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Jenni
Theweekendendedup being magical, and I didn’t want it to end. I need to know that he’s in this with me. I want to know where we’re going. I know I was acting like a typical clingy girl, but I couldn’t bring myself to just go back home without defining what we are.
The thought festered in my mind all weekend, until Sunday afternoon as I was getting ready to leave when I just blurted it out.
“What are we?”
“Huh?” He looks up at me like a deer caught in headlights from where he’s gathering my bags to bring to my car.
“I feel like we got so much closer this weekend. I need to know if we are going somewhere or if this is just for fun until something better comes along.”
“Something better?” he asks in confusion. “But you’re my girlfriend.”
“Right. But where do you see this going? I mean we live two hours away, we barely get to see each other. You live here, your job is here. I have another year in school, will we be able to deal with that? What if I get a job after I graduate and it’s not close? What then?”
“Uh…”
“Do you see this being a permanent thing? What will we do if we can’t physically be together? When you have to work and can’t come to visit me, or when I have school work to do or my internship and can’t come here? When we go weeks without seeing each other? Can we survive that? Where do you see this going?” The panic courses through my body as I think of all the very real scenarios that can come between us.
“I… umm…”
“Oh my God. What if we can’t? Maybe we need to take time before we take things any further and think things through. We need to decide if this can really work long term.” And with that I grab my bag from his hand as he stands in shock staring slack-jawed and wide-eyed at me as I walk out the door before my panic attack can really take hold.
It isn’t until I hit the highway that the weight of my words really hit me. What the hell is wrong with me? What was I thinking? Of course it’s worth it. He’s worth it.
What did I just do?
