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Not even with him.
God, right now, especially not with him.
“I’m fine. I’m just . . . thinking.”
As I murmur the lame explanation I turn my head away from him, because the care in his eyes is too much for me to take. If I look too long, I’ll be tempted to bare my soul and that’s a burden I won’t place on him.
My problems are my own. I made them. I will be the one to fix them, if I can.
And if I can’t fix them, then I have to be prepared to walk away from Nick before my past brushes any closer to him and his world.
I’ve already let it come too damn close.
I close my eyes, summoning an evenness to my voice that I don’t feel. “What I’m thinking is I’m a mess and I need to take a shower.”
As I start to roll away from him, his hand clamps down on my wrist. He’s not playing. There is no give in his grasp. My retreat stalled, I have no choice but to turn back to him.
“Tell me, Avery.”
“Tell you what?”
His stare is hard, his grip on my arm unyielding. “What’s going on with you? You’ve been different . . . distant. Something’s got you upset.”
I swallow past the knot of fear that’s resided in my throat since my confrontation with Rodney.
I don’t want to lie to Nick. I can’t betray his trust when he’s given me no reason to feel unsafe with him. But I can’t tell him what I’m going through.
I can’t tell him what I’ve done.
No one can know. That was the promise I gave my mother nine years ago.
If I could go back in time now and undo it, I would.
I would give anything to go back and convince my mother to let me stay at her side instead of leaving her to clean up my mess.
Everything I have—my life, my freedom, this amazing man and the love I feel for him—is a gift I wouldn’t have if not for my mother’s sacrifice.
I would undo all of it, even knowing it would mean I’d never have met Nick.
“I’ve just . . .” I force a casual shrug. “I’ve got a lot on my mind, that’s all.”
“So, tell me about it.” I should know better than to try to dodge him. He only studies me closer, his sharp gaze narrowing. “When is the last time you spoke to her?”
I must look surprised, maybe even shocked. When I can’t summon words, Nick lets go of my wrist but brings his hand up to cradle the side of my face.
“Don’t say you haven’t been worried about your mother, Avery. You’ve been avoiding talking about her for days. And it’s not like you were very forthcoming before then.” His gaze searches mine. “We should go see her. I want to talk to her about her legal representation and start putting that ball in motion.”
Panic crawls up my spine. “Nick, you don’t have to—”
“I know I don’t.” His thumb caresses my cheek. “I want to do it. For you, and for her. I’ve already got Beck working on a few contacts. We should have a new defense team put together in a couple of weeks.”
“What?” I can’t control the sharpness of my reply. I’m shocked. More than that, I’m alarmed and gripped with a new kind of dread. “You didn’t tell me anything about this.”
“Actually, I did. I mentioned what I wanted to do at lunch that day at Gavin’s restaurant.”
I remember the conversation, of course. I’d been just as opposed to the idea then, and he’d said nothing about giving his attorney orders to begin the process. My mother won’t want this, and he has no idea what he’ll be stirring up if her case were to be reopened.
“You didn’t even ask me, Nick.” I pull away from him, sliding to the edge of the bed. “You have no right to insert yourself into my life like this!”
