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Chapter Twenty-Five – Jess
People always say they prefer pain to being numb. If I had a choice at this moment, I would take whatever pill they could give me to avoid feeling this crushing sensation in my heart. And more than the pain, I’d do anything to eradicate the feelings of dread I have right now. I don’t want to raise a baby alone. I don’t want my baby growing up without a father. But more than that, I don’t want to force Chris to be a dad when that’s the last thing he wants. I won’t be an obligation to him, and neither will our baby.
Emptiness seeps in, and with it, a feeling of unease. Until I met Chris, I never knew what it was like to feel really loved and cared for. I’ve always felt outside of love. I knew my parents loved each other. That much was obvious. They did everything for each other and championed and protected each other fiercely. So much so that I always felt like I was an unwanted guest in my own home. Sure, they cared for me. They made sure I mostly had what I needed. They never verbally or mentally abused me, but when it came down to it, the most important thing in their lives was each other and booze. Can’t forget the booze. With Chris, I felt like I had a chance at the life I dreamed of. I figured with a little time, he’d start opening up about his job, and we’d work on the rest, but that wasn’t the case. How did I not know he didn’t want children?
When Chris closed the door, it felt like my stomach detonated along with that very final click of the door. With every step he took to the car, I wished more than anything I could call him back and tell him it was okay, children weren’t a hard limit. But none of that was true. My hands pressed against my stomach, and I knew with every fiber of my soul that I wanted this baby. And even if I hadn’t been pregnant, even if Chris and I had years to make a decision that was dropped on him tonight. I knew without a doubt that I could never give up my dreams of having a family. Even if it means that a little part of me died with that decision.
Chris’s truck starts, and I hug my knees to myself and feel the tears slide down my cheeks. This has to be the most brutal breakup ever. When a relationship goes bad, you have anger and bitterness on your side to dull the pain until you’re ready to deal with the devastation. But not in this instance. We love each other. We just want different things from life. Our deal breakers are more than hard limits. They are irreversible.
The sob I’ve been holding onto tears out of me, and it hurts to breathe. I want to pick up the phone and hear Chris’s voice one last time, but I know it will only make things worse.
I get up from the couch and move to the bedroom. The bed in the center of the room assaults me with memories. Our baby was conceived on this bed where Chris lovingly gazed into my eyes and slid into me. Memories of how he looks at me when he comes bombard me, and I squeeze my eyes shut. I rip the sheets off the bed, unable to stand the smell of him lingering in the room. I will not curl up into a pathetic ball and sniff our sheets. There’s that word again, “our.” There is no more “our.” Okay, so maybe just ten minutes. I’ll give myself ten minutes to hold on to the sheets and pretend that my world didn’t just end.
I walk over to the candy-striped chair, blocking out the memory of Chris going down on me and curl up with the bundle of sheets. His scent envelops me, and the tears come even faster. I must be a sucker for punishment, because this was a terrible idea.
My phone rings, and without looking at the screen, I know who it is.
“Hey,” I force some cheer into my voice.
“Did you tell him?” Skyla’s barely contained excitement is palpable.
“Nope.”
“Why the hell not? You’re killing me here.”
“He doesn’t want kids.”
“What do you mean he doesn’t want kids?”
I hug the sheet tighter to me and take a deep breath.
“When Tatum went down, I asked him how he felt about kids and how many he wants. Sky, kids are a deal breaker for him. He doesn’t want any.”
The line is silent for the longest time, and then Skyla blows out a breath. “Maybe things will be different once he knows you’re pregnant? I never thought much about kids myself till I found out I was pregnant with Tatum. Maybe if you just tell him…”
“I won’t do that to him, Sky. I won’t trap him that way.”
I feel myself getting mad. Skyla, of all people, should know what it’s like to love someone so much you refuse to burden them. When she found out she was pregnant with Jensen’s baby after the serum was used on them, she didn’t want Jensen to feel worse for betraying Trent, so she told him he wasn’t the father of her baby. It hurt Jensen to no end, but Skyla felt certain it would be better than having to live with the guilt of knowing he’d not only slept with Skyla while under the influence, but that they were also going to have a child together.
“Please, Sky, I don’t want him to be with me because of some sense of obligation.”
“Jess, I know you wouldn’t do anything like that, but you’re being ridiculous. He proposed to you, for goodness sake. He loves you.”
“You have to promise me you won’t tell him about the baby.”
“Jess—”
“Skyla, promise me.”
Another long pause, and then Skyla moans. “Fine, but if he finds out, he’s going to kill me.”
“Thank you.” My breath rushes out of me.
“I’ll be over in fifteen minutes. I’ll have some coffee, you can have sparkling water, and I’ll bring little Miss Tee home so you can get some rest.”
“Oh no, you don’t have to do that. Tatum is fast asleep, and I’m gonna go to bed myself. Don’t uproot her. I’m fine, I promise.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.” I don’t want to wake up to an empty house tomorrow.
“Okay, call me in the morning? We can go for breakfast and talk smack about Chris.”
I feel the tears sting behind my smile. I wish there was something to say, anything to say that would make me feel better about losing him. But there isn’t. Chris was everything to me.
He still is.
I end the call with Skyla and head to the garage to retrieve the boxes that Chris had so efficiently disassembled and flattened when we moved in together. One by one, I filled the boxes with his clothes and then start on my stuff. I label them and put them in separate corners. Finally, when only the essentials are left, I stretch and look at the clock. It’s 4:15 AM.
I take myself off to what used to be my and Chris’s room and grab the comforter and curl up on the bed. So much for not being a pathetic mess that sniffs her ex’s scent. I know I only have about two hours till Tatum wakes up and Skyla gets here. I better get some rest. Closing my eyes, I wish this was all a dream, but know it isn’t.
