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My stomach tried plummeting out of my arse. “How–? What do you mean?”
“I just assumed I wasn’t enough. I didn’t have any reason to think you were with other people. But I never told myself you weren’t. There wasn’t reason for you not to be.”
“How could you think…?”
No! No reason at all. I just got far more than I needed – or thought I needed – from her, both physically and emotionally. I didn’t need or want anyone or anything else. I wasn’t just content. I was happy. I was there for her, and she was there for me. We were monogamous. We…
I ran my hand through my hair as it hit me. I turned away, feeling like I wasn’t just the biggest dickhead in history, but a total idiot as well.
“Fuck! This isn’t happening…”
I was a piece of shit. It wasn’t news to me, but it didn’t make it feel any better.
“What’s not happening?” she asked.
I turned back to her. My laugh was anything but humoured. “You’re telling me we may as well have been dating. We may as well have… Fuck! It’s all my fault. I had everything I never knew I wanted, and I just stupidly let you go.”
She crossed her arms. “Roman, what do you want from me?”
“Short of turning back time? Nothing,” I scoffed.
Why had I been such a blind arsehole? I’d given her everything I thought I couldn’t. I’d put her first. I’d been there for her. We’d been good together. And I’d gone and been typical Roman and fucked it up.
“Honestly, Roman?” she asked quietly.
“Always, Piper. You know that.”
“Yes.”
“Yes?”
“Yes, we may as well have been dating. I don’t know if it was all your fault. I suspect I’m as much to blame as you. I can’t say if you had everything. But I was there, Roman. Right there and you did just let me go. And now I don’t know what to do.” She shrugged. “I don’t even know where Mason and I stand. I don’t know if we’re actually dating – if he’s my boyfriend – or if we’re not quite there yet. It’s confusing and hard and it’s not supposed to be. Then, you tell me all this and I don’t know what to do with it! Am I supposed to dump Mason? I don’t know what you want from me, Roman!”
Rocco was right. I ruined everything I touched; Piper included. Well, no more. I wasn’t going to risk ruining her anymore than I already had. What did I want from her? Everything. But I couldn’t tell her.
“I don’t want anything from you, Piper. I just… Whatever we were, we were always honest, and I couldn’t not be honest with you. Don’t break up with Carter. I’ve got nothing to offer you. Nothing’s changed.”
“Nothing’s changed?” she yelled, and I knew she had a right to be angry. But angry was good. Angry was better. “Oh, so you just selfishly decided to drop this bomb on me and tell me it ultimately changes nothing?”
“Selfishly?” I spat. In what way was bearing my soul selfish?
“Yes. If you’re not asking me to dump Mason for you then this whole thing was for you. I get we do honesty, Roman. And I appreciate the fact that that extends to everything uncomfortable. But this? This is beyond uncomfortable. You think telling me I’m in your heart isn’t going to change anything? Fuck, Roman! I thought friends put the other one first. This is anything but putting me first.”
She was livid. I could count on one hand the numbers of times I’d seen Piper Barlow angry. None of them looked like this. This took the cake. She was beyond angry. She wanted to hit something.
“God knows I fucking love you, Roman. But I’d managed to stop myself falling completely in love with you because we all knew where that would lead. You can’t come here and tell me you can’t get me out of your heart and expect me to be unaffected by that! It just doesn’t work that way.”
“Piper–”
“You’ve just ruined everything, Roman! I can’t–” Her voice broke again, and I resisted the urge to go to her. “Why couldn’t you leave well enough alone? Why couldn’t we both go on as we were? I can’t live in denial when I know the truth. I can’t be friends with you knowing we both want more and can’t give it. What the hell makes naïve little Piper Barlow so special that the aloof Roman Lombardi just can’t help himself to feelings for once? Where is that typical Roman steel? The brush-off? The cavalier nonchalance? I just don’t–”
Those were all questions I was asking myself. The only answer I had was that she was the only person – except my mum and Maddy – who wasn’t completely disappointed in me, who hadn’t given up on me. She let me be me without me having to apologise or feel bad.
“That’s not fair. I shouldn’t have…” she said quietly.
I shook my head, understanding what she was feeling. “No, you’re right to be angry. I shouldn’t have… I’m sorry, Piper–”
She sounded like she was holding back tears as she held up a hand. “Don’t apologise, Roman. Please.”
