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He had absolutely no idea how much it meant to me that he’d taken it upon himself to educate himself and try to learn more about what I was working through. Ever since I’d known him, even before I’d told him my story, he’d always been so patient and considerate with me, but this was by far the most thoughtful thing he’d ever done. And it just proved that I’d made the right choice in trusting him so much.
“Ky,” he murmured. “Shit. I’m sorry. I should have talked to you before I did that. I didn’t—”
“No,” I said quickly, picking my head up off his chest to look him in the eyes. “It’s not that. I just…I don’t know anyone else who would have even bothered to look for answers to their questions like that.”
He gave me a sad smile as he cupped my cheek in his hand and kissed me softly. “Then you know a bunch of assholes.”
I snorted. “Um, have you seen my social circle? I don’t know that many people, period.”
That made him chuckle. “Touché. Honestly, I didn’t find much. Nothing beyond a bunch of generic shit I’d already figured out all by myself because I’m not an idiot. Like not to force you to talk about it, be here to support you however you need, and realize we’d probably have to take things slow.”
“I hate to say it, but that makes sense,” I said as I laid my head back on his shoulder. “I’m not some big expert since I’ve never talked to anyone other than you, Braden, and Liss about any of this, but this is Psych 101 stuff. Trauma isn’t a one-size-fits-all thing. Everyone’s experiences are different, so what’s triggering for me might be totally fine for someone else.”
He squeezed me a little tighter and pressed his lips to my hairline. “That’s what I wanted to ask you. What can I do – or not do – to help you? Is there anything that youknowtriggers you, so I can make sure not to do that?”
I sniffled a little as a few more tears trickled out.
I did know of one thing that he hadn’t already figured out on his own just from what made me freeze up when we were making out. But it was one thing that made it kind of stupid for us to even consider trying to go much further than this, even if I got to a point where I was comfortable with the idea.
“I can’t stand the feeling of stretchy rubber. I didn’t like the texture even before I was assaulted, but since then…I just can’t. Like, I can’t touch balloons. When I go to the doctor, it’s all I can do not to have a panic attack when they put on neoprene gloves. It reminds me too much of…” I trailed off.
“Condoms,” he finished for me.
“It’s stupid, I know,” I mumbled.
“No, it’s not,” he said quickly. “Not even a little bit. They used them, and not only does it make you remember what that felt like, but it makes you remember the rash because you were allergic to the ones they used.”
I nodded against his shoulder. “And that makes it…complicated for us. Not that I’m ready to go there yet. I honestly don’t know when I will be.”
“It’s not that complicated. We can still be safe. But we don’t have to talk about what that looks like for us until you’re ready. And I don’t care if that doesn’t happen for years.”
“I’ve been on the pill since it happened,” I sighed. “I just…I didn’t want to risk getting pregnant if they decided they weren’t done with me. And I have my doctor test me for STIs every year when I get my physical because I know some of them can take a while to show up. Thankfully, they’ve all come back clean. That’s probably part of the reason why my mom makes assumptions about me.”
“Your mom can kiss my ass,” he muttered.
I snorted quietly. “I won’t argue with that.”
“What mother actually believes a bunch of asshole teenagers over her own daughter?” he grumbled. “That’s what I don’t get.”
“I don’t know,” I mumbled. “But that’s my mom for you. She doesn’t trust me at all, despite my never giving her a reason not to.”
“Well, I do.” He kissed the top of my head. “Implicitly. And since we’re talking about this now, I haven’t been with anyone since my ex-girlfriend in Wichita almost a year ago, and we always used protection. But I’ve got my end-of-season physical coming up in a couple of weeks, so I’ll have the doctor test me while I’m there, just to have proof of what I already know.”
“Okay,” I murmured. “Thank you. For being patient with me. And for being the kind of guy I can trust enough to let in this much.”
Ian put a hand on my cheek, and I picked my head up to look at him. Before saying anything, he brushed a soft kiss on my lips.
“I don’t know what I did to make you trust me this much, baby, but I’ll never stop being grateful that you do,” he said, barely above a whisper. “And I promise I’ll never take it for granted.”
