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Never before had I wanted to hear someone beg for me like that. Sure, I’d liked it when the couple of people I’d been with before had done it. Who didn’t like that? It made me feel powerful and sexy. But the way that Billie did it, like she was having every dream fulfilled, like she’d die if I didn’t fuck her, it was insane, it was the hottest goddamn thing. I’d been dizzy with it. Fuck, I was dizzy even now, touching myself to the memory.
We’d been in the back of my car, so we hadn’t had a ton of room, but that had been fine by me. It had meant that my thrusts were close, deep, intimate. We’d kissed the entire time, like we’d been starving for it, and I’d felt addicted to her. My hips had rolled into her again and again, feeling her hot and tight around me, clenching, rippling, fuck…
Even with my hand just wrapped around my cock right now, in real life, I couldn’t stop remembering how it was back in time, that night.
She’d sounded amazing as she’d orgasmed, shocked, almost, like she hadn’t expected it. She’d clung to me, gasping, biting down hard on my lip, and I’d fucked into her hard, fast, unable to keep up a steady rhythm. Fuck, she’d felt so good, so fucking good, oh God, fuck, yes, fuck—
I stared down at myself, at the mess I’d made, and felt a new rush of shame. Fuck. I had resolved to put it all behind me, I had known that what we’d done that night was a mistake, and yet I’d just gone and fucking masturbated to it like I was an uncontrollable teenager.
The aftermath of my orgasm back then hadn’t been great, either.
I had told Billie that it was a mistake. As I’d stared at the woman who I knew was the sister of my best friend, I’d realized what a fucking misstep I’d taken. How could I have hooked up with her without even once thinking about Morgan? Without taking her out to dinner first, wooing her properly? Morgan would murder me for hooking up with her and he’d have a right to. Billie had been just over eighteen, and four years younger than I was. Four years wasn’t as much now that we were both in our twenties but when she was eighteen and I was graduating college… yeah, it was a huge difference.
I had panicked. I’d told her that it was a bad decision, that we shouldn’t have done it, that we both should’ve known better.
My hopes that my letter, composed after I’d had some time to think and was calmer, would smooth things over. I had realized that I didn’t want to just hook up with her. That the girl I had admired in personality, who had just sort of hovered in the back of my mind, was now an adult and the best damn lay in my life. I had wanted to get to know her better and see where it could go.
We all knew how that had turned out.
I hopped into the shower and scrubbed myself hard until I felt raw. This was ridiculous. Embarrassing, even. I was a fool to be fixated on her like this. It was clear that Billie wasn’t interested in me, and the cat was most likely out of the bag since Morgan was being so MIA on me. So, I’d lost my best friend, too. Fantastic, right? Nothing I had done that night had come out right. I had ruined everything, with two people that I really cared about. All because I couldn’t control my lust for Billie—which wasn’t going away. So now I had this obsession with her, and I could never have her. Ever since that night I hadn’t been able to think about another girl, hadn’t been able to focus on anyone else. Not from lack of trying, either, trust me, there were plenty of bars where a soldier could go to get a woman if he wanted. I just… didn’t want any.
Fuck me, right?
I had to find a way to change that. If I didn’t find some way to get over Billie, then I was going to be fucking miserable. She didn’t want anything to do with me and neither did Morgan. I had to accept that—and even if I didn’t find someone else to be with instead, I had to stop focusing on her. Somehow.
Fuckin’ hell.
I watched whatever crappy television was on in the motel room to distract myself and planned to get a library card so that I could start checking out books to fill the void of my time when I wasn’t working. Seeing as I probably wouldn’t have any damn friends in this town anymore and going out to random parties and causing trouble wasn’t really my thing at age twenty-six the way it had been at ages fourteen through twenty-two.
