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Coward, my inner voice taunts. It’s not quite what I wanted to say but maybe it’s a way to ease into it. Even with as much time as we’ve spent together over the past two weeks, we still haven’t spent a whole night together. It’s like this unspoken line that we haven’t crossed. But if Milo stays all night, then I can build up to telling him what these past few weeks have meant to me. So much has happened so fast, but I want him to know how I’m feeling.
Then it all comes crashing down.
“You know, I never thought I’d say this but I honestly don’t feel like fucking.” Milo hangs his head in mock shame. “This is rock bottom.”
I laugh weakly. “We can just relax and watch some TV then. We’ve both been hunching over our computers a lot but I give really good back massages.”
Warnings are blaring in the back of my mind. Danger. Desperation alert. It’s like I can hear myself and I’m trying to stop the words falling out of my mouth but I can’t. I just keep digging the hole deeper.
“I even bought almond milk and those little cream cookies you like. The weather is supposed to be nice this weekend so it should be perfect for us to get out and get some fresh air.”
With every word out of my mouth, Milo retreats further and further. Physically he
’s still there but I can feel him pulling inward. Until finally, he kisses my forehead.
“Are you trying to take care of me, Mya?” There’s a hint of amusement in his voice. Almost like he’s laughing at me.
That hurts more than the rejection.
“I have a lot of errands to run, actually. So I’d better go. I’ll see you on Monday.”
I watch helplessly as he puts on his coat and the door shuts behind him.
Ariana must have radar because she gives me plenty of space after he leaves. I go through the motions of tidying the living room before retreating to my room and changing into my oldest, comfiest pajamas.
Why did I ask him to stay?
As I’m brushing my teeth, I mentally review all the reasons getting in deep with Milo is a bad idea. I’ve always been a list maker so it’s only natural. Maybe a list of all the reasons this is a terrible idea will convince my head, heart and that brazen hussy between my thighs to stick with the program.
Pro: Makes me feel alive.
Con: Emotionally unavailable.
My heart sinks a little at that one. Milo has never brought a girlfriend to any company event or even referred to any of the women in his life in a permanent way. Why would I think I’d be the exception?
Pro: Takes great care of me when I’m drunk and ridiculous.
Con: Um…
Ok, there’s really no downside to that one. The memory of Milo cooking me breakfast in his underwear will forever be #boyfriendgoals. He’s the best boyfriend I’ve ever had except for the teensy, eensy, little part about him not actually being mine.
Pro: Smart and supports my career!
Con: He’s your biggest competition.
A smile crosses my lips. Being my competition isn’t as much of a negative as I originally thought it would be. Competing with Milo is strangely a turn on. Mainly because I love watching his brain at work. He seems to enjoy that with me as well, which has been a lovely surprise.
Pro: He’s a god in bed.
Con: Goes through women like tissues.
I spit out the toothpaste. That right there is reason enough for me to back off. He likes being footloose and screwing different women in bar bathrooms on the weekends. He likes his life the way it is. Why would he want to change it?
Pro: I love him.
Con: Doesn’t love me back.
List making isn’t really as effective as it used to be. It’s honestly just making me feel stupid that I thought he was feeling the same thing. Did I really think that a few weeks with me would turn him into boyfriend material?
