us, shooing us along. “Well, what’re you still standing there for? Get on with you now. I have work to do.”
Mumbling to herself, Nicolette snagged my hand. “Come on,” she growled, “I think I’ve reached the limits of my patience here.”
I blinked at the command but followed her without a word as she led me from the tent. It always surprised me when she issued an order and I found myself perfectly content to obey. When first we met, she’d been much more biddable, acquiescing to my directives with nary a question. But the longer I remained in her company, the more she seemed to come into her own, growing more confident in her decision-making and philosophies.
I couldn’t help but think that once she reached her full potential, she’d be spectacular.
Unstoppable.
“I cannot believe you snuck out and spoke to that woman behind my back,” she hissed, trying to keep her scolding quiet and between the two of us. She kept hold of my hand as if she couldn’t seem to part with me, even as she sent me a vexed sniff. “What items are you getting enchanted, anyway?”
I couldn’t tell her. She’d never forgive me if she knew I’d snatched some of her things to have infused with magic.
Swallowing down my dread, I murmured, “That’s my prerogative, my lady.”
“Oh, is it?” She sent me an arch glance, only to sniff and lift her chin a notch higher before facing forward again. “Fine. Keep your secrets but know this. I’ll learn them eventually.”
“Not today, you won’t,” I countered.
Zipping me a scowl, she agreed, “Maybe. However, someday, you will come to learn you can trust me. Implicitly.”
I knew she’d leave the moment she learned everything; that was what I could trust. Until then, I’d steal as much time as I could with her.
Glancing toward me, she said, “You’ll also come to understand there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you.”
I glanced at her, but she was no longer paying me any heed.
With a shake of my head, I released a breath. No one had ever claimed to be so dedicated to me. I wasn’t sure how to process it.
My ribs tightened painfully around my chest, constricting my lungs. Her sweet words caused the ache to grow, until every muscle in my frame pulled taut, threatening to shatter me into a million pieces.
In an effort to hold it all together, I tugged her fractionally closer, and yet she still seemed to slip further and further away.
Too far away.
I needed her closer.
My brow furrowed. I was following my contradictory path of needs and desires again, wasn’t I? Dammit, what the devil was wrong with me?
Did I want my father’s love and acknowledgement, or did I want to be as far away from such a monster as I could get? Did I want Nicolette to go for her own safety or did I want her to stay because I couldn’t part with her? Could I not just settle on one desire and stick with it? Because, seriously, one moment I was trying to shove Nicolette at the mages, yet now I was back to concealing truths just to keep her.
Why did I always desire two such opposite goals?
Though to be quite honest, I really didn’t want any of the goals I worked so hard to obtain, probably because what I wanted most was an impossibility on all fronts, and I was left torn in two, my actions always sending me in conflicting directions.
With the king, I did want him to be my father, but a real father, a father of integrity, that I could find honor and pride in. But he could never be that man. He was evil, straight to the core, so I had alternated between loving and hating him, frustrated because I knew I could never get what I needed most.
But it was time to lay that to rest. The king was no longer my concern. He’d crossed the line with Sable. Imprisoning her wasn’t something I could forgive.
And with Nicolette. Dammit, with Nicolette, I’d ruined anything we could ever have by beginning our association with a lie—a lie I’d covered with more lies, and then more lies on top of that. I could never be fully honest and open with her without losing her, and I could never fully have her without showing her all that I was.
I blinked, a little startled. I'd actually figured out the conundrum to all my issues. Huh. Strange. I’d been warring with myself for years over the opposing pulls I always experienced when it came to the king. But after mere days in Nicolette’s company, my problems became as clear as the sky on a cloudless day.
