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WEST, AKA THE HEROIC SAVIOR
I’m a little worriedthat seeing Alexis decked out as a clown will kill my love boner. I should have taken a picture of her when she was dressed in her normal getup. That way, I could remind myself of the chick under the makeup.
In all honesty, clowns have always freaked me out. I watched too many horror movies. I even had a literal nightmare about Art the Clown from “Terrifier.” He killed Tuesday in the vilest way. The dream felt so vivid that I woke up my sister and hugged her. Nearly lost a testicle in the process, but totally worth it.
Penny’s Best Pizzeria is my second-favorite pizza restaurant in Tumbling Rock, and we only have two. But this is where my dream girl makes her money, so I’ll find something to eat.
My cousin Rie used to bring her girls here a lot since it’s down the street from our family’s store. With her moving south with her new man, Tempting Treats could use a new employee to pick up the slack. A better job means Alexis wouldn’t need to wear horrifying clown makeup to afford to sleep on her cousin’s couch. Problem solved!
As soon as I enter the pizzeria, Kimmy bats her big blue eyes in my direction. Normally, I’d fricking love that shit. But I have Alexis now.
I really ought to send a message to all my former hookups to let them know I’m off the market. Maybe I can wear a shirt stating “Heart Claimed by Alexis Fontaine.” No, my siblings would burn that crap on the first day. If not, my father would steal my shirt and use it to mock me forever. I guess a mass text ought to do the trick.
“I’m here to see my girlfriend,” I tell Kimmy, who tries to fondle my buff chest.
Her gaze flashes to the dining room filled with three families and three single chicks. She spots Juno and Zelda and shakes her head.
“No,” Kimmy mumbles, thoroughly unimpressed.
“You’re right,” I explain and point at my dream girl in her adorable clown getup. “That’s my Alexis.”
“Why?” Kimmy asks.
“She doesn’t always look like a clown.”
Kimmy’s a cute chick with big blue eyes always heavily lined and sporting super fake lashes. She’s got a sexy 1970s-feathered-hair look, too. Real hottie, so she thinks she knows what men want. And she can’t see anything special about Alexis.
Which is fine. I don’t want anyone else checking out my dream girl. Only I should get a boner by looking at her.
“Excuse me,” I say to Kimmy, who keeps blocking my way. “And don’t mess with my chick’s feelings, or I’ll tell everyone you gave me the clap.”
Kimmy gasps. “You lying liar.”
“If you behave, no one needs to witness my talent for false truths,” I whisper and walk around her.
Penny sets out a sign reading, “Come see Lexi the Clown! Balloon animals, face painting, singing!”
“You can sing?” I ask as Alexis preps her table.
She watches me with her gloriously dark blue eyes. I feel her thinking I’m the hottest man to walk the face of the earth. She wouldn’t be wrong.
“Everyone can sing, West,” she says softly. “A guy in our trailer park was a deaf-mute. He’d go to bars and sit with his hands against the stage as bands played. He’d sense the beat and howl with the songs. Now, the guy wasn’t winning any Grammys, but he sang in his own way.”
“What I meant is can you sing well?”
“My talents fall between him and Adele.”
“I feel like that’s a very wide range.”
Alexis smirks. “Then, I described my skills correctly.”
When I lean down to kiss her purple lips, she nearly falls over a chair while scrambling to get away from me.
“No horn-dogging the child entertainer, you oaf,” she mutters and smiles at the kids bouncing in their seats nearby. “You’ll mess up my makeup and scar them for life.”
“Childhood trauma makes people strong,” I say and shrug as her boss inches closer. “Hello, Penny. What clever, innovative ways you’ve come up with to market your lovely establishment.”
Penny eyeballs me before looking at her clown. Alexis ignores us both and starts inflating a long balloon.
