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I caught bits and pieces of their conversation: the new diner, the wedding plans. Mom talked nonstop, and I was kind of glad she did. At least that way I didn’t have to say anything. I’d get by unscathed and retreat to my bedroom as soon as I could. And once I was there, I could find the relief I so desperately needed.
“What time did you say we had to meet them, Sal?” Mom asked, and I lifted my head after taking my last mouthful of food. It would only be minutes until I was alone again.
“Seven.” Sal lifted his cell. “In an hour.”
Mom leaned back in her seat and bit down on her bottom lip. “Do you want to come with us, Aria?”
“Come where?”
“To the new diner. We have to meet the contractor to talk about the plans. I thought you might want to come and see it.”
“I…” I shuffled on my seat, willing to feel the wince from the cut several days ago, but it was nonexistent now. It had disappeared, and it made my breath catch. I needed to feel it. I needed the physical pain to center me and get me through the day. “I have a paper to write,” I blurted out and stood. I took my plate to the sink. “I’ll do the dishes while you’re gone.” I didn’t wait for either of them to say anything as I rushed out of the kitchen.
I grabbed my bag from the bottom of the stairs and then took them two at a time. My ears buzzed the closer I got to my bedroom, and by the time I closed the door behind me and sat on the bed, the world was spinning.
My hands shook as I pulled my jeans off and placed them on the bed next to me. I could just barely hear Mom and Sal talking downstairs as I reached into my bag where I’d been keeping my case. I fumbled with the zip and sighed when I got it fully open. The row of razors had
my breath slowing down, and once I plucked the first blade out, I already felt better.
I focused entirely on the blade and my legs as I sat on the edge of the bed and parted my legs. Cordoning off a section of skin on my thigh, I pressed the blade to my skin, about to puncture it when a knock sounded on my bedroom door.
“Aria?” Mom asked, but I didn’t shift from my position. I couldn’t move the sharp metal away, not now that I was so close to feeling the pain it would cause. I couldn’t give it up. “We’re heading out. We should be back around ten.”
“Okay,” I croaked out, only loud enough for her to hear through my closed door. I put more pressure on the blade and closed my eyes as it finally pierced my skin.
“You okay in there, honey?” Mom asked, her voice now a little closer.
“Yeah,” I told her, knowing my voice didn’t sound normal. I was getting a high as the blade scratched along my skin, and I couldn’t look away when the bright red started to flow out of the cut. “Just getting changed,” I said as an afterthought, my attention solely on the blood.
“Right.” I heard Mom clear her throat. “I’ll see you later then?”
“Bye,” I whispered as the echo of her feet sounded across the hallway. I let the blood drip down my leg, watching it with fascination until it hit my ankle. The front door closed, an engine roared to life, and yet, I couldn’t stop. I allowed the blood to hit my carpet, knowing it would stain, but not caring. I was doing a lot of that lately—not caring. Until it came to Cade.
I closed my eyes and wished I hadn’t because the first thing that appeared was his face. His handsome, chiseled face. He’d once asked me to reach out to him when I felt the need to cut, but that had disappeared along with everything else. Now my only salvation was the blade I held in my hand and the pain it could cause.
My fingers trembled as I cleaned the razor off on my jeans next to me, and my breath stalled in my chest when I placed it back in my case. I usually felt a little better after I’d cut, but there was something different this time. Energy buzzed through my body as I stood, and my attention zoned in on the stain on the carpet. The urge to clean it was overwhelming. I hadn’t cared while I was cutting, but now it was the only thing consuming me. I had to make it disappear, so I rushed downstairs and grabbed all the cleaning supplies I could manage in one trip.
My legs were exposed, with small trails of blood still trailing down the skin, but there was no one around to see. I had to get this blood out of the carpet no matter what. The stain had to be invisible, so I sprayed it with bleach, and put every ounce of effort into scrubbing.
I kept my gaze fixated to the spot, using both hands to grip the sponge I was using. Bleach permeated through the air and stung my eyes, but I simply sprayed more so the stain would leave.
A door banged shut somewhere, voices and footsteps echoing throughout the house. Someone called my name, and I wasn’t even sure I answered them, all I knew was that the stain was now gone, but the rest of my room needed to match the cleanliness of this spot. Maybe that was what I needed to feel comfortable in this new room? Maybe I needed to cleanse it, just like I cleansed myself of all my thoughts.
Time started to move in chunks. I stripped my bed, cleaned all my furniture, pulled all my clothes out and reorganized them into acceptable piles. I scrubbed the walls and left watermarks all over them. But I didn’t care. All that mattered was cleaning my room and making sure it was acceptable for…
I blinked, the fog clearing as the sun started to rise. Birds chirping and singing echoed through my open bedroom window. I stared down at my hands, the red skin peeling in places from all the bleach I’d used. A breath left me in a puff of air as I spun around on the spot and stared at my half-clean room. I’d made a pile in one corner of things I hadn’t gotten around to, or that just didn’t fit inside my drawers. I had a mismatched room, half pristine and half a mess, and it was now morning.
I’d been up all night, and I didn’t even remember most of it. And now footsteps were sounding out inside the house, and it would only be a matter of time before Mom and Sal left for work.
The cloth I’d been using dropped from my hand, falling to the floor like a flag at the start of a race. My shoulders slumped, tiredness setting in at a rapid pace. My legs carried me to my unmade bed, and as soon as my body dropped onto it, my eyes closed. For the first time in what felt like forever, the thoughts in my head were silent, and I fell to sleep with a small smile on my face.
* * *
CADE
Two weeks had flown by since Willow had walked into my classroom and witnessed Aria and me kissing. I’d been trying to keep her at arm’s length, hoping she’d forget about the date I’d promised her. I didn’t want to take her out, but it didn’t mean I had a choice in the matter.
Aria hadn’t spoken a word to me. Not in class, and never when we saw each other in the hallways. I’d tried to keep distance between us so I wasn’t tempted, which meant I hadn’t been over to my dad’s house. It left me alone more often than not, and alone was never a good place for me. I overthought everything, but worse than that, I relived memories, memories of Aria and me. Remembering the way her lips had felt against mine. Hearing the echo of her laugh. Seeing the smile on her face. It never stopped, and part of me didn’t want it to.
