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Alexis stares panicked at the ceiling. “I shouldn’t be thinking about kids. I’ve never wanted any. But I’ve had it on my mind endlessly since your dick squirted inside me. Now, I’m paranoid.”
“We don’t have to have a kid.”
Alexis squirms onto her side and frowns at me. “But you want them.”
“I want you more.”
“What happens in a few years when I’m not special anymore? You’ll wish you asked for more.”
“You’ll always be special to me,” I say, wrapping an arm across her and rubbing her back. “But maybe not everything needs to be planned out.”
Alexis’s gaze takes in the sight of my blue walls. “I never would have gotten away from Fork Falls without a plan. I tried letting life guide me, but I never got anywhere.”
“Well, yeah, you need a plan to get from one place to another. But you’re at your destination. We can let life guide us now.”
“No,” she says, sounding breathless.
“I feel like we can.”
“You’re wrong. Having kids or not having them requires a plan. That house you want to build involves planning. Much of your life doesn’t need a strategy, but those things do.”
“Are you saying I’m spoiled?”
Alexis struggles before admitting, “You know you are. You’ll become president, not because you overthrow the current guy. You’re just waiting for him to get tired of the job. There’s no big strategy. You’re the best of his nephews. You said his son only lives here part-time. You don’t need to plan that move. But with kids, you do. Like why do you want one? For that matter, why do you want me? Why is all this happening?”
Hearing the panic in her voice, I cuddle closer and stroke her flushed cheek. “Look, had I known where you were, I’d have come to Fork Falls and taken you away from there. Now, I might have needed to wait a while since you were still a teenager. However, I would have come for you. Since I didn’t know your location, you had to work your ass off to get to me.”
“I’m greedy,” she blurts out. “I want everything. I want a nice home, cute kids, money, and a close family. I want what other people get, but I never figured I had a shot at such a life. So, I dreamed small. Now, you’re offering everything to me. Though I should shut up and take it, I feel guilty.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re always taking care of me, and I don’t do anything for you,” she says, seeming like a confused kid as she pouts. “There are two kinds of Toomeys. One group is scrappy and works hard for peanuts. The other is lazy and steals everything, only to end up with nothing.”
Alexis presses my hand against her chest, needing something.
“Gary is in the second group. I tried to be that way, too, but I could never steal enough to get ahead. So, I thought I’d try being scrappy. But I don’t know how my first day as Lexi the Clown would have gone without you. I’m taking and taking from you. I tell myself it’s okay because you have everything while I have nothing. You’re willingly offering me stuff, so I’m not a bad person to accept it. But then, I think of how much I like you. That’s when I feel guilty.”
“But you’re not a Toomey,” I say, and she rolls her eyes. “You’re better. You have talents and beauty and intelligence. You’re better.”
“No, I’m not. All Toomeys have something they can do, but we never amount to anything or get ahead. Even those with nicer houses are always on the verge of losing everything. We aren’t cursed, but we’re unlucky.”
“And me loving you is too good to trust?” I ask, finally wrapping my head around how Alexis sees the world.
“I want you,” she says with a determined tone. “For years, I sat in my trailer and dreamed I would have more. I believed with my whole heart that I would do better than the other Toomeys. Or even the Fontaines, who are more con men than petty thieves. I’d be smarter, work harder, think long term, and do all the stuff people claim will get you ahead in life. But I remained stuck in that trailer, year after year. Now, I have a chance at something far better than I imagined. I was just hoping for an apartment and maybe a used car. But you’re offering me easy street, and I want to grab the prize. I deserve it, right? But maybe not, though. What if I’m just a loser who’s fallen for a man too spoiled and maybe dumb to figure out what he’s settling for?”
“I’m not dumb.”
Alexis sighs. “You keep saying you love me.”
“Because you’re awesome.”
“Why?”
“You’re so beautiful, Alexis,” I say as my fingers slide along the bare flesh between her shirt and shorts. “You can also do balloon animals, play the ukulele, and read fortunes. You’re cool and wild and different and special. I’m spoiled enough to think I deserve someone like you. Why should I settle for an average country girl who’s never dressed like a clown?”
Though Alexis tries to see herself like I do, her sad eyes make me think she’s blind to her own qualities.
“You seemed confident when we met,” I say when she remains silent.
“Yeah, because I was the best damn Toomey a Toomey could be. But now, with your family, I remember I’m just a Toomey.”
“But you’re not. You’re Alexis. You make me happy like no one else can. Everything feels better since you came back into my life. After meeting you, I found myself admiring the moon. It felt like an amazing new sight. Food tastes and smells better. I wake up feeling great. Even if you don’t mean to make that happen, that’s all you.”
Alexis studies my face. She wears an expression both blissfully happy and painfully sad. She wants to dream big yet fears flopping hard.
Despite my best efforts, I can’t imagine her life growing up. I’m unable to picture what she did the day before I saw her on the street. In another life, I would have shown up at her trailer park and swept her away. But that wasn’t how things panned out.
Instead, Alexis returned to me. No matter how confused she is about my feelings and her future, I know we make sense.
