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Those damned tears started up again as I spilled the beans to Iris. She listened quietly to the quick version of the story of how I’d gone and fallen for Ethan, and apparently, through some completely messed up twist of fate, he’d fallen for me.
“But he doesn’t do relationships. I’m so confused.” She carried me through the kitchen with her freshly poured cup of coffee in hand.
“Exactly. That’s exactly the point! Hedoesn’tdo relationships and love, and yet he fell for me anyway. Doesn’t that mean something? Doesn’t that mean I should probably scrap this whole stupid man ban plan and go for it with him? I mean, why the hell would I walk away from this guy? My God, just hearing myself say it all out loud makes it sound even crazier than it did before. I’m such an idiot!”
“No. You are not an idiot.” She sat down on the couch and leaned into the phone. “You are right to press pause on this whole thing and spend some time alone.”
“I am?” I tipped my head, surprised to hear Iris agreeing with me. I honestly figured she’d tell me to go big or go home, take the risk, go for the guy, be wild and free with him. Part of me called her, wanting her to agree with me so I would have the backup to just that ... the thing I now desperately wanted to do.
“Yeah. You are. I know I’m always telling you to break the rules and go do some crazy stuff, but in this case, breaking the rulesisgoing at it alone. Itiswalking away from the guy to challenge yourself and see what you want out of life. All this time, you’ve been striving for the dream job with the perfect husband and the kids and the picket fence. All that yucky shit. But is that even what you really want? Or is that just what youthinkyou want because you’ve always followed the rules, and the old rules were get married, have kids, picket fence? So, without the rules, what do you want from life?”
“I ... don’t know,” I admitted. “I really don’t know. You’re completely right, though. I’ve never entertained any other idea of what my life could look like. I just went by the book. And now, well, the book is burning in some trash can somewhere, and I am completely confused.” I let out a breath. “Well, I’m completely confused about everything except that I know I love him. I do, Iris. I love him.”
“You may be falling in love with him, but you also need to fall in love with yourself first. And you’re just now meeting the real you ... the you beneath the rules and the plans for the minivan and the 2.5 kids. You need to spend some time with her first before you make a decision about him. Not to mention, you two are in some kind of a magical sex haze right now, and though I’m sure it feels fantastic, it’s gonna fade eventually, and then you’ll be right back where you started all over again ... with you having made your decisions based on a guy. You made the right call, sis. You really did.”
I slumped back in my chair. “It’s more than a sex haze, though. I really do love him. I know that sounds crazy to say since we haven’t known each other long, but we’ve already been through so much together and spent so much time together that I can say with certainty my feelings are real.”
“So maybe they are.” She shrugged. “And if that’s the case, then when you’re done figuring your shit out, like he said, you can go find him.”
“And what if he’s already moved on? What if by the time I get my shit together, he’s met someone else?”
“Then it wasn’t meant to be. And by then, you’ll be a strong, single woman, so you’ll bounce right back anyway. I know this sucks, and this is a really freaking hard decision, but if you want my vote, it’s to stick to your guns here.”
I didn’t respond, just staring over the balcony out over the soft waves lapping at the shore.
“You okay, Ivy?” Iris asked.
“No. Not even close,” I answered honestly.
She frowned. “I’m sorry, hon. I know there is no good answer here, but you’re a smart girl, and I know you’ll make the right decision. No matter what, I’m so proud of you for pushing yourself so far out of your comfort zone. You’re gonna find out so fast that life is really amazing when you’re coloring outside the lines.”
Memories of all the crazy things I’d already done in just over a week flooded my mind. I smiled. “Yeah. It’s pretty awesome outside of my comfort zone. Like Ethan said on our drive from New York, ‘All the best things in life happen outside your comfort zone.’ And he couldn’t have been more right.”
“And now, getting out of your comfort zone is to go at it alone for a while. At least that’s my opinion, but you need to trust your gut and follow your instincts. They won’t steer you wrong. You got this, girl.”
“Is that Iris?” Ethan asked as he walked up behind me. I hadn’t even heard the shower turn off, and his voice made me jump.
“Yeah, it’s Iris,” I said.
I turned around and saw him standing behind me with a white towel wrapped around his waist, and suddenly all rational thought fluttered out of my mind.
He put a hand on my shoulder and leaned down to wave. “Hey, Iris! Good to see you again. And as you’ll see, I still haven’t murdered your sister. Boom.” He held his hand out in a fist bump toward her, but she just stared at him in stunned silence.
Finally, she spat out. “Damn, Hottie McHotterson! Even your abs have abs! Is that eight? Am I counting eight?”
Ethan started laughing and shrugged before waving over his shoulder and strolling back into the bathroom. “Bye, Iris! Hopefully, we’ll talk again soon! Ivy, I’ll be done in five, then it’s all yours.”
The bathroom door closed, and she whispered and leaned into the phone. “I change my vote! I change my vote! Go get some of that again!”
As she bit her fist, I started to laugh. “Now you see my dilemma?”
“Dilemma seen.” She shook her head like she was shaking out the image. “Oof. Dilemma seen,but ...I still think you’re doing the right thing striking out solo. My vote is changed back.”
I arched an eyebrow at her. “Final answer?”
With a quick nod, she said, “Final answer. Of course, it’s your life and your decision, but if you’re asking my opinion, that’s what it is.”
Her confirmation of my feelings caused that agony over my choice to rip apart my insides again. But I trusted her, and more than that, I now trusted myself.
