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Her jaw slackened as she continued staring at me like I’d sprouted another head.
“Say something,” I finally spit out, desperate to hear her response.
“I ... I just ... I’m not sure what to say to that. I’m sorry. I’m just completely stunned right now. Those are literally the last words I expected to hear from you.”
“Is it so hard to imagine I would feel something for you? Really?”
She blew out a breath. “Well, yeah, I guess! I mean, you’rethatguy! The one-night stand guy! One-night stand is your middle name! You’re literally supposed to be the one safe person I could let myself go with without worrying about commitment!”
Her words slapped me in the face. “So, what? Is that all I’ve been? I’m just a sex toy to you? Really?”
She shook her head, palming her face. “No. I didn’t mean it like that. I meant that I felt like even if I started to feel things for you, I knew that you’d be the one to put on the brakes.Youwere the one who would put a stop to things if I started feeling things for you. I was safe because you were the guy who didn’t commit ... who didn’t do relationships.Youwere the failsafe to us catching feelings!”
I glanced up at her, a whisper of hope trickling through me. “And are you? Feeling things for me?”
Her eyes welled with tears. “Yes! Of course, I am! It would be impossible not to be falling for you too. You’re amazing. There isn’t anyone on this planet I could imagine wanting to be with more than I want to be with you. But—”
“But ...” I blew out a breath, bracing for the words that might break me.
“ButI can’t let myself feel all those things for you right now, Ethan. I’ve been fighting my own feelings every step of the way. Shutting them down so I could focus on doing the one thing that is now most important to me ... the one thingyou’veinspired me to do. To take some time and be alone with myself and see what I want in this world without having to factor anyone else in. Even someone I care about as much as you. As much as I want to throw my arms around you right now and kiss you so hard it hurts and tell you I want this too, I know it would be a mistake. It’s so important to me to do this for myself. If I don’t, if I give into my feelings for you, into this incredible passion we have, and let you in, I’ll never know what I would have chosen for myself. I’ll never know if I would have still chosen you.”
Her words tossed a bucket of water on the little embers of hope still burning. I looked out over the water, fighting to control the emotions ripping apart my insides.
“I’m so sorry, Ethan. I want you to know that the only reason I have the strength to do this, to say no, is because of you. Because of the way you’ve lived your life and taught me to live mine. Because of you, I made rule number one to go on a man ban and find out who I really am. I have a new rule to be single, just like you.”
I shook my head. “No, Ivy. You’renotliving your life like me. The way I live my life is without stupid rules. I never had aruleto be single. I justwassingle because it didn’t fit in with how I live my life, seeking out happiness and then following it come hell or high water. The not having a relationship was just the product of me having never found the right woman to bring happiness to me the way you have. The wayIlivemylife is fuck the rules. If you’re telling me right now that without your ‘rule,’ you’d be interested in pursuing things with me, then you haven’t been listening at all. Because what you’re telling me is you’re denying yourself happiness right here and now for some rule you just made up. That’s not how I live, Ivy. I would never walk away from something this powerful because of some stupid ass rule. Never.”
“But ... but you were the one who told me to go after what I want no matter what. And what I want right now is to find out who I am without anyone in my way. I want that, Ethan. Ineedthat. I need to get some space on my own and learn who I am. I can’t do that if I’m with you.”
“Why not?” I spun and looked at her. “I’m never going to stand in the way of your happiness. You should know that.”
“Because I’mconsumedby you! That’s why!” Tears burst from her eyes and started streaming down her cheeks. “I’m totally and completely consumed by you, and I know that without a doubt, if I give in to my feelings for you, I will get lost in the haze of my passion for you, and then I’ll never find my own way. I’ll never see if I’m strong enough to stand on my own. If I do what I want to right now, in this moment, I’m going to kiss you and never stop.”
“Then kiss me, Ivy. And never stop.” I reached out and held her face. “Just follow your heart and stop listening to your head ... to your rules.”
More tears chased the trail the first ones had left. “I want to, Ethan. I do. So much. But I don’t want to look back and realize that I took the easy path again. And it feels so easy to be with you ... to say yes and run off into the sunset together. That feels too easy. I need to do this next part alone. And I’m so sorry if that hurts you, God knows it hurts me, but I can only hope you’ll understand.”
I saw the pain flickering behind her eyes and recognized the same torment that I’d felt inside when I’d tried to deny my feelings for her. It tore me up to see her hurting.
“I understand, Ivy. I do,” I breathed out as I tried to ease some of her pain.
“You do?”
“No, not really.” I started to laugh. “But yeah. I get it. I would be a hypocrite if I didn’t get out of your way to let you forge the path you want. God knows I forged my own.”
“But I don’t want this to end either.” Her voice broke.
I wrapped my arm around her. “I’ll tell you what. You go do you for a while. And when you’re done figuring out what you want in life, whenever that is, if there’s still room for me, then you’ll know where to find me.”
“Really? You won’t hate me?”
I chuckled. “I could never hate you, Ivy. Not ever. I ... I love you.”
It was the first time I’d ever uttered those words to a woman, and saying them out loud made my heart pound harder than jumping off a cliff. Sheer terror and adrenaline flooded through me as I made my admission, yet nothing had ever felt more natural coming out of my mouth. I loved her. Totally, completely, and irrevocably, I loved this woman.
Her lip quivered as she reached out and touched my face. “I love you too.”
For a moment, my soul soared, her admission like the most beautiful song, but as quickly as my heart leaped up, it crashed back down, realizing that despite our love for each other, nothing had changed. I would still have to say goodbye tomorrow, and the searing pain coursing through my soul nearly ended me.
“I’ll wait for you,” I whispered, then pressed a kiss against her lips. “I’ll always be waiting for you. Always.”
“And I swear to you I’ll find you again. When I’ve got myself sorted out, and I’m ready to be the woman I want to be, I promise I’m going to find you.”
“I’ll be counting the days.” I kissed her. “The hours.” I kissed her again. “The minutes.” Another kiss, and for this one, I squeezed my eyes shut and pulled her close. “The seconds, Ivy. I’ll be counting the seconds until you find your way back to me.”
She flung her arms around my neck and sobbed into my shoulder. I held her tight as we sat in the back of my truck together, both deciding to put an end to our romance and the torture one last night together would bring. Instead, we went back to the hotel and curled up into bed, and even though I knew I shouldn’t, I held her tight as she snuggled up in my arms for the last time.
