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Even from where I was sitting I could make out her face, could see her shy little smile as she lifted her hand and waved as her brothers and nieces called out to her. I
caught sight of a leather bracelet on her left wrist as her hand started to lower and I wanted to storm onto the stage and rip it off, to expose the ink that matched my own.
Fuck. She was so goddamn beautiful. I’d tried to play her beauty down in my mind, tried to lie to myself about the effect she had on me. I’d only been fooling myself. Just looking at her made it hard to breathe. Knowing that I’d thrown what we could have had away didn’t help my breathing situation any. The muscles in my chest protested and I released my hold on Trinity to rub a hand across them.
I hadn’t seen her since she’d run out of my parents’ house in January. Hadn’t tried to follow after her, to tell her I hadn’t meant it—that it was all a lie. That I was sorry. That I didn’t want her to go. That I fucking loved her more than any other person in the world. Including myself. Instead I’d stood in the doorway watching her run away from the pain I’d caused. Away from me. Even though it had nearly killed me, I’d let her go without another word.
All that shit with Tessa had shown me that Lucy was better off without me. That I would just bring her down. She had been ready to change her college plans for me. Would have stayed in California to be with me. All her dreams of going to Georgetown from the time she was ten would have gone down the drain and it would have been my fault. She deserved more out of life than the fuck up I’d felt like I was back then.
That I still was.
There hadn’t been a day I didn’t regret not following Lucy. Wasn’t ten seconds that went by that I didn’t ache to call her and beg for another chance.
She was doing good at school, though. Emmie kept Natalie up to date regularly since they worked together. Nat in return told me how Lucy was doing. If she had been falling behind, if she had been falling apart, then maybe I would have called her. The smallest sign that she needed me as much as I needed her and I would have been on a fucking plane. But she wasn’t, and I wasn’t about to fuck up her life all over again.
That didn’t mean I didn’t hate myself for not calling. Didn’t mean I didn’t dial her number every night and fight with myself about hitting send until I fell into a deep, restless sleep in my new bed three floors below my old apartment.
I tried to play my regrets off with indifference, and when that didn’t work, all-out hostility. I didn’t let anyone but Natalie talk to me about Lucy. Didn’t go near anyone else in her family, especially not her parents or Emmie. Honestly, I’d waited for weeks, hoping that Jesse Thornton would show up at my door and beat me to death for hurting his only daughter. I would have gladly let him end me just so I didn’t have to constantly feel like my heart wasn’t even a part of my body anymore.
He hadn’t.
Natalie had told me that he didn’t blame me for what had happened with Tessa or what had followed. She didn’t have to say the words for me to realize that Jesse probably felt sorry for me. That made it worse. He understood and felt bad, not just for the pain Lucy was in, but my own pain too. If it had been my daughter, I wasn’t so sure I could have been even half as understanding.
The graduation ceremony felt like it wasn’t ever going to end. Even though I told myself to look away, my eyes kept going straight back to Lucy. She sat there with her legs crossed, rubbing her feet, and I could tell she wasn’t paying attention. She must have been bored out of her mind. I paid no attention to the speeches, could hear nothing but the blood rushing through my ears as I silently willed her to look up at me.
My eyes stayed on her as she stood and waited with the others to accept her diploma. I watched as she smiled at the guy in front of her when he turned to say something to her. Watched as she played with the leather bracelet on her wrist. I itched to tear that damn thing off and expose the friendship tat that matched my own.
Without realizing it, my finger traced over the ink on my right wrist. That tattoo had helped me through more bad days than I wanted to admit.
“Lucy Daniels Thornton.”
“Yeah!” At least ten people screamed at once as Lucy stepped forward, shook her principal’s hand, and took her diploma. Rockers I’d known my entire life were whistling and calling out her name. People turned their heads to stare, but no one cared. Every one of Lucy’s family and friends were proud of her, including myself. Trinity’s little hands started clapping before I could even lift my own. My throat grew thick with emotion as I watched her do a little curtsy as she reached the end of the stage and smirked up at all her family and friends.
“Go, Lu!” My dad called out and her head turned in our direction.
Her smile was still bright as her gaze easily found him in the dimly lit auditorium, but I knew the instant she caught sight of me. That beautiful smile evaporated and I saw her swallow hard. Lowering her head, she slowly made her way down the four steps and took her place with the rest of the class. The last name was called, but I couldn’t have said who it was. My heart had turned to lead, my stomach already twisting and clenching.
Those eyes.
It was worse than the day she had come to beg me to ask her to stay. It was worse than watching her run away from me. It was fucking worse than having to spend the past few months with the entire country between us.
Her dark eyes had looked emotionless, almost…dead.
What information Emmie had passed along to Natalie obviously hadn’t been right. It couldn’t have been. Her eyes wouldn’t have been like that if she was doing okay. Maybe she could put on a bright smile and fool everyone else, but I wasn’t blind. She was still hurting.
And it was all my fault.
Chapter 5
Lucy
My face was starting to hurt from all the smiling I was forced to do. My body hurt from all the tight hugs my family was giving me.
My heart hurt from seeing Harris.
He was still there. I could feel his presence. Could pick out his voice as he spoke to Jace and Caleb and a dozen other people. Not once did he approach me, though. I tried to tell myself that I was glad he stayed away. Glad he didn’t even look in my direction. It made it easier.
Lie.
