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“I tried so hard,” I say, shaking my head. “To fit in. To be liked. To find someone, anyone, to talk to. I just wanted a friend. I didn’t mean to do it. It was an accident. But the people wanted to catch me and put me behind bars again. Anything but another prison. I couldn’t take it, so I ran and then I came here.”
Her face darkens as she backs away slowly. The slight movement is like a spear to the heart.
“What did you do?” she asks, putting emphasis on every word.
“I killed a girl.”
Her lips part, and her pupils dilate. She immediately flinches and pulls back when I reach for her hand. “Please, don’t be mad.”
“You … killed someone?”
“No, it wasn’t like that.”
I place a hand on her leg, but she immediately gets up, hissing, “Don’t touch me.”
The sharp pang of her judgment fills me with rage. “It was an accident,” I growl.
“But you killed someone? You just said you did.”
“I did,” I reply, getting up too. “And I don’t ever pretend it’s not true because it is. I’m guilty.”
“Why? I don’t understand.” She shakes her head, stepping back one foot at a time.
“Please, listen to me. I didn’t do it on purpose.”
“Tell me what happened!” she yells.
I nod slowly, trying to reach for her, but she keeps inching backward. “I only wanted someone to talk to. A friend. And that little girl wasn’t afraid of me. The only one … so I wanted to keep her. I wanted to take her somewhere else.”
“A little girl?” she says in shock.
“I took her into the woods … beyond her home …”
“And then you murdered her,” she says through gritted teeth.
Her voice speaking my sin out loud is like a death sentence.
“I’m sorry,” I say, licking my lips. “She fought me, kicked me. I dropped her … and then when she tried to run … she fell into a deep pit.”
Disbelief—and something else—mar her face.
Something I haven’t seen in a long time.
Hatred.
“Please, you have to believe me. I didn’t mean for her to die,” I say as Jules stumbles backward.
I take a step toward her, but her voice stops me in my tracks. “No.”
“Jules,” I murmur, wishing I could turn back time.
I shouldn’t have told her.
Shouldn’t have even said a word.
At least then I’d still have a chance.
At least then … I wouldn’t have to see that face.
That face of pure disgust.
The one I’ve seen so many times.
“Jules … please.”
“Don’t,” she snaps, and then she turns around and runs back into the jungle.
A sigh leaves my mouth as I drop to the sand on both hands and knees.
It’s done. It’s finally done.
I’ve come clean, and with it, I’ve lost her.
People everywhere don’t understand what it’s like to have lived in a cage and want nothing but human contact. Real … contact. What it means to be human.
But my reasons are never enough to explain why I did the things I did.
Why I killed every fighter who dared to cross me, just so I could have my reward.
Why I let my father use me the way he did.
Why that little girl died because of me.
There is no excuse.
I did something unforgivable.
And I will keep paying the price because I deserve it.
Because she is right.
I am a monster.
Chapter Eighteen
Accompanying Song: “Coachella” by Lana Del Rey
Juliet
I’ve been stomping through the jungle the entire day, collecting leaves that I can sew together to create a sail. The only thing that made me stop in my tracks was a colorful frog with red eyes perched on a leaf. But since I didn’t have any equipment on me, it was impossible to study it, and when it jumped away, I lost the chance anyway.
So I direct my attention to the leaves I gathered and continue my effort. I put them all on a stack and focus on my boat first. It’s a large piece of wood that I carved out over time.
It took me a few days, but it’s shaping up to be something I can use to get off this island. I toil away as hard as I can, trying to focus all my anger and rage into this wood. I’m not good at this, but I don’t care. I want to have something to do to waste time. To give meaning to it because I’m stuck here with Lock, whether I like it or not.
Not that he’s been much of a hassle. I haven’t seen him in days. Not since that conversation.
The mere memory of it still makes me shiver.
I can’t believe he killed a girl.
Why would he do that?
How could he?
I can understand he was lonely, but he had no right to take her. No right.
And then to kill her just like that?
Granted, he did say it was an accident. But is it really, when it’s his fault she was there in the first place?
