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Chapter 30
Phin
I had been back on the streets for a week, and it was so much harder this time. When I had come back from LA, it was a hard transition, but I did it because I didn't have a choice. Living a regular life for a week with Lizzie had softened me just enough to make this an even harder transition. Most of all, I just missed Lizzie, and I wasn't sure if I could stay away.
After I'd had time to calm down and think, I realized I had overreacted, but I was still scared. The fear of my father's beatings had overwhelmed me that night. Would she forgive me if I went back?
I'd let my parents fuck up my life for years, and I was sick of it. Knowing that Lizzie had a working relationship with them was an added concern now. Would they blame her? Could they cause trouble for her charity? Could I let them keep screwing everything up for me? I wasn't sure I was ready to go there, no matter how much I missed Lizzie. All these irrational thoughts overwhelmed me. I hoped when I was finally ready to see Lizzie again, she'd have me back and forgive me for leaving. I wouldn't blame her if she told me to leave her alone and never darken her doorstep again, but now on the cold streets, I had to believe in her. Right now, I am not sure how long I can live out here without that hope to survive. Hope had been my one lifeline, and now I felt it was gone.
Fuck, I missed Duke. I wanted to call him, but I didn't want him to know that I didn’t have his phone anymore. I was also afraid he'd be able to tell from the desperation in my voice that things weren't right. I'd find a pay phone and call him once I was able to hide my sadness. Unfortunately, his friend's numbers were in the phone I'd left at Lizzie's so I couldn't even contact them for help. I had some money in the bus locker, but I was hesitant to spend any of it.
Every day I sat across the street from our café in an abandoned doorway. I pulled my hood up over my head, so I was invisible again. The first week I waited for her to get her coffee, but she never came. I wondered if she was okay, but I'd given up my right to worry about her when I'd walked out of her door. At the beginning of the second week, I realized she wasn't coming for her coffee.
My heart and my head were at war, and currently, my head was winning. My heart was always the weaker of my two organs, so I decided I had to stay away from the café because it reminded me of her.
The library was a warm sanctuary where I could go and get lost for a bit. I could use the computers there to check my email, as I hadn't bothered all week while I was at Lizzie's. My breath left my lungs when I saw she had written to me. The subject line was: Why?
Phin,
Why did you leave? Are you okay? I am worried about you. I don't have your address. You left your phone. How will you get the cash for your work?
You should have trusted me; I wouldn’t do anything with that file. I swear! My assistant Hope made it without my permission. I was going to give it to you.
Miss you.
Love,
Lizzie
I rested my head on the desk, wanting to reply. Of course, she hadn't collected that information. It was her assistant.
"What a dumbass," I said to the computer. I lightly pounded my head on the library desk. The obvious torment and heartbreak in the email cut me in two. Even after finding out the truth, I still couldn't reach out to her. The fear of telling her all about the beatings and living on the streets overwhelmed me. I'd never felt physical pain like this in my life, not even from the worst beatings I had endured from my father. The fury welled in me, but I had no outlet. At that moment, I missed my workouts with Duke. I missed him so much, I wanted to scream, cry and hit something so I pounded my fist on the desk. People in the library started looking at me, so I needed to calm down. I couldn't risk getting kicked out of the library; it was a sanctuary for me.
I had to get away from the computer before I hit reply. Picking up my bag, I found the journal I'd begun keeping when I'd left home because it was something to do during the day to pass the time. I pulled the journal out of my backpack and read some of the entries I'd written during the past few years. None of these entries recounted the feelings of anger and loss that I felt now. Sadly, I'd never loved anything enough before to handle this kind of loss. All I could do was write down my feelings for Elizabeth and hope it would alleviate the pain that radiated through me. Sitting for hours, I wrote until my hand cramped. The waves of anger had subsided for now, but I still felt like I was slowly drowning. The only thing I could do was tread water and hope that I didn't crash against the rocks before it was too late. I was adrift with no port on the horizon.
Lizzie
I found it easy to hide from my family and friends because often after the charity event I would disappear to recover from all the work. Being holed up in my house was easy to do for the first week. The week after was tougher because Hope was persistent, and she'd called me daily. She continued to threaten to stop by uninvited if I didn't return her messages.
Her voice mail was the one thing that had made me smile. "Hey, lady, hope you are feeling better. I haven't told the boss that you aren't sick but home wallowing over Phin. You've got this week, and then I am blowing the whistle. Get it together, or I will come over there and Silkwood shower your ass. You know I will." I let out a small laugh because I knew she would. She might be small, but she was mighty. "Now, get out of bed and dust off the cobwebs." There was a pause, but the message hadn't ended, I was about to hang up. "Elizabeth, I am so sorry, but it will all be fine, I promise." Hope lived up to her name at that moment, but I wasn't sure I had any reason to believe her.
The TV, alcohol, and ice cream had kept me company while I wallowed in my pit of sadness, and watching marathons of Bravo's Housewives weren't helping me feel any better about myself.
My body clock was out of whack because I’d spent most days drinking and sleeping. My daily routine had become a cycle of waking up with some wine, and then when the bottle was finished, I moved onto vodka. I hadn't left the house or cleaned up since Phin left, the place was a mess, and I was running out of food. I sniffed and realized I would need to break out the Febreze soon too.
I checked my phone, and it was two thirty a.m., so I stayed on the couch and watch a John Hughes marathon. I hated when they showed them on television, the edits and the dubbing were annoying, but now I didn't care. Changing Long Duck Dongs name didn't make it any more politically correct. By the time Breakfast Club was over, I felt no pain, and it was four forty-five a.m. I staggered back to bed and got under my duvet. The mattress still smelled faintly of Phin as I burrowed into the pillow to try to keep his smell burned into my memory and find sleep. Sleep helped me to pass the days, but there was no peace awake or in my dreams. These days my dreams were about Phin, and I always woke up reaching out for him in the space next to me. Waking up was like the movie Groundhog Day, but a lot less funny.
The sound of a phone ringing woke me up. The ring wasn’t like mine, so I knew it had to be Phin’s phone. I’d hoped he’d call, so I left it charging on my nightstand next to my bed. I rolled over and looked at the screen. The name on the screen was Duke. Phin had never mentioned a man named Duke, but maybe he would know where Phin was or how to contact him. Not caring about personal privacy, I picked up the phone.
"Hello, kid." A deep gravelly voice hit me; I was almost scared to speak.
"This isn’t Phin, but this is his phone."
The raspy laugh put me at ease. "Looking for Phin, honey. Can I speak to him?"
The realization he didn't know where Phin was urged me to speak.
"No, he's gone."
There was silence on the line; I thought maybe he'd hung up. Then I think I heard a growl and a curse word.
"My name is Duke and Phin's like a son to me. The little shit is back living on the streets again, isn't he? Can you help me find him?"
I let out a long breath, and the tension started to leave my body. This stranger knew Phin had lived on the streets, I knew this was Phin's secret, but he hadn't shared it with me. I wouldn't worry about being angry right now; I knew this man would help me find Phin and bring him home.
"Yes, I can help you."
