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WEST, AKA BOYFRIEND OF THE BALLSY BABE
Alexis chooses to dialup the drama rather than play passive. A bold yet smart move from my dream girl. After all, my family doesn’t trust submissive people. My cousin Matilda only gets a pass because of her shitty childhood.
But when my cousin Otto brought around his girlfriend, Betty, she tried to be super nice and normal. My family just ignored her. Finally, she lost her temper and called them all queen bitches. They very much appreciated her revealing a steel spine.
Tuesday decides Alexis poking at Auntie Justice deserves background music. The next thing I know, my sister is dancing to “Stacy’s Mom” like she’s trying to win a contest. Not a dance one, but a competition to see who can steal most of the spotlight.
“I fucked your uncle to this song,” Justice announces, challenging my sister in the contest.
Queen Meemaw Christine shakes her head as if disappointed in her girls for being so stupid.
I smile at the usual show. Auntie Journey ignores her sister and niece having a drama dance-off and focuses her attention on Alexis.
“Your father is a Toomey. How is he related to Trey-Trey Toomey?”
“They’re half brothers twice removed,” Alexis replies immediately.
“What does that mean?”
“It’s my way of saying I don’t know.”
Journey continues with her line of questioning, “Are you close to your Toomey family?”
“I’m living with two of them now.”
“These aren’t local Toomeys,” I say, jumping into the fray since my dream girl shouldn’t feel alone in this drama storm.
Alexis nods. “They’re Given Toomey’s daughters.”
“I don’t know who that is,” Journey mutters as if offended anyone would think she could keep track of the Toomey tribes living throughout the state.
“Well, I don’t know what to tell you. She’s related to someone named Toomey. As am I.”
“Is your father in Tumbling Rock?” Justice asks, shoving Journey aside. “Should we invite him to dinner tonight? Have a real family affair.”
“He’s currently traveling to Tumbling Rock. In about a week, you can invite him to dinner.”
My aunt frowns. “Why so long?”
“He’s poor.”
“Don’t do that,” Justice says, narrowing her eyes. “I refuse to be guilted. Won’t have it.”
“I also never feel guilt,” Tuesday announces and hip thrusts in our aunt’s direction. “I once let out Warren Beatty when he kept whining for freedom. He immediately, I mean, like in the first minute, chased down a little bunny, killed it, and brought the corpse to the door. Do I feel guilty? Of course not.”
I roll my eyes, knowing what comes next.
“Oh, God, that bunny!” Tuesday wails. “I killed a bunny using an assassin.”
While Ma-Poppy once again consoles Tuesday over her murder of an innocent rabbit, Alexis looks at me.
“Warren Beatty is a cat, right? I’m just trying to follow what’s happening here.”
“Yes. We got him at the same time as Shirley MacLaine,” I explain and add when Alexis still seems confused, “Those actors are siblings.”
“Oh,” she says with exaggerated glee. “I get it.”
“Enough about dead bunnies and the dumb blondes who called in their hits,” Justice announces and smiles at her niece and sister flipping her off from the couch. “I want to know more about this clown girlfriend you have, West.”
