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“Are you here to cause trouble?” Penny finally asks me.
“I plan to spend a lot of money here today while watching my girlfriend entertain your customers. Is that the kind of trouble you’re worried about?”
Penny isn’t sure about me. Alexis also gives her a sad shrug as if I’m an unleashed menace. Finally, Penny walks off and says something to Kimmy.
“Don’t get me fired, please,” Alexis whispers.
“If that happens, I’ll get you a better job.”
Alexis’s eyes and mouth pop wider as she gasps, “You’re my savior.”
After realizing she’s mocking me, I gently play with the pom-poms on her head. She casually shoves me away as a little boy arrives.
At first, I get a seat at a table alone. Then, I remember how Alexis got her feelings hurt yesterday when I showed utter disdain for the Toomey family. Soon, I plant my ass on a seat at her cousins’ table.
“We aren’t looking to join your harem,” mutters the freckled brunette.
“Wait, now, maybe we could work something out,” adds the freckled blonde.
“Look, ladies, I have zero interest in you as human beings. However, you are cousins and friends with that sexy clown over there. That’s why I’ll pay for your meal and pretend to find you fascinating. If you could just go along with that, I’d much appreciate it.”
The freckled brunette mutters, “We’re not looking to be bought by a rich thug.”
The freckled blonde adds, “Wait, now, maybe we could work something out.”
“I can already tell I’m going to get along real well with one of you.”
“Pushover dried pimple,” Brunette tells her sister.
“Aggressive nose hairs,” Blonde replies.
“Ladies, don’t fight with each other. Or me, for that matter. Just order another slice of pizza and a second drink, and stop poking at each other. You’re distracting me from Alexis.”
The sisters look at each other and then back at me before the brunette asks, “Do you remember our names?”
“No. Well, yes, you’re Juno and Zelda. However, I don’t remember which name goes with which chick.”
“You’re going to want to keep my name stuck in your fat head,” Juno says after reintroducing herself. “I’m the one who thinks you’re a catch.”
“I’m not impressed in the least,” Zelda adds. “However, I do like free shit, so can I have a meat lovers’ slice?”
“Order whatever you want.”
“Anything?”
Once I nod, they order spaghetti, lasagna, and a pie. When I frown, they remind me how they already have pizza at their place. Shrugging, I focus on Alexis and ignore her cousins bickering over food.
My dream girl makes balloon animals—a dog for the boy, a flower for the girl, an elephant for the old lady who once referred to me as “hot pastrami.” Soon, Alexis paints faces. The boy gets a nifty spiderweb design on one eye. The girl gets done up like a puppy. The old lady looks like a butterfly landed on her face.
When Greta King notices me watching, she winks seductively. I swear that woman will go to her grave sexually harassing me.
More people soon show up. I suspect the moms of the first two kids texted their friends. Now, Penny’s place is filled with hyper munchkins waiting for their turn to get a balloon animal and a painted face.
Kimmy tries to clear my table three times, claiming Penny wants the space for new customers. I remind my ex-hookup how I will burn down this pizzeria if I’m not offered special treatment. She tells Penny, who stares horrified at me from across the room.
The cousins realize I’m causing trouble. So, when I smile and wave at Penny, they do the same. I’ve already turned these Toomey weirdos into a fan club.
Alexis remains oblivious to us as she works her way through the kids. I sense she’s running out of supplies, though. She likely underestimated the number of kids—and elderly people, including my hermit great-grandfather, Zeb—who would hit up her services. I send Juno over to see if Alexis needs anything. When the blonde says yes, I send her and Zelda to pick up supplies before the stores close.
Taking a break from the face painting and balloon animals, Alexis sings several songs and plays her ukulele. I know she’s only biding time. Alexis clearly doesn’t know how to explain the situation to the waiting kids and seventy-year-old John Jon Border, who wants to be a tiger. Despite being stuck, Alexis hides her panic well.
But when the cousins return with more balloons and face paint, Alexis’s gaze flashes to me. I’m rewarded with the biggest smile. So, yeah, I ended up being her savior after all.
