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God, I missed my dad.
I hadn’t realised quite how much until Christopher had pulled this out of the book.
I wanted to read it, but opening it seemed like a task in itself.
To know that he’d written this in hospital before he died, with the mind that I’d read it when I became a father…
Part of me wanted to know, but the other part felt as though it was wrong. I wasn’t a father, not yet. Would I understand what it was that he was telling me?
Would I be able to open it to read it to begin with?
I’d barely seen his handwriting since he’d sent me on the stupid bloody scavenger hunt.
A whole letter.
That was a lot of his writing.
Potentially.
There was the chance this was another one of his famous games.
With a heavy sigh, I pushed up to my feet and walked over to the desk where I sat down and rummaged in the drawer for the letter opener. I sliced along the top edge of the envelope with the sharp blade, then set it aside so I could slide out the letter.
My hands shook as I set the empty envelope to the side and slowly opened the contents.
Matthew,
If you’re reading this, it’s because I’m no longer with you, and one of two things has happened: you’re married and a father, or you’re married and going to be one, and Christopher has terrible self-control.
I pressed my hand to my mouth and bit back a laugh.
Of course he would have known.
I’ve spent hours thinking about that moment—becoming a grandfather and seeing my grandson or granddaughter grow up, and my heart is breaking to know that won’t happen. As I write this, I know I’m leaving you and your mother, and this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
You will be an incredible father, Matty.
My eyes burned with tears.
Nobody had called me that since he’d died—I’d not allowed anyone to.
That was what he’d always called me unless I was in trouble. Then I was Matthew William Gerwyn Bennett.
I didn’t know how I was going to get through this letter.
It might not feel like it now, but you will be. I remember how terrified I was the moment your mum told me she was pregnant with you—three long years of us trying had finally given us you, and I’d never been happier or more scared than I was in that moment.
Get used to it, kid. You’re going to be shitting yourself on a regular basis for the next eighteen or so years.
I don’t know who your wife is. I don’t know her name or what she looks like, but I know she must be a bloody saint for putting up with you, and for that alone, I approve.
And by God, boy, you look after her.
I covered my mouth with my hand and pushed the letter back a little as a tear rolled down my cheek.
If she’s pregnant right now, she’s going through hell. If she’s just had the baby, she’s been through hell. Watching your mother go through that process was one of the most helpless times of my life, so let me share something with you that your grandpa shared with me.
The biggest thing you can do for her is be there.
When she’s happy. When she’s sad. When she’s tired. When she wants chocolate digestives at two in the morning or is crying because she’s dropped her sock. When she doesn’t know why she’s laughing or she’s crying. When her feet hurt but she doesn’t want to sit down. When she wants to go for a walk but the cake in the fridge looks better.
Be there with her. Cherish the moments. Cherish her, even when you want to lock her outside in the shed – you will, trust me. (Just make sure you send her with food or water or it’s frowned upon.)
I laughed into my hand even as another tear escaped down my face.
The chance of me being able to do that with Eva was a big, fat zero. She’d burn the bloody shed down if I locked her in it.
Sometimes, all you’ll be able to do for her is love her. And that will be enough, even in the moments when you think it isn’t. Especially in the moments when you think it isn’t.
The greatest thing you can do for her will be to love her unquestionably.
And if I know you, you already do. You always did have the biggest heart, just like your mum.
I’ll stop here, if only because otherwise I know I never will.
Just know that I am infinitely proud of you, son, and I am the luckiest man in the world to call myself your father.
I love you very much, Matty, and I’ll be with you always.
Dad xx
P.S. Turn over!
I frowned, turning it over.
Check the safe in the office, the one I would never let you in. The combination is the best day of my life. There’s something there you’ll want.
